A simple dialogue with the Self
Once upon a time, not long ago, I woke up in a miserable mood. I was OFF. The reflection in the mirror glared back at me while I brushed my teeth. Brushing teeth — how boring. Another bad hair day too. And is that a new pimple? Arghhh!
Not having a shower today. Someone’s bound to flush the toilet as soon as I soap up. Another stony glance in the mirror to confirm that new pimple. It’s a beauty!
What a rotten mood I was in — I hated myself for it. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past it. On some level, I didn’t want to. And, I kept looking for reasons to make myself feel worse. I knew I wasn’t going to get anything accomplished if this kept up. Ever have that happen?
While running errands I avoided eye contact with strangers and hoped I wouldn’t see anyone I knew. Have you ever been in this kind of mood and had someone look at you and say “smile”? How did that make you feel?
While running those errands, I struck up a defiant conversation in my mind with an imaginary stranger. “Smile,” said the stranger as I stole past him with my head down.
My silent conversation continued. “Why should I smile? I don’t feel like it!”
“Why not smile?”
“Because,” I answered to myself, “I just don’t FEEL like it.” The defiance was raging hot.
“But what would happen IF you smiled?” I asked.
And so, my Self imagined what WOULD happen if I smiled.
My mood shifted immediately as I imagined a smile. I wasn’t smiling, but I certainly remembered what it felt like.
I lifted my head. My step quickened and then… I smiled! I was back.
There is a positive use for your inner critic
Purely by accident, I had flicked the ON switch.
If you are reading this because you are hoping to find the secret to a positive and effective attitude you might find it. Or, you might not.
It can be as easy or as difficult as you make it. If you choose to sit with a rotten attitude, you are choosing the company of your inner critic. The two of you can brainstorm about how many reasons you can come up with to feel this way.
However, a rotten attitude can be used as an opportunity to flick the ON switch. Use your inner critic as a sounding board and move past thinking errors.
It’s powerful to focus on how you want to be, instead of how you don’t want to be. What story are you choosing to listen to? What movie are you playing in your mind? What do you believe? What do you want to believe?
It starts with a feeling and by asking simple, but powerful questions.
Put these questions on your shopping list:
“How else could this go?”
“How else could I feel?”
“How would it feel if this were going the way I wanted?”
“What kind of person do I see myself becoming to attract this in my life?”
“What things do I already know about myself that can help me?”
“What do I remember has worked for me before?”
“Who can I ask for help?”
I’m not saying that you will always get what you want, or get it faster.
What I am saying is instead of shopping for more reasons to feel unsatisfied or to validate what isn’t working, you will be shopping for more opportunities and more of what you do want. You won’t be looking at your feet — your head will be up.
To me this is what putting your best foot forward means: stepping forward and focusing on your strengths and what you appreciate. By letting go of the rest, it will simply be left behind you.
On every trail of success you leave behind more than just footprints — you leave your inner critic. He can only follow in your footsteps and because his head is down, he can never lead the way.
Take a look in the mirror now. In what direction are you headed?
And on that note, speaking of choosing a path… I’d like to feature one more submission to The Quote Effect. If you want to submit a quote to this ebook, time is running out. Saturday, January 31 is the last day for submissions.
This quote is from Sara Healy.
“There will always be people traveling ahead of me and always people traveling behind me. My lesson is to learn to follow my own path.”
Photo: My Shadow, traced — Mesaj
Linda
Barbara Swafford
Deb Dorchak
Tony Single
Chris Edgar
Sara
Jeffrey Willius
Doug Gene
{ 44 comments }
“It’s powerful to focus on how you want to be, instead of how you don’t want to be.” Such a powerful post! Thank you!
Hi Davina – It’s true, we can change the way the day is going with an attitude adjustment. And, generally the things that consume most of our worries are those we can’t control anyway. Still, I need regular reminders that giving feels and is better in the long run, rather than fixating on what I’m going to get. Outward, not inward! :)
Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post..BUILDING COMMUNITY – CAFE STYLE
I have found such mental switches so useful. Yesterday I was running into all kinds of transportation issues and could have become angry each time. But fortunately I had the presence of mind (some days I have a hard time stopping long enough to “shop”) to ask myself questions about whether it mattered that I was running late. And the answer was basically no…that I wouldn’t be fired and could make up the time. My bosses were sympathetic and one was even later than I was. Made it a much pleasanter commute even though it was twice as long as normal.
