Thinking, thinking, one, two, three… ask!
“Curiosity lifts the corners of life.”
Julie from Random Meanderings
When you jump to conclusions you miss a lot. You lose opportunities to connect with people, and they with you. You lose a chance to connect with yourself.
Last year, during a life coach training workshop I was doing a practice exercise with one of my colleagues. We were talking about goals and dreams — you know, the usual stuff. We were standing in a corner of the room. A dozen or so other pairs were practicing the same exercise at the same time.
I was feeling self-conscious about asking the “right” questions — judging my performance and doubting my coaching abilities. I was focusing on myself instead of her.
This is described as Level One Thinking. In Level Two Thinking a coach is aware of the client and what they are saying.
In Level Three Thinking intuition encourages a stronger focus. The coach is not only aware of what the other person is saying. They are aware of the tone of their voice and the expression on their face. They notice posture and gestures. They tune into the whole experience. Observing these clues gives their subconscious mind the ability to connect at a deeper level. Questions flow naturally.
Through this connection the listening is magnified and the perspective is opened. The mind surrenders and both people can support the process in a stronger, more authentic way. Judgment gives way to curiosity. And curiosity opens the door to value.
My friend had used the metaphor of a bird’s nest to describe a feeling she had about a goal and how she was going to manifest it.
When she mentioned the bird’s nest I assumed that it was made of twigs. Simple, until I had a curious moment. I dared to be different and asked a silly question.
“What does this nest look like?”
She hadn’t even considered that. Even she had assumed it looked like a bird’s nest. We were both limiting ourselves with that assumption.
Asking that question opened her mind and took her deeper into the experience to explore her goal further. This helped her uncover more possibilities for herself.
As it turns out, the nest was made of soft, colourful blankets. I could feel her focus on the goal strengthen. Her enthusiasm increased as she described what the nest looked like. It was being revealed to both of us at the same time. We were both beyond Level Three Thinking. We were just being.
Your curiosity impacts others
During the busyness of our conversations, we do not often hear what each other is saying. We nod our heads. Share an understanding “yes” or “no”. But in turn, we are thinking about what our response will be. Or what their response will be. And most likely they are doing the same thing. It’s a dance.
This dance keeps us on the surface. It’s chocked full of assumptions. Imagine if we were to awaken our curiosity, how much deeper our connections could go. What more we could learn. How much we could add to each others lives.
We would feel seen and heard and encourage this in others. Society could benefit with simple curiosity. It would add more value to our lives.
A person never knows what they’re missing until they go there. And they can’t go there if they assume they are already there.
What about you? Can you recognize how curiosity could add more value to your life? On what level of thinking do you spend most of your time?
The quote used at the beginning of this article is one of Julie’s submissions to The Quote Effect. There is still time if you want to contribute. The deadline for submissions is January 31. Read more about The Quote Effect here and Contact me for a Submission Form.
This article is a contribution to Jeremy Day’s Group Writing Project on Creating Value. Do you want to participate? Get all the details over at Insight Writer where the tagline is “Freshly squeezed insight for better living”.
Photo from Reclusive Monkey on Flickr.com
Note: Due to a large number of spam comments I have turned comments off. I appreciate you stopping by and reading. You are welcome to contact me if you have any comments.
Lori Hoeck
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Hi Davina – What a provocative post! If we aren’t curious, then wouldn’t it stand that we aren’t interested/interesting? To me, an uninterested person isn’t interesting, and I think we tend to value by the level of interest. So, you’ve hit it squarely. I know I’m frequently guilt of lower level thinking. I’ve committed to being more in the moment and that means fully engaged with minimal distractions in the present. I think distractions dilute our curiosity, too. Thanks.
Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post..ENDANGERED SPECIES: THE EFFECTIVE COMMITTEE
Hi Davina: It’s interesting how there are three levels. I guess at level one you’d find the people who are already thinking of what they’re going to say next before the person they’re talking to has even finished with what they’re saying. At level 2 it seems that the person is a good listener who is very focused on trying to understand what the other is saying and reading their body language. And at level 3 is the person who allows their intuition to read between the lines and hear hidden messages in what the other is saying.
