Destination, Uncertainty
One foot in front of the other. Step by step, I stared blankly down at my feet. Each stride carried me forward effortlessly. Cracks in the sidewalk hinted at my progress.
I was heading home from running errands with a number of fresh $20 bills resting comfortably in my wallet. Despite these new earnings, I wasn’t resting comfortably.
The fear I’d been running from had caught up with me, feeling like a lead weight in the pit of my stomach every morning.
I was pleased though, if you can believe that. I had become comfortable with the discomfort — learned to walk with it, not run from it. There is respect, even though the destination is uncertain.
Trust the Edge of Being
Starting a new business is not easy in the best of times. More than two years had passed since being laid off from a job as a proofreader. Nine months had been spent living off savings after employment insurance ceased. The panic had subsided and I was determined to not give up.
Recent events had been encouraging. Crimson Compass Life Coaching had attracted a few new clients and I was pleased. But clearly this business needed the grace of more time and I was running out of time; or felt like it anyway. With the downturn of the financial markets in 2008, I had lost close to $20,000 that was supposed to cover living expenses; about a year of time.
More recent events connected me with some new proofreading contacts and Writer Sense Communications began to feed me. Hence, the fresh $20s that had just been tucked comfortably into my wallet, with delicious appreciation. So why was I not tucked comfortably into my life?
I’d been fearful of not knowing how things were going to turn out. Compare this to stage fright; living on that edge just before stepping out on stage. Not trusting how things would unfold, despite rehearsing for weeks; despite having a plan. I was not trusting the Self to take care of the Self.
The Edge of Something
NOW is vulnerable. Like the flicker of a candle flame NOW surrenders to the mind and the breath. This flame humbly lights a room and can just as easily and fiercely burn that room to ashes.
Until this moment, I had surrendered to the ego — the mind — and my flame had been blown out. I was in the dark, not trusting the process. More importantly, I was not trusting myself to be IN the process. What if my business failed? What if I ran out of money? What if?
I focused on the cracks in the sidewalk, realizing I was still moving forward. I had no idea what was around the next corner, but I knew something would be.
I realized that something was happening now. Something was going to happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. It might be something I’d planned… or not.
But one thing is certain — I would be around the next corner. Me. And whatever happened, I would deal with whatever something was. This was certain. And for some strange reason, I found myself tucked in comfortably with that certainty.
Care to take a stroll around the next corner?
Do you trust that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way?
How do you keep yourself motivated in challenging times?
Photo credit: The Wandering Angel
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Love this post! I was actually just reading about what it means “to be” verses what it means “to do” and this post ties right in with that idea. It’s not easy for me to just be and I feel like reading this post has really helped me thinking about being and what it means to be who you are, where you are, regardless of what’s coming next. The future is uncertain at times, but we have the ability to control who we are (even if we can’t control what happens to or around us).
Positively Present´s last blog ..100 ways to live in the moment
I am always inspired when you share your personal struggles and triumphs.
I think with this recession, almost everyone feels fear right now, to some degree.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog ..Truth In Advertising
I wouldn’t have the courage to try to start a business unless I had some pretty good, long-term financial security. The knowledge that most new businesses fail is one of the things that kept me from seriously considering going into any sort of business of my own.
Where I’m at right now, I pretty much know what’s around the next corner and we’re pretty well-situated to handle most of what may come our way.
One of the things that I’m doing to help us through these challenging times is I’m going back to work again — I think * — so that we can afford some of the things we want for the house renovation without dipping into our savings. That’ll help preserve our savings for future needs.
* the contract has had some difficulties, but it’s at the very final stage and I should be back this week — working out of an office that is right next to the one I shared for over 15 years. ;)
Mike Goad´s last blog ..Blogging Milestone
What do I do in challenging times? I remember past challenges and how I got through all of them and survived.
I increase prayer, meditation and journaling time. I surround my self with positive people or silence. I exercise more and ask for help.
I also ask myself what it is I’m suppose to be learning or what my lessons are. Also I have two signs in my home one says “Expect a Miracle” another says “This too shall pass.”
It must be pretty difficult to be in the position you are in, with little idea of how you are going to pay for your bills. Although I have never been in the same shoes such as yours, I have had my fair share of money issues previously.
When it comes to attracting clients and readers, I find that setting intentions help. Some months ago, while I was sitting in a sidewalk cafe with a friend, I “received” a spiritual personal message that “I will be provided for all that I am needed”. At that point in time, I was sharing with her about how many of our intents did come true, even though we often experienced a difficult time with trusting.
