A Metaphor Made of Stone
We sat at the round table, focused and silent. I listened to the rhythmic ticking of the cuckoo clock, and across the table his eyes twinkled with just one question. “What would you like to have happen today?”
“Well for starters, I would like to feel more relaxed.”
He nodded, “How do you know you are not relaxed?”
“There is a lump in my throat.”
“Describe the lump.”
“It is like a fist, clenched. About this size.” I raised my clenched fist and he nodded again. “Tell me more. What does it feel like? What colour is it?”
“It is very hard.” I paused and continued with obvious surprise, “But… it’s soft in the centre. Not at all like I would have imagined. It’s granite. That’s interesting… it’s like the stone our farmhouse was built from.”
His eyes twinkled, encouragingly. Loud music from below interrupted the gentle space and my attention clung to the image of the lump in my throat. It felt more pronounced now and though our conversation moved on, I had not. Muffled drum rhythm held me captive.
“What’s happening now?” he asked.
“I wish my neighbour would turn their music down.”
He smiled. “It’s okay. This is simply part of our experience right now.”
I was annoyed but lingered on his words. We sat. The music played. The lump in my throat tightened. I resisted the moment, convinced that he too was uncomfortable with the music. How could he not be? My thoughts flashed back to the farmhouse — the granite. My mother was there. Unhappy.
A Story, Captivated by Silence
Memories surfaced about how we had to play quiet in the kitchen because mother was napping upstairs. She would become angry if we made too much noise. I learned how to be almost invisible. Good at keeping the peace. Captivated by silence.
I was captivated now by an epiphany and felt his anticipation as I began to share. “You know, I’ve figured out what’s going on. It’s not about the music. I’m concerned about keeping a comfortable space here for you. I’m worried that you will become angry at the noise… just like my mother would have.”
I was feeling excited as my energy shifted with this realization. “I’m afraid of having to deal with your reaction, trying to hold the peace. Afraid of saying something wrong.”
“What else are you doing?”
“I’m making up a story.” He nodded. “And, what is the relationship between myself and your mother?”
“Nothing.” I was silent. The music had stopped. This story was old and I could stop listening to it. I could break the silence I had allowed to take hold of me and start expressing myself.
His eyes were still twinkling, “How is that lump in your throat?”
“Gone.”
Metaphor Inquiry
The “He” in this story — this real story — is my friend Ian Johnson. We were practicing working with metaphors one day, and employing what he calls, Clean Decision-Making (CDM).
“CDM uses active metaphor inquiry to integrate as many perspectives as possible and develop a non-objectionable path forward… It is used for personal development by individuals to help them get clear on what they want…”
Although my intention was to feel more relaxed, what was really lying below the surface was that I wanted permission to express myself freely.
CDM takes a person below the surface of what they are conscious of. It deals with the most challenging aspects of decision-making, one of which is identifying the real problem.
Metaphors are used more commonly than we are aware of. They are a language we can tap into to deepen our experience.
What I continue to learn about them is their changing and vulnerable nature. Once our mind gets hold of this “pretty picture” it can manipulate our experience, keeping us locked into it. I explored the image of the fist in my throat, which lead me to the stone. And if my mind had its way, I would have believed this stone was rock hard and solid — not soft in the centre.
Metaphors are a favourite tool with life coaches, and after working with Ian, I am more convinced at how valuable they are. Clients of mine can expect the language of metaphors in our sessions because having an opportunity to express our story will move us past obstacles. Just by telling the story, the falsities will fall away and only the truth will remain.
Have you noticed when telling your story, that you seem to “know” what is true and what is not?
What is your story? Are you telling it, or letting it tell you? Think about it.
Photo credit: Jsome1
Linda
Barbara Swafford
Deb Dorchak
Tony Single
Chris Edgar
Sara
Jeffrey Willius
Doug Gene
{ 29 comments }
Fascinating. Interestingly, I would have started with “I want to feel more relaxed” too. But I don’t know if I’m telling my story, or if I’m telling the whole story. Probably not.
Vered – MomGrind’s last blog post..10 Ways To Hate Yourself As A Woman
Hi Davina,
First, I love you writing. It’s so engaging I find myself reading every word, wondering where it will lead.
I agree, when we tell our story, as we speak or write the words, we do know our own truth. I also find blogging has become a great tool for this practice. Often I’ve typed something, reread it, and said, “that’s not the real truth”. I then change it as I realize by not being authentic, I’m only fooling myself.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..The Biggest Challenge Of Blogging
Hi Vered.