Hi Davina – I never thought of thinking having three levels, but how you worded this post makes me realize it certainly does. When I think back to conversations I’ve had with others, if I take time to pay attention to their body language, actions, facial expressions, etc, you’re right, I can connect on a deeper level.
Fabulous post! And…a superb submission to Jeremy’s writing project.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Not So New Blogs – From Spain to Singapore
Davina, I love your application of “curiosity!” Yes, we all probably think we’re terrific listeners when really we’re hopping from one level of listening to another, depending upon our interest in the other person, in the topic, our schedules…so many factors. But to really be engaged does involve our curiosity, our true interest. The bird’s nest exchange is a wonderful illustration of how our world widens when we allow it. You and your colleague both benefitted beautifully. Thank you, Davina, for sharing my quote and in such a terrific way! ~ Julie
Julie’s last blog post..This is the Day!
Coaches really have a lot more going on in their sessions than I’d assumed. Oh oh, there’s that word again – assume.
Do life coaches take training in that field?
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..And the ukulele song winner is…
Children are naturally curious. Adults tend to lose their curiosity. I’m not sure why. But looking at my kids, I often think how wonderful their curiosity is. It fills their lives with adventures. I guess we need to learn from kids.
Hi Betsy.
You are so right on with this comment. I’d not considered that. An uninterested person is not interesting. Because they’re not engaged in the conversation there is no connection, so you have nothing to hold your interest either. I guess the only thing a person could do in that case is ask them what they are thinking about, and see if they snap out of it.
Hi Mare.
You got it. As I was writing this I recognized that the labels that have been chosen to define these types of thinking need to be revised. At level one a person is definitely in a thinking frame of mind. Level two is a combination of mind and heart, and level three is more heart than anything else. But this gets the point across anyway.
Hi Barbara.
Thank you. Body language sends us signals that we might not even be aware of. I was running errands today and made a conscious effort to tune in to people this way. It really does open your eyes and helps to move away negative feelings, thoughts and judgments.
Hi Julie.
Thank you. I started writing this a few days ago and when I was looking through the quote submissions for one to include, yours was the perfect choice. Thank YOU.
That practice coaching session was one of the best that I shared over the period of the weekend. And there were lots of them.
Hi Jannie.
You got it! There is a lot that goes on in a coaching session that people aren’t aware of. It’s more than just setting goals — it’s an adventure. And the adventure creates a foundation on which to build the goals and bring them to life.
Yes, we take training. There is an initial period of five 3-day intensive weekends that accumulates almost 120 hours of practice. Then there is the opportunity to study in another program in smaller groups with other coaches to become certified. A lot of businesses are starting to hire coaches, and they tend to hire them with these credentials.
It is my goal to become certified when I can attract the necessary monies.
Hi Vered.
Children are pros at being curious. Remember when you were young and asked question after question of your parents? I remember my mom used to get pretty tired after a while, LOL. I think that is where they get their energy from too.
Hi Davina,
After reading this post what came to me was this:
“One cannot possibly learn that which he thinks he already knows”
So curiosity definitely plays a big role in our discovery of self and others.
Back soon,
Henie
Henie’s last blog post..The Shot of It
Being an introvert, I have a hard time feeling relaxed when talking to a stranger. I can remember when I first started college, being on a date and racking my brain for something to say. I asked him what he did, and he said he worked in his father’s venetian blind business. I could not for the life of me think of a single question to ask about venetian blinds. The date ended by mutual consent soon after that.
I’m a very curious person, but as you say, it only comes out when I’m able to relax.
Dot’s last blog post..Question for Subscribers
I welcome the idea of being curious. When we get stuck in our preconceived notions, thoughts and beliefs, we lose the desire to ask, to explore. One thing, though. I can get quite stumped when my kids ask me “why” questions that never seem to end.
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..HAVE-DO-BE or BE-DO-HAVE?
Hi Henie.
“One cannot possibly learn that which he thinks he already knows.” Profound… and agreed.