The trick is to continue to trust, even while there can be a time lag (for the Universe, your guides and spiritual team to assemble all the resources for you).
Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..How to Prevent H1N1 Flu Naturally
Hi Dani.
Well said! The best description I can think of about being vs doing is that when you are being you aren’t thinking about doing. :-)
Hi Vered.
Comments like yours make this even more worthwhile. Thank you!
Hi Mike.
That’s great that you are in such a good position. Hmm, I think that in one way, you are looking forward to going back to work. :-) Am I right?
Hi Tess.
Those are great suggestions; especially exercising, asking for help… and asking WHAT you are supposed to be learning! Turning it into a learning experience helps a person to take responsibility and be accountable in the situation. It makes you feel that there IS a reason and you are not a victim.
Hi Evelyn.
I couldn’t agree with you more! Trust is so important. If this were just a money issue, I would have taken a job a year ago. This is a comforting statement: “I will be provided for all that I am needed.” And I now understand about the lag time too… after the dam burst a couple of months ago (about 3 months after I set my intent) and was busier than I could even have imagined.
Yes, you are right. Actually, I’m looking forward to it in more than one way. I’ve known some of the people that I’ll be working with for over 25 years. Also, I get to do the part of the job that I really liked as well as the part of the job that most new instructors there would like to be assigned to. I get to run and teach in the simulator…. and so on and so on.
I also get to leave in 6 months….
Mike Goad´s last blog ..Blogging Milestone
Hi Davina…
Thank you for sharing this. It gives me comfort to know that we are all together in this journey.
This post reminded me of “passing through zero” and over to the positive side of things.
You are one step ahead of me in all aspects and you did make it round the bend…and the next…and the next…
As for I, I don’t even have a shiny penny, let alone crisp $20’s in my wallet…but somehow, my heart is fearless and I consider worry as curdled energy!
Thank you for being a part of my life! I appreciate you!
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Henie´s last blog ..Patterns
I am trusting “the process” more than ever before. I am trusting to listen and follow my heart. I found this in my blogging…when I tried too hard and listened to my ego then it got complicated. So now I am just going with the flow and trusting that something good is waiting around the bend…
I like the uncertainty!
Caroline´s last blog ..Putting the pieces together…
Hi Davina,
Another beautiful story.
I know where you’re coming from. If we don’t trust what’s around the next corner, where does that leave us?
In our business we’ve been hit hard due to the economy. We keep moving forward, “knowing” a break will come. Often it’s in the form of a little job, or a chance meeting, but we never give up hope.
The struggles only make us stronger. Someday we’ll all look back, say “remember when” and smile at all we learned from where life took us.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..How Writing Catchy Titles May Hurt Our Blog
It’s a great reminder of the power of self-reliance.
I see too many people give up. They have it in them, but they stop trying or surrender. What they didn’t know was that they are stronger than resistance if they just keep moving forward. Life’s not static and persistence pays off.
J.D. Meier´s last blog ..June 2009’s Most Popular Posts
To quote Donald Trump, “Never give up. Only quitters give up.”
Of course you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills, but never give up if you have a dream.
My horizon is always beautiful. I never give up because I can see that horizon getting closer each day.
John Hoff – WpBlogHost´s last blog ..How To Install WordPress Manually and Why Beginners Should Do It
Hi Davina,
No doubt that you are passing a hard period. But still you have your courage, self confidence and kind friends and so on.. to face the harsh wind.I know you gonna get through this for sure.And when you done you’ll have a great stories to share with readers about how you’ve overcome that hard period :)
vikum-Thinking Park´s last blog ..The power of focusing
I love this post. Your words put me right where you are, and moving forward to the next corner is so important. Each time I pick up my camera, a new corner opens up and my excitement is renewed.
Life is good and getting better. :)
LisaNewton´s last blog ..Free Park and Ride with the Los Angeles Metro
This post and the reflection it offers is very real to the heart and mind. There you are fully exposed, fully transparent – that takes a lot of courage Davina. You are facing your thoughts out loud. I wonder if that made you feel better or worse?
I feel somewhat close to you in this situation as I just finished a school year, my last school year as a teacher. So there came my last paycheck with it as I decided to walk away from that job to pursue my own passions and interests of writing and consulting.
But I have to tell you although I had a year to prepare for this, and although there were moments of uncertainty as in, am I doing the right thing? It always came down in the end to “just be conscious in your actions, trust and believe”.