That IS an interesting way to put it. :-) Hmmm. Why not see how else you could look at the reason behind your stress. Try choosing another perspective perhaps. I know it’s easy for me to say (ha!), but how is this stress serving you? What is it costing you? What other choices could you make? And here’s a flip; what is positive about this? What does it tell you about yourself? Often, seeing the positive attributes can lessen the pressure you are putting on yourself to “feel” or experience it differently. Okay, I’m babbling now. Just my 2 (or 4 cents) worth.
Hi Barbara.
Thank you! That’s an amazing compliment and I appreciate your saying so. What a brilliant point you’ve made here. I love how you’ve tied this into the idea of blogging. And, I know EXACTLY what you mean about typing something and realizing it is not the “real truth”. Even more profound to recognize that you are fooling more than just your readers, you are fooling yourself. Undetected, how easily that can influence the rest of your writing too.
Hi Davina,
I agree with Barbara, that blogging has been a way to share my voice – and in so doing – to speak in very real ways. This hasn’t always been easy to do – but it’s certainly felt like the right thing to do.
I also happen to love the use of metaphors, so reading your story really pulled me in. And I think you did a wonderful job of both talking about metaphors, and sharing a personal experience – two t hings that pull me in.
And the idea of my story – and who’s telling it, me or the story? If I think of my life as my story, then I think that I’m telling the story, as I’m actively participating in that life. On the other hand, maybe part of it is told by the story – when I’m more passive – the story does the telling… Hmm…this has me really thinking about what this really means for me.
Lance’s last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
Hi Davina – Your writing just gets better and better! And this subject was compelling. I loved how your friend drew the reality from the center of the metaphor. I find it amazing how strong and protective the psyche can be against what we perceive our vulnerabilities to be, and that the shielding is so innate that we don’t recognize it for what it is without lots and lots of work. This was a wonderful post, Davina. You have broken through to a higher level recently and your return to blogging after your brief hiatus reflects that breakthrough in a simply marvelous way.
Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post..FROM THE ROAD: INTO THE YUKON
Davina, I really enjoyed this post. Your writing and the way you pieced the story together pulled me in and held me there, which was okay because I didn’t want to leave. :)
I have found that I use metaphor a lot in my own life. I do almost subconsciously now, so when an image comes into my mind about a situation I am in or dealing with, I pay a lot of attention to it. I figure that my subconscious has picked up on something far more “real” than something on a conscious level, and I take it down. I explore the metaphor and go down to the heart of it. I find that I then so all aspects of a situation, not just my own, and most of the time I am able to find my answers by doing this as well.
One of the mediums through which these metaphors come to me is most often through writing. My journals open up like a book to me sometimes, in much the same way your conversation with Ian opened up. I also find a heart-to-heart with a confidant also elicits some of these metaphors, too. And it’s always helpful to explore these metaphors together.
Thank you for this post. It’s a lovely reminder to listen to our life.
Chania Girl’s last blog post..Footsteps in the Dark
I’m just not comfortable with the whole idea of life coaches doing therapy, given the relatively small amount of training it takes to become one compared to becoming a psychologist, and the lack of any licensing or oversight, compared to the licensing, oversight and legal and ethical requirements for becoming a psychotherapist, but this particular sessions\ sounds exaclty like a therapy session, and it sounds like your insights were valuable.
Dot’s last blog post..Creating a Household Notebook
Davina,
I agree with Barbara that your writing was captivating and it was like reading a thriller… I couldn’t wait to get to the next sentence to find out what was happening next. You should write novels!
Like Dot, I am not comfortable with life coaching in general because so many life coaches are self-declared, with no training or experience whatsoever. Of course there are very good coaches too, and it looks like you found a great one in Ian. Thanks for sharing.
Daphne @ Joyful Days’s last blog post..Book Review: Not of My Making
Wow. This post have given me a lot to think about in relation to what my story is and how I’m telling it… This post was really well done and I truly enjoyed it. I’m looking forward to giving this topic some thought.
Positively Present’s last blog post..trust me: to be happy you need to trust
Hi, Davina. You’ve written this so beautifully! I didn’t want it to end.
Your entire conversation with Ian was like having a true best friend be a fully supportive sounding board, allowing you to think out your own dilemma. When we can think it out for ourselves is when understanding is most valuable! Although we can do this for ourselves, if we’re very introspective and honest, sometimes having someone with no ulterior motive and only your best interest at heart is so helpful. I don’t put as much stock in formal training as I do loving guidance and nudging. Often, the best therapy happens with a cup of tea, a pair of caring eyes, and a warm, loving smile. Whether that comes from a parent, friend, or even a life coach, having someone who is unbiased and simply prompts me to deeper thinking is invaluable! Journaling, observation and application are invaluable tools, as well.