Hi Dot.
Yes, there’s not going to be a rapport with everyone. And I don’t know about you, but being on a date (was it your first?), is not always a relaxing experience :-) Venetian blinds… yah, not a hot topic for discussion in my books either.
Hi Evelyn.
I know what you mean. I didn’t have kids, but I remember doing the same to my mother. “But why mommy…” and so on… Are they happy with your answers? They must be I guess, otherwise they’d lose interest and stop asking, LOL.
I always pay attention to body language and other subtle indicators when I’m listening to other people, but I find that it’s a rare practice indeed. There is more to listening than nodding along and offering generic responses such as “Um-hm” and “Oh yes.” This post is a good reminder that we all need to be more in the moment and pay better attention to others.
Melissa Donovan’s last blog post..When Writers Blog
While I’ve never been to see a life coach, I remember how important it was to me that my psychologist seemed to listen to more than my words. I don’t know if she was paying attention to my body language or intuiting even deeper. I was so unsure of myself at that point that knowing someone cared enough to listen (even if she was paid to) and engage my problems made a huge difference. It also made me want to do my therapy homework. :)
In normal life, it sometimes scares me if people try to probe more deeply than our current level of friendship entails. But if I’m interested in a person, I normally start asking those sorts of questions. The hard part is keeping it up once you think you know everything about them, I guess.
Ruth’s last blog post..Could I Get More Obsessed With My Own Life?
Hi Melissa.
It is a rare practice it seems. I wonder if it’s because we’re on information overload and we get scattered more easily? One of the worst habits is to finish other people’s sentences.
Hi Ruth.
I agree. It makes a huge difference when we know someone is really listening to us. You’ve made a good point — we become more attentive to ourselves. Makes us want to do our homework, LOL. It can get awkward when questions get too personal if you’re worried about being judged by someone. The difference is whether they are being nosy “probing” or asking as a friend.
This is a great reminder to stay curious in all things. Curiosity enhances our connections and spurs our imagination. One of the biggest things we adults lack is imagination. We are very limited by our beliefs and our assumptions. Did you know that the final factor that was said to lead to the 9.11 tragedy was the lack of our government to use it’s imagination. Something to really make you think …
Mark’s last blog post..Exiting the Rat Race
Yes, I think the intention of the curiosity makes a big difference in how we react. If I think someone wants this information for gossip, I don’t feel the interest in me that makes me want to open up about it. And of course there are some areas where even friendly curiosity is less welcome.
Ruth’s last blog post..Could I Get More Obsessed With My Own Life?
Davina, I LOVE this! If we can only forget about ourselves and just be curious about those we are in the presence of….. I realized just a while back how much we miss out on when we think we already know everything about someone. Just think about how much our lives can be enhanced if we just be curious and genuinely care about someone enough to ask some questions!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Should I or Should I not?
Hi Davina,
Echoing what Jennifer has said — I LOVE this also Davina! Being genuinely curious, how powerful that can be. And when this falls into place – when being genuinely curious leads to another person sharing some more information – a real and true dialogue can develop that has real meaning. And connections can be developed that really do deep. And that’s a wonderful thought!
Lance’s last blog post..Are These My Skinny Jeans?
Hi Mark & welcome!
You’re right, curiosity really does spur our imagination. There are no limits when you are curious. Thanks! BTW, I loved the quote you used on your last post, “The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lilly Tomlin
I had not heard this regarding 911, so I Googled it and found an article. Thanks for mentioning this.
Here is a quote from Thomas Kean, the chairman of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks… “We were unprepared. We did not grasp the magnitude of a threat that had been gathering over a considerable period of time. As we detail in our report, this was a failure of policy, management, capability, and, above all, a failure of imagination.”
Hi Ruth.
Gossip is a bad habit. Funny how some people get excited about it. I guess it makes them feel important because they have “information” to share. I hear you about “friendly curiosity”. When you know a person very well it is hard to be objective about personal things and friendships can be spoiled over this.
Hi Jennifer.