Perhaps it is a bit easier for me because Markus is still earning and income, so there is always that to fall back on, but despite the fact that there will be no more comfy paychecks, I feel fine. If we need to change our lifestyle, we are prepared to do so. So if I may offer you any advice from my personal experience on this so far, just keep going in the direction of your dreams and passions, keep adding value, be honest in all that you do and the universe will find ways to reward you. Trust, don’t let the ego take over and take you down in fear. Have the faith that the same perfectness that exists in this present moment for you will be there in all your future, present moments :)
Evita´s last blog ..There Is A Purpose
Hi Davina – I am loving this series of introspective posts you are writing, too! I so admire your bravery not only in the face of challenges, but in putting them out there in such a transparent way for everyone to relate to.
I do trust I can handle whatever comes. I believe it’s all a matter of perspective, but once one has emerged from the unthinkable, other prospects pale by comparison. My litmus is, “Is anyone going to die over this?” Generally, they’re not. :)
What you’ve demonstrated in this series, Davina, is the enormity of your personal empowerment. I’ve long believed that exposing one’s vulnerability transparently, from a place of self-knowledge and general (not complete by any means) is a sign of personal strength. You are stronger because of this. It’s something we all should keep in mind. Thanks, Davina.
Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..THE FLAME OF LIBERTY STILL BURNS
I could never start a business without some kind of financial stability to rely on — too much financial instability in my childhood. I admire what you’re doing and hope it pays off bigger soon.
Dot´s last blog ..Comment on My Mother Has Passed by Davina
Hi Mike.
There’s a wide grin spread across my face now. This situation sounds perfect! You get to connect with old friends, do a job you enjoy, not make a long commitment and… you get paid too! Yeah!
Hi Henie.
You are fearless! I know you have embarked on a new journey too. One step at a time, right? “Worry as curdled energy” — that IS a great way to put it! Thanks for your kind words Henie. They’re very appreciated. Things are moving along and all is good — I sense you feel the same way about your adventure too :-)
Hi Caroline.
“When you wing-it… you fly.” I”ve been following your blog for a while now and I can see how you are discovering strength in yourself. The Zen in You is a perfect name for your blog; you embody it well. I used to think “Zen” meant calm and safe from the outer world. But I don’t believe that anymore. It starts inside a person and they apply it to their lives; not the other way around.
Hi Barbara.
Thank you. Good point — we might not ever take another step if that were the case. Aren’t those “chance meetings” a blessing? Those are the golden ones. And I agree, someday we will all look back and say “remember when” :-)
Hi J.D.
“Life’s not static and persistence pays off.” It’s encouraging to hold this thought; especially the part about how we are stronger than resistance. After all, we are the ones who create the resistance in the first place.
Hi John.
I guess in one way, those bills are keepin it real. :-) What’s interesting about the horizon is that it represents the big picture (the wide angle view, if you will); and every step you take in your daily life (every decision you make) between now and then bring you closer.
Hi Vikum.
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I appreciate your encouraging words. I agree, there are, have been and will be, some great stories to share. I look forward to sharing more triumphs.
Hi Lisa.
I’m glad you enjoyed this post. Photography is an excellent “window” of opportunity to keep moving. There never seems to be an end to great shots does there?
Hi Evita.
Facing thoughts aloud is therapeutic and actually lessens their hold. Thank you for your wonderful advice — “just be conscious in your actions, trust and believe”. And I liked your suggestion to keep adding value too. That is something I hadn’t considered.
Change really wakes us up; it only seems fearful because it is new and we are sooo awake! It’s powerful to make such a decision as yours — choosing to leave a job is a bold move. You exude confidence Evita, and your boldness and humility combined, will open many doors. Congratulations on your new journey!
Hi Betsy.
Thanks! It gives me even more strength to share and believe that anyone who may be having a doubtful day themselves, can find some inspiration here. And, I love receiving the support too. “Is anyone going to die over this?” :-) Probably not. Maybe the ego… but we’ll just keep growing stronger. Thanks for the encouragement Betsy!
Hi Dot.
Thank you. I hear you… we need money to take of “things”. That is for sure! Your childhood has given you an awareness that other people wouldn’t have. There is fear of money, and love of money… but respect and appreciation of it goes a long way.
I have a friend who is very well off and yet they live in a small world, afraid to spend their money. There is a lot of money in their bank account (probably a million and they are long retired), but they have no respect or appreciation of it. This person is trying to control it, and not realizing that it is controlling them.
When you’re in the “now” that is scary and vulnerable. When I’m in that space, I try to recall my difficult situations in the past and how I got though them. The solutions may not be the same, but its the knowing that I do have the power and build my own life is what keeps me going though those tough times.
