Beyond our control
On the night of October 13, 1937, a high school girl named Doris Van Kappelhoff was involved in a serious car accident. Her injuries curtailed her plans to go to Hollywood to become a dancer.
While recuperating, Doris practiced singing along with female vocalists on the radio. Her perseverance and training paid off when she was hired to sing in a band and soon after, she found parts in movies. Eventually, she changed her name to Doris Day.
This tragic event altered her original plans, leading her in another direction where she found her true calling. I wonder now, putting all obvious discomfort aside, how “tragic” this event really was. Although life does not always go according to our plans, it doesn’t have to leave us feeling crestfallen either.
Doris was committed to dealing with what happened — she made the best of it. Living with life’s conditions in an allowing way is a healthy, mature perspective.
The nature of humility
Things do not always go according to plan. This evokes the archetype of synchronicity and meaningful coincidences. Because our ego insists that things always go our way, we might initially react to disappointment with defiance — fear and desire, debate and blame.
This is in resistance to conditions as they are, and causes suffering. Allowing things to unfold as they will takes humble surrender. This is where nature meets us — humility makes us closer to the earth. The word humility comes from the word humus and goes beyond mere modesty.
Humility is the virtue that helps us when we feel in a state of powerlessness — it tunes our awareness to our reality.
“Nothing is ever complete or finished. Everything is a work in progress, especially ourself.”
- David Richo
Breathe Easy — I am floating
We make plans, generally expecting to be in control of what will happen. However, we are challenged by life’s “mind of its own” and have to learn to let go of having things come out our way.
We act with precision, commitment and self-discipline, expecting life to reward us for our efforts. Yet, discipline and perfect control is the best way to miss out on the joy of life.
If you’ve been working with Affirmation 2 (below) this week, you’ve already been practicing letting go of your attachment to outcomes. Again, it’s all about going with the flow.
“I breathe in the stillness that quiets my worries and the pressures of time. I am filled with the certainty that I will act correctly when the time is right. I breathe out my attachment to outcomes.”
*With the exception of the above affirmation, this material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them — available from the Amazon link in the sidebar.
On Sunday, Affirmation 3 will be published from the Breathe Easy Deck and the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber.
The topic for Affirmation 3 is Reflection.
Has life ever dealt you a new hand that lead you in a completely different direction? Looking back now, can you see how this altered your life?
How flexible are you with your plans?
Do you notice coincidences? How have they played out in your life?
Photo Credit: Clairity
Lori Hoeck
Barbara Swafford
Betsy Wuebker
Hilary
Jannie Funster
Taru Fisher
vered | blogger f...
Barb Hartsook
BK
Chris Edgar
{ 18 comments }
A note to fellow bloggers and readers: Not walking my talk!
Hi everyone. I’ve spent a less than humble last 5 days or so, NOT positively breathing! And I can tell you, it sucks! Working from pretty much 7 am to well into the evening, has really taken a chunk out of my blogging time. And, the biggest coincidence of all is, for the first time since I started blogging… I had an entire month’s worth of posts planned. Not that the world would end if I didn’t have something to post, but well… it wouldn’t make me happy :-)
Here’s another coincidence. Just when I was feeling like I had no more energy to finish my evening tasks tonight, I got ready to publish this draft. Reading the affirmation again was enough to wash the stress away… well, most of it anyway.
The worst of not going to plan was when I was told they doubted I had a vocation for priesthood. “They” were the priests in charge. It was quite stressful. I don’t know if many people can understand in this age, but it was quite a loss for me.
Yet in a way, I’ve returned to a second teenage-hood, another time to start again over, with the same fears but less pimples :)
Miguel de Luis’s last blog post..School…but no classes
Davina,
Thanks for sharing your update in the comments. I just want to tell you that this series of meditations is really helping me. I’ve been doing the second set of affirmations everyday since Monday. In fact today on the way to the airport and on the plane I did it, so that’s twice in one day! You’re doing great work on this blog, so don’t worry about getting everything right. Even if you didn’t breathe yourself, you helped me calm down and let go of my attachment to outcomes! Take care.