I like how you’ve put this. Getting our of our way, so to speak is a lot easier when we are curious about something. This seems to silence that ego and lets us connect without fear.
Hi Lance.
Wow, this is an excellent way to put it! Thank you. After I read your comment it occurred to me that this gives people “permission” to take off their mask and just be themselves.
Davina,
The post hooked me on the topic – i like your writing style.
Here is my take – i think my curiosity adds value to my kids. They observe curious father and they get curious too. I think it gets them think more creatively and throw “crazy” ideas. The trick is not calling these ideas crazy but call it great imagination or similar. I am amazed what my two little girls make up sometimes … it is not only me but my curiosity serves as their catalyst i guess…
Alik Levin | PracticeThis.com’s last blog post..Kaizen Parents – GTD Kids
I totally get where Dot is coming from with her venetian blind blank. I have those moments where I know that all I need to do to continue the conversation is ask a question. And I can’t for the life of me think of anything! Of course, there is some of that self-censoring you mentioned going on.
I love your easy, simple explanation of level three communication. I seriously need to work on that, because I’m quite oblivious to subtle clues. Doh!
Ah … curiosity, is there anything better? I guess that’s one reason why I coach. Deep reflective listening helps us to observe and learn so much more than meets the eye. I love the intensity of truly tuning in.
“A person never knows what they’re missing until they go there. And they can’t go there if they assume they are already there.” This is brilliant. Every educator ought put it above their classroom doors.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work’s last blog post..Speak Up – Silence Makes You Poor
Thinking about you today and hoping it will be a joyous day for you!
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Sunday May 10th 7:30 p.m.
Hi Alik.
Welcome! Thanks for your comment. Children are amazingly curious and creative aren’t they? Fearless too. Crazy ideas are the best for breaking out of the box, so to speak. That’s cute how they are observing their curious father, LOL.
Hi Sara.
I know what you mean about not knowing what to ask next. It can be really frustrating. Sometimes the silence is better than asking a question, just for the sake of asking a question. You could try observing people’s gestures when you’re out and about and not engaged in the actual conversation. That way you won’t be distracted by thinking about your next statement and be able to just observe — try to pick up the feelings behind their gestures and expressions.
Hi Tom.
When a person is being curious, how can they be wrong? :-) It’s a perfect playground to learn from. I love it too! Thank you.
Hi Jannie.
Awh, that’s sweet of you — thank you. I hope you’ve been having a “Funster” day ;-) This day started out with printer problems, but thankfully I managed to get them fixed and avoided having to buy a new one – phew! I was relieved.
Davina, you are always discovering new things about yourself. This assists you to empower others. The whole idea of learning to value curiosity and unsual feelings may all be related to stepping out of your comfort zone. You are stretching yourself regularly, even when you engage in a kind of activity you enjoy. You are connecting with people in ways that show them you are not afraid to learn. This inspires others.
Liara Covert’s last blog post..5 Ways to evaluate your current state
Hi Liara.
I like how you’ve put this. How valuing curiosity is related to stepping out of your comfort zone. In some way, curiosity makes the stretch less “risky”. Even that alone is inspiring. Thanks!
Davina, a friendly reminder is that every question is the right question for you at the moment you choose to ask it. You can evolve to where your mind no longer visualizes certain choices as risks. This is the point where you realize every experience has intrinsic, immeasurable value.
Hi Liara. You share so much wisdom both on your blog and in the comments you leave. You are a blessing. I’m still thinking about one of yours I saw recently, I think it was on The Jungle of Life, about there being no opposition… Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Thanks for your contribution to the 177th Carnival of Healing. I’ve included you in my blogroll too.
The questions we ask are & how we ask are integral to the answers we receive.
Pamir | Reiki Help Blog’s last blog post..Modern Reiki
Hi Pamir.
I was glad to participate — it was a good way to bring like-minded individuals together. I’ve read some of the other posts submitted to your blog carnival and was glad I did. I’m happy to hear that you’ve added me to your blogroll, thank you.
That’s a good point you’ve made about asking questions. There are so many ways to ask just one question, and I can imagine how that would influence the answer.
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