Ruth’s last blog post..What Are You Valuing More Than Your Goal?
Choice is always ours and it is synaptic! I like how you suggest to “go shopping!” This really opens you up to many options!
Well said, my friend, well said!
My mantra is this: SFAA! SFAA! SFAA! Smile For All Always…and here’s a big one for you! :)
Always,
Henie
Henie’s last blog post..Thursday Thoughts
Davina, thanks for the link love. This is a very powerful post. It is amazing how we can change everything by just a flip of the switch. Flipped one way, the switch brings blessings into our life, by our choosing. Flipped the other way, it rains down all the negatives, by our choosing. I too have noticed that if I just make myself smile, that everything changes – even if I don’t feel like smiling. It’s pretty amazing.
I love your point about focusing on who you want to be instead of who you don’t want to be. I have found this a very powerful thing recently in my application of Think and Grow Rich. I love the questions you posted. That really gives me some things to think about. Thank you Davina. I’m going to apply these.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Thinking Error List
It’s funny how that look in the mirror can really wake us up. Sometimes, when we’re in the kind of mood you describe and we don’t find a way to shift it, by the end of the day we’re even more miserable AND we alternate between secretly kind of relishing wallowing in our messy emotions and feeling quite “oh poor me” because no one came to lift us up. …when all the time it’s only ourSELVES who can lift us up. We’re very funny creatures. ;)
Julie’s last blog post..Tag, This is Who I Am
We humans are “quirky critters” indeed!!! Isn’t it funny how our direction in life is DIRECTLY tied to our attitude. “Stinkin’ thinkin” just seems to naturally attract “stinkin’ circumstances.” FORTUNATELY, the opposite is true as well.
Recognizing those “toxic” thoughts is truly 90% of the battle. I’m sure acknowledging your mood was MUCH tougher than forcing the smile!!! (At least, I know that’s where my battle is waged!)
Kathy @ Virtual Impax’s last blog post..First Impressions and the Placebo Effect
Hi Davina: We can choose how we feel. I ask myself the three Sedona Method questions when I’m in a funk: can I let go of this? will I? when? However, I really like the questions you have here.
Marelisa’s last blog post..Awesome Creativity Blogs
I like the idea of asking myself gently if I am willing to consider changing my attitude or mood. I started my morning yesterday with a little exercise and it helped to uplift my day!!
Just a note. I enjoy your posts. I sense flow, more of a letting go, in just BEing. Am I right that you are experiencing these, even when you write?
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..101 Negative Money Beliefs
I am slowly learning that a positive attitude is something I can choose to have. I spent years thinking it was against my nature – I was a cynic, it was part of my identity. It’s a big part of why I chose my husband – he has a positive attitude. I find it very attractive.
Vered – MomGrind’s last blog post..Women And Body Image: Ten Disturbing Facts
Hi Mark.
Welcome! So glad you enjoyed this.
Hi Betsy.
It’s funny how we worry about what we can’t control, when the worrying itself is within our ability to control. A vicious cycle. “Outward, not inward”. Very well said.
Hi Ruth.
Practice makes perfect! And you’re practicing :-) Tony Robbins says in his book Awaken The Giant Within, that changing those “reactive pathways” takes regular practice. It’s like breaking a new trail and the more you work it the more natural it becomes. You broke some good ground on that trip to the office.
Hi Henie.
The best part of this shopping trip is that you don’t need any cash. Thanks for the :-) Back at ya.
Hi Jennifer.
You are welcome. You did an excellent job of organizing all that material for the Thinking Error series. I’m sure a lot of people will benefit from this.
Hi Julie.
It is a gift when someone does come along who wants to, and who can help us shift. Sometimes we don’t have to go it alone. As miserable as we feel, we just want to be seen. Then it all goes away.
Hi Kathy.
Quirky for sure! Boy did you nail that — acknowledging our mood is 90% of the battle. Not too many people are proud to announce a rotten mood or admit it to themselves for that matter. Thanks… excellent point.
Hi Mare.
These are good questions too. “Will I let go of this?” That is a biggie. The answer can lead you in so many directions. Neither yes or no is a dead-end answer.