Carla´s last blog ..Thursday Link Love – green jobs, junk mail, vodka and more.
I like this story for its profound simplicity and truth. In fact while reading it I thought that the points you made would fit well within a ballad on living life boldly. Well done.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog ..What’s Your Main Thing?
Davina, your vulnerability, here, is what endears us to you. What also shines through is your grit and tenacity, your determination. Belief in yourself, and then faith, confidence, and trust are what will fill in all the cracks and keep you buoyant, helping you to sail through any mental games your psyche presents. Use them as your resting place as you continue to explore the fun ways you can create the life of your dreams. You can’t go wrong! ;)
Julie´s last blog ..The Honor is All Mine
Gutsy transparency — it’s so refreshing and motivating!
Dr. Wayne Dyer’s affirmation to counter the thought, “It’s going to be risky” is “Being myself involves no risk. It is my ultimate truth, and I live it fearlessly.”
Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..How our intuition warns of danger
Hi Carla.
Great point! We can learn so much from our past experiences. “The solutions may not be the same”… but the knowing that we have the power to build our own lives. How can we go wrong? Thanks Carla.
Hi Tom.
You definitely can’t be any more bold than when you are truly in the moment and facing all that it conjures! But, oh God… help me! :-) Sometimes a person just hasta say that. Thanks!
Hi Julie.
Thank you. You are sooo poetic my friend. I love how you’ve expressed this. We do play a lot of mental games don’t we? And we’re so good at convincing ourselves too.
Hi Lori.
Wayne Dyer is one of my favourites. “Being myself involves no risk” Now that is a powerful statement. Thank you!
Hi Davina
Life is a journey that unfolds in front of us, a little bit at a time as we move along. Very much like driving in the dark, out in the countryside with no street lights? All that you have is your head lights which may only light up about 100 ft in front of you. You have no idea what is beyond the 100ft, yet you drove in the dark trusting that you will see the next 100ft as you move ahead.
That is exactly how life works; you don’t need to know everything… All you have to do is to believe – believe in yourself. Trusted that you can and you will figure it out as you move along.
If you have ever got into your car to go somewhere that you have never been before or if you have ever driven in the dark? If the answer is yes, then you should know that you have the ability to go ahead to reach for your dreams without knowing all the pieces. Don’t park your life in the drive way any longer, while you are trying to figure out how life is going to unfold. Get out there and go after what you want. Have no fear!
Let your life unfold as you move along. You can do it! You have driven in the dark…
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
This was beautiful and empowering, Davina. You’re very wise. I love when folk share their humanity, their challenges and triumphs; it creates supportive communities and helps us all relish our own humanity.
No matter what I’m going through, there’s always a line in the Desiderata that shines a bit more brightly to send me guidance. Today’s were:
janice´s last blog ..Rapt Attention,Gifts and Rain
Davina, as you learn to focus on what you have, on all the good you are doing, then those things you do not have or are not doing no longer seem relevant or important. Each person goes through a process of inner change. Every stage of self-awareness is as menaingful as you decide it is.
Liara Covert´s last blog ..How to break the vicious cycle
Hi Davina – Thanks for sharing and I’m glad you’re now more comfortable with your uncertainties.
I still worry about what’s around the corner. I have made so many mistakes and I do worry that one day my luck will run out and I won’t be able to pick myself back up. It’s crazy really, as it’s almost always the things you’re not worrying about at all that cause you the most trouble.
Hi Davina – beautifully and movingly written, as always!
I’m quite capable of being upset about things, but for some strange reason, worrying about the future isn’t something I do – it just doesn’t occur to me! I mean the “general future” – I may feel anxious about an event coming up, like, say, to take something completely at random, what I’m going to do about visiting family at Christmas this year – but the overall future doesn’t worry me. I used to worry about money when I didn’t have any, but now I have enough to get by on.
Robin´s last blog ..Counterclockwise, by Ellen Langer
Hi Giovanna.
This is a brilliant analogy. I love the idea of driving in the dark and only being able to see a few feet in front of you… AND to not have to know everything. You are very good with metaphors.
Hi Janice.
Thank you for sharing this encouraging passage; I especially like the words “dark imaginings”. It really is empowering to witness our humanness and to realize that in all reality, we are in the same boat, just at different “rest stops”.
Hi Liara.
It really is a waste to focus so much energy on what we don’t want or don’t have and yet folk tend to do it automatically (myself included), like it’s a default state of mind. I’m remembering appreciation as I type this.
Hi Cath.