Again, Davina, your story points out the value in delving deeper within to find solutions to issues we may not even consciously be aware of, simply because the obvious is always grabbing all the attention. ;) Wisdom comes from within.
Love, Julie
Julie’s last blog post..On That Note
You gave me a lot to think about. I never thought to look at what I’m gaining from being a stressed person. It’s definitely part of being efficient, capable… a perfectionist. I’ll think about it some more. Thank you!
Vered – MomGrind’s last blog post..10 Ways To Hate Yourself As A Woman
Are you telling your story or are you letting it tell you? … wow. Makes me wonder where am I using metaphors. Is anything really like it is. Or is it just a metaphor for something else.
Avani’s last blog post..Following My Heart
This is how I would describe you: Open, honest, genuine, compassionate, wise…who wouldn’t want to have those qualities in their life coach?
It sounds like Ian is a great coach as well. Thanks for sharing this tool with us but most of all thanks for sharing you!
Tess The Bold Life’s last blog post..Dr. Christine Northrup Freebie/Magic Monday
Thanks, that’s a great example of a coaching conversation. It’s amazing how our perspective on the world is often tied to a particular way of holding our bodies — personally, if I start to feel like “nobody here wants me around,” I now know that if I turn my attention to my solar plexus I’ll notice that it’s tight. When I relax the muscles there, somehow “nobody wants me around” seems ridiculous and like a non-issue.
Interesting about the metaphors. I have used metaphors in some of my articles but seldom when I am coaching my clients in such great detail. I was introduced to the idea when I took my coaching classes but have never quite applied or learned it in greater detail. Maybe it is time for a relook!!
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..No Such Thing as Failure; Only Feedback
I think my blog’s being told by a strange unseen force I can’t control, and kind of an impish one at that. This imp drops metaphors at every turn. And even that is a metaphor it seems.
No,in truthI am aware that I sometimes allowing my story to tell me. I have to work on that.
Jannie Funster’s last blog post..Got Gravatar? No? It’s Easy!
Hi Lance.
It is not easy to do all the time, but I think that’s part of our learning. You have one of the most authentic voices around at the Jungle Of Life and the community you’ve attracted it testament to that. Glad to have got you thinking — have fun! :-)
Hi Betsy.
Gee thanks! I love how you’ve put this; we can so easily become attached to those shields. I think making assumptions comes into play here as well, and getting caught up in “doing” keeps us distracted from what is really going on. We don’t stop to think or question.
Hi Chania Girl.
I really appreciate your comment :-) I love hearing that people have been captivated. I agree that exploring metaphors in conversation and through writing invites another perspective — it opens up a whole new playing field when two heads come together. It’s so cool how other windows magically open up. It’s neat actually… like we have access to our own personal movies 24/7.
Hi Dot.
I understand what you are saying. This does sound a lot like a therapy session. Both therapists and life coaches use metaphors when working with clients. The distinction is how the tools are used. In my case, I was in charge of my process and was leading Ian, who responded intuitively with more questions. I was giving him the answers in contrast to patients who seek answers and guidance from a therapist. He was not giving me advice or helping me to “fix” something. It was more of a co-active process.
As a life coach I would never coach a client who would be better helped by a therapist.
Hi Daphne.
Thank you — a thriller! :-) Since grade 5 I’ve wanted to write a book. One is in the works actually, but in the very early stages.
Life coaching is a process that continues to unfold for anyone who begins. Everyone is at a different stage of learning and it is important to note that even credentials don’t necessarily make a good coach; it’s not the only aspect of coaching. I had a sample session with a strong, well-credentialed coach who I admired very much. We did not have a “click” — there was no rapport. Rapport is one of the most important aspects of coaching.
Hi Dani.
Thanks for your kind words. I’m so glad you enjoyed this. Have fun on your adventure… :-)
Hi Julie.
“Wisdom comes from within.” I love this statement. There ARE so many ways to connect (as you’ve listed) — a cup of tea with a good friend is one of my favourites. Plus it’s a good thing we have so many different options. Ever notice that the more limited our options are, the more we take them for granted and stop feeling the excitement of the quest? It’s good to change things up a bit — keep more tools in our toolbox :-)
Hi Vered.
You’re welcome. It makes me wonder how much more stress we add on top of what is already there when we beat ourselves up for feeling stressed in the first place. After reading your blog for the past year, to me you come across as incredibly capable and efficient. You’re already a winner! You’re just still running in the race :-)
Hi Avani.
Okay, now you’ve got me thinking! Time to start peeling back more of those layers :-) I don’t think this ever ends.
Hi Tess.
Thank you :-) You’ve made my day. And, Ian has the same qualities too; funny how like finds like. I, ahem suspect that you are made of the same stuff you know.