I’ve found that just saying forceful positive affirmations don’t work that well. On the other hand, saying “I allow myself to smile” or “I allow myself to be happy” works very well. Something about giving yourself permission really makes a difference.
I loved your “smile” story, and yes I’ve had those kind of days too!
Hi Evelyn.
You are a great source of encouragement and your blog has been an excellent resource. Thanks for your comment :-) It does flow and let go when I’m writing. Does that happen to you too? You have an idea and once you start it seems to write itself…
Hi Vered.
So, your husband brings out your better side. It would be a good experiment to see what would be harder to do: make ourselves feel miserable, or make ourselves feel great.
Hi Natalie.
You are so right — trying to force something just makes it worse. Giving permission unlocks a door. As I started reading your comment the word permission popped into my thoughts and then, there it was… in black and white ;-) Thank you.
When I’m in a bad mood I usually eat something unhealthy to help me feel worse. How lovely…and yes, I can relate. But eventually something clicks and I am able to re-frame my perspective. I’m able to recognize the blessings in my life and shift gears.
Stacey / Create a Balance’s last blog post..Ten Ways To Create a Balance While Commenting on Blogs
That’s good Davina because I don’t have cash and my credit is bad! :) You think someone would barter with me? Thanks for the laugh! :)
Henie’s last blog post..Thursday Thoughts
Gentle reminders make your mind, body and soul receptive to evolution. At the same time, bottling up anger is not healthy. A gradual effort to work through sources of discomfort is a useful way to dissolve it and rise above it. You can always think something like, “If the dalai lama was in this situation, how would he react?” That kind of reflection offers another perspective and enables you to step outside your emotions long enough to re-evaluate them, your own way.
Liara Covert’s last blog post..5 Tips to root yourself in the moment
davina, i feel the same way about smiling. sometimes you just don’t feel like it. i like to at least acknowledge that something is not right and walking around smiling like everything is okay doesn’t seem too real to me…but after a while i do try to get out of my funk by helping myself along, or try to smile as i work toward a solution.
it’s a choice though.
Natural’s last blog post..My Other First Time, Part II
Hi Stacey.
Good old comfort food — it’ll get ya every time. Ice cream, chips and chocolate, yummy. Eventually something DOES click. Appreciation can go a long way, that’s for sure.
Hi Henie.
You’re welcome, LOL. Barter, yah. We could try on each others attitudes for size. No?
Hi Liara.
That’s a good point. Being receptive to evolution — I can appreciate that. Bottling something up only keeps it stuck. And being able to step outside of your perspective helps a person to let go of the hold it has on them.
Hi Natural.
I’ve known some people who seem to always wear a smile on their face. It makes me wonder how real they are being and how much is denial.
Hi Davina – I love your words, “On every trail of success you leave behind more than just footprints — you leave your inner critic. He can only follow in your footsteps and because his head is down, he can never lead the way.” How true.
If I wake up in a foul mood, I’ve found if I take time to count my blessings and write them in my gratitude journal, the the day begins to look a lot brighter. But on those bad hair, new pimple days, I’m like you – I hope I hope I don’t see anyone I know if I have to go out.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..How Your Comment Response Policy Can Change The Dynamics Of Your Community
Hi Barbara.
Thanks for the Tweet on this post :-) You’ve made me realize something… Sometimes it doesn’t work for me to count my blessings in my mind. But, I bet if I took the time to actually write them down it would make a difference. That’s a good idea. Thank you.
Hi Davina,
I like the idea of shopping for an attitude. After all, we choose what to wear on our bodies everyday, and on our face, so why not in our minds and in our hearts?
Very interesting post. And I’ve just emailed you to ask to be included in the Quote Effect. That’s a brilliant idea!
Daphne’s last blog post..The Gift of Community
That is interesting story.
I do something similar – i apply radio dial metaphor. When I feel i am on the “wrong” way that does not “sound” good to me I rescan my dial and tune into a better “music”, the one that inspires me.
Alik Levin | PracticeThis.com’s last blog post..Program Yourself For Extremely Fast Performance
Have a wonderful weekend!
Hi Daphne.
I love the comparison you’ve made here — choosing what we wear and choosing our attitude. Great! I didn’t receive your email, but I will send you off a Submission Form for The Quote Effect. The numbers keep going up. I think there will be close to 80 quotes in this book now :-)
Hi Alik.