Daphne’s last blog post..As Close To Eden As You’ll Get
Great post! I tend to be pretty rigid and not as flexible as I should be, which makes me pretty much freak when something doesn’t go the way I expected it to. I’m really trying to roll with the punches more in my life and realize that unexpected things are going to happen. You may like reading my post “when life gives you lemons…” which was up on my site yesterday. Sometimes we have to deal with things we don’t want to, but there are ways to deal without feeling as if life is out of your control.
Positively Present’s last blog post..ray-bans and rainbows: seeing life through a happy lens
Davina,
I love this line, “However, we are challenged by life’s “mind of its own” and have to learn to let go of having things come out our way.”
I guess my life challenged me when I had to let go of my life coaching practice. I really believed I had found my “calling” and I did, but in a very different direction.
Through coaching, I met a wonderful friend who reawakened my love of writing, which I had not been doing. She once told me I coached through my writing ( I loved this thought!). Eventually, I realized I wasn’t going to be a life coach, but I WAS going to be a writer.
I don’t regret this decision at all and have found that writing has opened many new doors for me:~)
Sara’s last blog post..In Switzerland
“How flexible are you with your plans?”
Not as flexible as I should be. I am the classic control freak and although I have improved a lot over the last few years, I am still in the process of learning to relax and let go.
Vered – MomGrind’s last blog post..Make Everything Taste Like Bacon!
Great post! I have learned to let go of attachments. I notice that when I expect a certain outcome…it usually turns out vastly different than what I planned (usually leaving me disappointed and angry). Sometimes the universe just throws us a curve ball. 8 months ago, my husband bought me a “professional” camera…I never took anything but simple snap shots (and usually with my phone). When I got behind the lens, magic happened…not in my plans to be a photographer! I have my first art opening in the end of June…lol…never thought that would happen in my life time!
Caroline’s last blog post..Trusting…
“Allowing things to unfold as they will takes humble surrender.”
But I’m not good at surrendering!
Has life ever dealt me a new hand? I think that would be when I was 22 years old with a 4 year old, a 2 year old and my twins were born. No one had any idea there was more than one baby. ( Intuitively I knew) Until the first was born. Yikes!
Three at this age was more than enough! So about those twins. People say things like, “I wish I had twins.” “I always wanted twins.” These people don’t have a clue.
Every minute of the girls lives I had to choose between them. Who would I pick up first, who would I feed first, change first…You get the picture?!?
Not fair for a mom. I’m sure due to my age and circumstances it was more difficult for me than other older moms.
So these overwhelming circumstances (choices I made!) led me to get into therapy at 27 years old with my husband. Because of the hard work and the willingness to change and grow we have been married 37 years!
Great post!
Tess The Bold Life’s last blog post..Mackenzie Bold and Beautiful
Hi Miguel.
Now that gets personal, going even beyond expectations. I can imagine the feeling of loss you felt, perhaps even feeling judged by “they”. You’ve still got your sense of humour I see… less pimples, lol.
Hi Daphne.
Thank YOU for sharing how this is working for you. It is fantastic how dedicated you are to this, and I say Way to Go! I really appreciate your comment; you’ve brightened my day :-)
Hi Dani.
Thank you. “I tend to be pretty rigid and not as flexible as I should be, which makes me pretty much freak when something doesn’t go the way I expected it to.” Been there, done that, sister! :-) I guess if you expect the unexpected you’re on your way to “going with the flow”.
Thanks for sharing about your “lemon” post. I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and may actually be able to start getting “back out there” in the next day or so. I’ve really missed the reading.
Hi Sara.
I can appreciate where you are coming from. It is interesting how we meet certain people along the way who nudge us in other directions. Sometimes we already “know” on some level what is true for us, and it just takes some support to help us let go. I’m glad you rediscovered writing — you have a lot to share.
Hi Vered.
Your comment just reminded me of a quote from last week’s post… “We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief that we have control.” Could it be that you are just SO good at keeping it together, so comfortable with it, that you wouldn’t know what to do with things being any other way? Just wondering… :-)
Hi Caroline.
I just got chills reading about your Art Opening. That’s great news. Congratulations!
Hi Tess.
Lol, well, at least you’ve surrendered to not being good at surrendering. That’s a start.
I honestly can’t imagine what that would have been like to raise twins. I’d never considered the mother having to make a choice about which one to take care of first. It couldn’t have been easy. You sound like a strong person Tess and you’ve learned to trust that strength. It’s carried you through 37 years of marriage and 4 children. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate hearing how people have triumphed through growing pains.