Even though you are worrying, you haven’t stopped from going around the next corner. That takes guts to keep moving despite the uncertainty. You know, I’m beginning to not believe in luck. I think we set ourselves up to be in the right place at the right time… somehow… You luck is you taking care of business and making the best of the opportunities that come along.
Hi Robin.
Thank you. Writing is a huge pleasure, one that I appreciate very much. “You are quite capable of being upset about things” — Interestingly put :-) You sound so nonchalant. Family at Christmas… that is enough to make some people I know feel anxious.
Hi Davina:
I was in this same inner searching today in my morning focusing time. I am sure we are not taught to trust ourselves in our childhood. School is big on crushing our independence. My awareness of lacking trust was covered by anger-the “had tos” I had to do to fit in as a child were still driving my inner peace today.
But here is the tag line-I took on this belief as truth. I really don’t know if this was true. I know my parents loved me and still do through all my crazy moods. I have proof of that today as 55 year old. But you know, the ego loves to be in control as you noticed too.
Once I shifted to this awareness that this belief isn’t what I wanted to put anymore energy into, the anger calmly healed. Ah-there it is…phew. Feeling this trust felt so good.
Thanks for sharing your wonderful insights. Glad to know I am not alone in healing my fears too.
Keep moving forward!
Cynthia
Cynthia Christianson´s last blog ..Ride the Wave!
Hi Cynthia.
Thank you for sharing. When you do stop to think about things the way you did this morning it does help you to realize how much energy is being wasted… on illusions that we have created… and with the assumption that they are the truth. Fitting in with peers can bring on growing pains. Looking back, I believe it shows us more of who we are, and more of who we aren’t. It sure doesn’t feel that way though when you’re in the middle of it all. I love hearing that your anger shifted and calmly healed. That IS a triumph!
Yes, I know for sure I can handle whatever comes along. I have a great big wonderful God who provides always.
In challenging times I find comfort in friends and the triumph of humor.
xo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..The Missing Picture
Davina,
Your post really touched my heart. Keep moving forward my friend. I have no doubt that you will find something special waiting for you…it may not be exactly what you intended, but it will sustain you:~)
Sara´s last blog ..Yes But…
Hi Jannie.
Well, it sounds like you have a great support network. Humour is a blessing!
Hi Sara.
Thanks for your heartfelt comment. How true is that eh? Sometimes we don’t necessarily get what we intended. But, I do believe we get what is best (even though it may not feel like it at the time).
Davina,
I just read your name in the front of Ken’s book – I know that person and she does fine work…she is a great writer…I am proud to see her name there for others to see also .
Lovely writing and courageous sharing – it is just this kind of communication and community building that I believe will change the world – focus on what we truly want ( and get rid of Wall Street phantom funds) – you are walking forward and being a beacon…we will follow and help you trust and succeed.
more exercise helps too :)
You keep on keeping on – we are right behind you.
patricia´s last blog ..A Birthday Ritual
And you KNOW that support network includes you.
xo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Another video from my CD release show
Hi Patricia.
You have a huge heart my friend and the world is a better place because you are here. Thank you for your wonderfully supportive comment. And yes, exercise IS good! Does it come in a pill? :-)
Hi Jannie.
Thank you :-) Hugs!
Davina´s last blog ..On the Edge of Being
I am now so happy with walking that I do not think I wish exercise to come in a pill any more! Walking has become a great meditation/prayer time for me and I can hardly wait to go – plus the reward is how much better I feel – energized – all things seem possible.
patricia´s last blog ..A Birthday Ritual
Hi Patricia.
That’s great! You paint the perfect picture of values — thank you for “reframing” this so beautifully. Clearly this is something you value and you are getting even more than exercise from this practice. Can you tell I’m resisting exercise today? :-)
i totally understand how you feel. i want to make some changes in my life, but i don’t “trust” myself and not sure if i would be making the right move. there’s always that doubt, but like you said, something will happen planned or not and the only thing you can do is deal with it.
Natural´s last blog ..I am conductor, hear me cook
Hi Davina — ah, your faith in yourself and in the process feels nice and warm to me. I look forward to finding out where it takes you.
Hi Valerie.
Making change is being bold; taking charge of your life. I always say that it’s easier to make a change ourselves, than to have one forced upon us. Sounds like you’re in the driver’s seat on this? Got your map ready? Have you plotted your destination? What’s packed in your suitcase? :-) Don’t leave home without your sense of humour Valerie. When you run out of gas or your tires go flat, that humour will carry you to the next stage of the journey!
Hi Chris.
Me too! :-) I’ll keep you “posted”.
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