Hi Chris.
That is interesting, and great that you’ve recognized this in yourself. It gives you back your power, so to speak; and of course, the solar plexus has been referenced to our personal power. Personally, I think that is where the ego lives :-) Hmmm, I wonder if it is him you are hearing say “Nobody here wants me around”?
I think we spend a lot of time pretending we don’t feel discomfort… afraid to know what is behind it… or afraid to admit it and just deal with it. It’s a challenge to look at these parts of ourselves and we do so at our own pace, when we’re ready.
Hi Evelyn.
Metaphors are great because they help us to connect with the “moving truth”. They give us a medium to work with, something that actually evolves right before our eyes. Can you tell I LOVE them? :-)
Hi Jannie.
Yes, I would use the word “imp” where you are concerned for sure! I can think of one great way your story comes through you…singing.
Davina!
I enjoyed reading this post very much…it had fluidity and it held my attention. I also have not heard about CDM until now but it has ecome clear to me by way of your description.
I know that I tell the story rather than the story telling itself…I like feeling in control of feeling my experience…and I love and use metaphors a lot! One of my favorites that I’ve made up and use often is “I feel like there’s a lead ball pressing against my soul”…used when I am uncertain and fearful.
Henie’s last blog post..SoulBurst
Hi Davina, well thanks for sharing about the Clean Decisions Making, I am having a look at it.
Miguel de Luis’s last blog post..Thursday Haiku: Dreams and Hopes
hi davina, this was a wonderful post, it really got me thinking too about me and how i feel about noise. i grew up when children were supposed to be seen and not heard. i’m not sure if i was worried about my mom leaving or disturbing the peace, but i get really agitated when things are not quiet when i think they should be, like at night. i will have to go think about this and what it means. i guess it’s about control for me. hmmm. very interesting.
Natural’s last blog post..Why Wait, Buy Now!
Hi Henie.
You are a metaphor queen! You come up with some brilliant imagery in the quotes you write on your blog. When I read about that lead ball you say you feel when you are feeling uncertain, I saw you working out with it :-)
Hi Miguel.
You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy reading more about Clean Decision Making.
Hi Valerie.
Thank you. I’m glad this was thought-provoking for you. “I get really agitated when things are not quiet when I think they should be, like at night.” — I understand that perfectly. I expect things to be quiet at night too. It’s those expectations (I expect), plus the feeling that some people are disrespectful of others that causes the frustration.
Love your writing Davina and this is a new approach to story telling and decision making I had not heard of before.
I do notice that a great many comments are about similar stories to the post written, when I am reading other blogs. I might think of comments as simile to the commentors story/ anecdote.
Very interesting, she says and ponders.
patricia’s last blog post..There’s a place For Me
Hi Patricia.
That IS interesting. And it’s neat how discovering a new approach can send you down a new road and offer up new perspective. Like a different way to the same destination… ponder, ponder, ponder :-)
Metaphors offer insight into soul. Dreams communicate with you in metaphors. You choose whether or not to listen to yourself.
Liara Covert’s last blog post..What wisdom do fireflies offer?
Hi Liara.
This is interesting what you say about how we choose whether or not to listen to our dreams and messages through metaphors. Until this experience, I’ve never been aware of consciously making a choice to listen. I find dreams and metaphors fascinating.
Davina’s last blog post..Captivated By a Metaphor
What a fascinating way to writing. This was beautiful. If felt a though I were in the room during this brief session.
I am the same about noise. I grew up with 5 brothers in a small house. My step father worked third shift so I remember dreading one of my siblings waking him up. This was not a good thing. I have sense noticed that I have carried this into my adult life. Noises do bother me when they are unnecessary. I have noticed this in the past and I do work on it.
I had a great time reading your comments above. We have each pulled form this post exactly what we need.
Just beautiful.
.-= Tammy-Cricket´s last blog ..Simple Things… =-.
Hi Tammy.
You’ve been captivated by a metaphor :-) But in a good way. It’s funny how our behaviour can become customized from earlier events in our lives. And those are the memories that seem like yesterday too. I’ve read before that emotions know no limit of time — 20 years ago can feel like yesterday when there is a emotional tie.
Davina is a friend of mine.
We spent a few moments of time together exploring metaphor and how it structures and guides our life.
My joy lies in how you have all participated in the experience, each from your own perspective.
Be well on your journey, Ian
.-= Ian Johnson´s last blog ..Clean Decision-Making =-.
Hi there Ian.
Thanks for popping in to say hi. This has been a fun experience, I agree. And I feel so appreciative of everyone’s support and sharing. Couldn’t have happened without your guidance.
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