Metaphors are great! Your radio dial metaphor is a super one. I will remember that. A person can never have too many tricks up their sleeve.
Hi Mark.
Thanks! You too. I just realized I spelled your name wrong earlier (blush). It’s fixed now. Cheers.
It really is all about choices. You made a great point, that little voice in our head can be used for good. A smile can do amazing things for our attitude. Very good post!
Mark’s last blog post..Listen To Your Wake Up Call
I agree with Natural. If I’m in a bad mood, there’s a reason and I need to deal with the reason, not my facial expression. I hate it when people tell me to smile. It’s usually men, and it’s totally selfish.
Here’s an example. I had just left the mental hospital where my sister had been placed in a locked ward because she had become violent. I was feeling a lot of feelings, none of them to smile about. This young guy walking down the street said, “C’mon, baby, give me a smile.” He’d be dead now if I was a violent person. What a jerk!
Dot’s last blog post..About Your Business
Hi Mark.
Thank you. A smile can make a huge difference when those voices are chattering away.
Hi Dot.
I complete agree with you. Sometimes a smile isn’t enough when there are issues that need to be dealt with. If anything, it can help a person to stop feeling down for feeling down in the first place. It gives you permission to be with what you are feeling and to not resist it. Some people are pretty insensitive when it comes to dealing with feelings. I’ve often felt worse when someone tells me to “smile”, so I can empathize with you on that one.
“It’s powerful to focus on how you want to be, instead of how you don’t want to be.”
So true. My inner child wants to say, “Are we there yet?”
It’s so true isn’t it, most times a bad or good mood is of our own making. It can be a big leap to get up and hit that switch from negative to postive but once we make up our minds to we are surprised at how easy it is.
For me, it is usually means choosing to respond in a more giving way with my husband and daughter in the challenging moments, rather than lost my patitence.
Wonderful, wonderful post Davina. Thank you!
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Taking Blog Stock
I am back reading your good words today and that feels great! Thank you I am smiling to be back in action and smiling because what you say is a good practice.
One of my counseling professors used to say -”Loose the weight and then figure out why you gained it.” She put action first saying that as you work on the action the reasoning/or stumbling blocks or fears will just let you know.
I then think for every 30 minutes of smiling you burn 10 calories – it is an action…when you are feeling better you can figure out what motivated you to feel unhappy or crabby.
Lack of sleep is still making me feel crabby first…I have to take action to change my outlook…first thing every morning now…maybe this will be a good habit forming outcome?
Thanks for your lovely words and concepts.
patricia’s last blog post..Mug vs. Heart
Each moment you realize some reaction inside yoruself makes you stuck, this is like a primer for your won revelation. You have moved beyond awareness to the acknowledgement phase. You are well on your way to understanding you have untapped levels of inner power.
Liara Covert’s last blog post..7 Reasons people fear spiritual awakening
Hi Lori.
LOL. I know what you mean. We’re there… now… no, now… no, now… :-)
Hi Jannie.
You are welcome! It really can be easy… I wonder why it can be so difficult too. Maybe that’s why a person can feel bad if they react — because they think they know better? But then again… it takes practice to self-manage those emotions.
Hi Patricia.
Thank you! Your comment just reminded me of something: You can’t solve a problem with the same mindset you were in when you “caused” it — or something like that. I like what your professor says about loosing the weight. Wow, there have been so many great suggestions shared here. It’s proof that our abilities are limitless.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble sleeping Patricia. I truly hope this is resolved soon. It is understandable that this would affect your mood.
Hi Liara.
I like how you’ve put this. It sounds like the acknowledgment you are speaking about is like making a connection with another person through a handshake.
Just popping by!
Yes, practice breeds success in matters of attitude “ajustment”
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..3 & 1/2 days
Hi Jannie.
Thanks for popping by :-) Hope you are having a jolly weekend… you and your ukulele.
This post is vintage Davina at her best. It really struck a cord with me. I would occasionally have a bad start to a day and it allowed it to get worse due to a bad attitude. On those days I used to have my shopping trolley full when I was having a bad day. I kept collecting extra items to add to my load.