Oh how I needed to read this post along with your first comment! (Yes, I love synchronicity!)
Many many times through my life I have thanked God for not giving me my way — the way I was convinced things should go. Never thank him at the time, though.
I am fairly flexible, within structured boundaries, trying to be more flexible. Raising kids teaches that. I have three… all so very different, I’ve learned to be flexible.
I love Caroline’s story — my prayer today is to stay open to learning. And that includes learning about myself and possibilties and new adventures.
Thanks, Davina. (I also loved the Doris Day story — grew up on her movies and voice!)
Barb Hartsook’s last blog post..Fiction Touches and Helps Heal Real Life Emotions
Davina, another vew is that everything that is unfolding is always going precisely to plan. When a person is unaware on key levels, they may assume they do not get what they want when they actually receive exactly what they need. To experience aligning mind and soul helps trigger ah-ha moments. Things often make sense ‘after-the-fact’. Every person can evolve to where they focus on the moment, live completely in the now, and are alert to deeper significance of events as they happen.
Liara Covert’s last blog post..Grasp an unfathomable mystery
Hi Davina!
This is great as I find it so fascinating how things really do work in each of our lives. Every moment can be turned into something negative or something positive.
In my own life, I personally don’t believe in coincidences, I believe that everthing is said, or done or happens for a bigger reason. And when we connect or tap into those reasons, and start seeing the lessons, it is then that we start tapping into the synchronisity of the universe. It is so perfectly laid out for us with every decision we make!
Hi Barb.
You’re welcome. I can imagine how raising three children taught you flexibility. I never had children myself, but my sense is that they expand your perspective… give you room to grow. I love hearing stories like Caroline’s too and I remember Doris Day from my younger years — had no idea of her story until I came across this.
Hi Liara.
Thank you for sharing your wise comment. I like your definition of an ah-ha moment — aligning the mind and soul. So that’s what those moments are. I know what you mean when you say things make sense after the fact. This is a comforting thought and has been something that gets me through challenging times.
Hi Evita.
Very insightful comment! I too believe there is a “reason for everything” whether we see it at the moment or not — reflecting back on Liara’s comment about things making sense after the fact. Synchronicity appears to be that ah-ha of when the dots connect. It like being able to yell “Bingo!”
I like how you described what humility is. Beautifully said – “Humility is the virtue that helps us when we feel in a state of powerlessness — it tunes our awareness to our reality.” Love it!
I’ve been trying to learn to be in less of a struggle. My ego is the thingy to watch out for. When I can make peace with the moment, I also become more flexible. The river of life flows so much more easily through us when we don’t put up huge walls to fight it.
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..Express Your Soul Gifts
Hi Davina,
As I was reading your post it reminded of the saying, “When God closes one door, He opens another”. For me the time in between has been the hardest, but over the years I’ve learned what’s behind the “next door” is more than I ever expected.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..For The Sake Of The Children – Blog Smart
Hi Evelyn.
Thank you… it is pretty brilliant. Though I humbly can’t take credit for that :-) The credit for that one goes to David Richo. It’s true what you say, that when we are “present” we are more flexible. I’ve also come to realize that when there is no ego, nothing else matters. It is what it is — there is no judgment — no good or bad. And now, if I could only live that!
Hi Barbara.
“The time in between” reminds me of a child waiting for Christmas Day to open their presents. That’s great that what you’ve found behind the next door is more than you could have expected. This shows that you are able to “allow” things to unfold and accept what is there. That sounds a lot like humility :-)
The older I get the better I seem to be at handling unforseen changes, perhaps mothering has made it very clear I have much less control than I think I used to.
And just in the past 6 months since discovering blogs such as yours, Liara’s, Patricia’s, Bold Tess’ and others, I feel much better able to go with the flow of life. These breathing mantras are so life-changing. Thank you, Davina.
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Five Pansy Poems, Poem, Pansies
Hi Jannie.
Old? You? If you say so :-) An old soul and a young spirit I’d say. I could see mothering giving a person lessons in going with the flow — oh yes. Maybe that’s my problem… I never had kids, ha ha.
You flatter me to include me in THAT list of blogs — thanks!
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