Wow how things have changed. I just don’t allow myself to feel down for too long. Even if I have to “artificially” lift myself out of a bad attitude I do whatever it takes to change. Some of the questions you highlighted in your post are similar to ones that I use. You have come up with some new questions though which is great cos I will steal them if you don’t mind… for me to use in the future.
Your new site is great by the way… and while I am here I also want to say a special thank you for visiting a few days back on my Meltdown post. I am slipping back into my blogging mojo again, and I really appreciate your visit during a very lean time on my blog.
Leanne Magraith | Forever Change’s last blog post..One Armed Push Ups in a Strappy Blue Dress – My Comfort Zone Story
Davina,
I loved this post, especially the conversation with your “self” and the “shopping list” of questions. These are questions I will save for when I’m having a difficult day or don’t want to look in the mirror!
By the way, I was tickled to see you used my quote. Thanks!
Sara’s last blog post..Blogging: Choosing Your Avatar
Hi Leanne.
You are most welcome to “steal” these questions. Help yourself :-) Thank you for your feedback about the new blog. And, I am more than happy to support your blog — your posts resonate with me and I quite enjoy popping by. Life has called me away from blogging for the last 3 days and I have a lot of catching up to do now. I’m glad to hear you say that you have your mojo back.
Hi Sara.
You’re welcome. “Mirror mirror on the wall…” ;-) I’m “ticked” that you want to employ these questions. Keep me posted on how they’ve worked for you.
EVERYONE:
I’ve just been reading through your comments here and have been appreciating everything you have shared. I value your thoughts and the time you spend reading and making comments. I wanted to take a moment to say THANK YOU for continuing to support my blog. And to the newcomers, thank you for taking the time to pop in and say hi. This has been very fulfilling to share with you all. My warmest thanks!!!
I’m like Vered in that I’ve tended to be more of a cynical person than a positive one. I’ve started to let that go and have learned that I can make choices about how I feel. I’m certainly not full of rainbows but I’ve learned to not let little things bother me so much. I call them little earthquakes (after the Tori Amos album) and say to myself is this a big earthquake or a little one.
I don’t like it when strangers tell me to smile. It’s intrusive and they have no idea how I might be feeling. It might be true grief and sadness not just normal grumpiness and I would never be smiling when I was experiencing those emotions. I guess I could spend more time telling myself to smile :-)
Kim Woodbridge’s last blog post..February Special: 15% off All Services (I Love My Clients)
Hi Davina- This is excellent. I managed to shut my inner critic off, like the Tolle book told me too. But now I’m wondering if I should switch him on again, then maybe he would make me do all the things I don’t feel like doing.
I only just started back blogging yesterday and I don’t think I’m going to manage to come up with a quote in time. I feel quite brain-dead right now. But I am looking forward to reading them all.
Hi Kim.
We can make choices about how we feel, but it’s sure not easy sometimes is it?… At least it’s not easy to be conscious of how we ARE feeling and that we can actually make a choice. Emotions run sneakily on a subconscious level. Like I mentioned to Dot, sometimes just remembering what it feels like to smile can soften the awareness and to remind you that you can make a choice.
What just occurred to me is that deep down all we want is to know we’ve been heard. On some level, as weird as this sounds, remembering just the energy of a smile opens the door so you can listen to yourself.
Hi Cath.
Welcome back! I’ve missed you. I hope you are fully recovered from your infection. Thanks for popping by.
Hmmm…. I don’t think you can actually switch your critic off or on. Just your perspective of him or her… or it. You can only just notice the critic and decide what you WANT to do rather than what you SHOULD do. I bet you are behind on a lot of things — they feel like shoulds because there are so many of them and you don’t know where to start.
To be such a small act, a smile can have such a profound effect upon you and others. Love the article.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker’s last blog post..Fear Is My Friend
Last but not least I am trailing up the end. I struggle with this myself. Being a mom of two I am constantly trying to see the positive in everything because I expect that of my children. When one of us is negative it seems as though all three of us are. I feel that one has a choice to of how to view a situation and some/or most of the time one must make a valid decision of how to react.
These are some powerful questions to use.
Hi Patricia.
Good things come in small packages :-) Thank you.
Hi Cricket.
That’s a good point about choosing to see a situation in a different way. Just that action of shifting a point of view can shift a feeling. Let me know how these questions work for you and the boys.
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