“I don’t want to be coached”
The other day a friend sent me a short email to ask how things were going. I told them I was feeling frustrated by not being able to get to the “juicy” things I had planned for that day. There had been too many distractions. Sometimes that’s just life.
It had been a day that in my mind, I was going to take off. But that clearly was not meant to be. So, I took care of what I had to do but admittedly, with a less than appreciative attitude.
My good-natured friend responded by asking “What WOULD you like to have happen today?” and “What does JUICY look like?”
Some of you might recognize these questions as being life coach typical. Well, I was surprised by my instant distaste at the idea of jumping into the “coaching pond.” I didn’t want to be coached. Me… a life coach!
So, I wrote back:
“Honestly, I’m not open to coaching today but I can meet you for a cup of tea just to connect. I actually feel resentment about the idea of being coached for some reason. Not that I don’t appreciate your genuine interest to offer some guidance. I am well, just ‘journeying’ and want to keep the oven door closed for the time being.”
My friend and I had a wonderful visit and enjoyed spontaneous, free-flowing conversation; just two humans connecting with no agenda other than to connect.
Keeping it real
I was being honest about how I was feeling and damn it felt good. I was not passing judgment on my friend and we both understood where each other was coming from. I didn’t feel the pressure of having to keep my “stuff” tightly capped.
This helped release the judgment I was making on myself about how “This is NEGATIVE and MUST change”. That alone was enough to shift the mood from black to a light shade of grey.
Honesty really is the best policy because we both learned from this. My friend later shared with me how they have a tendency to “rescue” people. I have that tendency too and this was my chance to experience it from another perspective.
Life gets uncomfortable when we suddenly recognize behaviours that aren’t working and ways of thinking that don’t serve us anymore. We know more about what we don’t want. The ego wants to hold on for dear life, but we choose to let go, piece by piece.
“Do not judge yourself when you are dying to ways that no longer fit.”
Devrah Laval
I didn’t want to be the object of conversation. I realized that all I wanted was the permission to be with how I was feeling. I didn’t want to try to fix anything. There was no problem to be solved and no goal to be set. “Why coach the grass to grow?” I wondered.
Coaching is there when I choose to be coached; when I actually want to water the lawn or shape the hedges. The point is, a person can make the choice to do what they want to do with where they are at. Sometimes a person just has to drive through a dark tunnel to get to greener pastures. It’s not good or bad. It’s just living life.
What do you know more about: what you want, or what you don’t want?
What DOES juicy look like to you? :-)
Photo Credit: ff137
Evita
Hilary
Joy
Linda
Megan "JoyGirl!" ...
Patricia
Tess The Bold Life
Tony Single
vered
{ 29 comments }
Hi Davina,
This is an interesting topic. It makes me think of times when I also didn’t want to be coached. To be questioned. To be “helped”. I just wanted to “be”. To feel. To let things happen naturally.
With so much to read on how to better ourselves, I think we can get overloaded with information. Often when I’m reading “self help” books, I will take them a chapter at a time and let the material digest for a day or even a week. I find when I read a complete book, it becomes so overwhelming, I end up comprehending very little.
Juicy to me is my alone time. It’s when I can do what I want, when I want, and don’t have anyone to answer to. Sweet!
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Claiming The Joy Within =-.
Hi Davina,
Sometimes….I just want to say “I didn’t get it right, and that’s okay”. And then not analyze all the why’s. So, I can relate! Except I’d probably choose coffee as my drink of choice…
Juicy to me is deep connections with other people… When I’m there, it really feels like I’m hitting on all cylinders (maybe…I’m “being the truck”…)
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Less Stuff, More Meaning =-.
Hi Davina – I think this post hit on something far deeper than a one-day feeling – as all your posts generally do. There’s this underlying business of always having to be “on” – meaning we’ve got to have an arbitrary level of growth or productivity or objective retrospection or even juicy going. And that if we don’t have that level, then we’re somehow missing the mark. Friar’s beautiful, sarcastic look at the zen in everything is a reminder that we don’t have to. And I think we shouldn’t have to. I think we’re dealing with far too many “shoulds” in today’s life and going on strike from them, as you (somewhat guiltily at first) did frees things up, ironically, to do more. Less constraint! We bind ourselves up in all of our regular patterns. So my juice would be the lack of self-imposed restraint.
Davina,
Bravo for speaking out and insisting on not being helped. Sometimes I too feel smothered by well-meaning family and friends, and have learnt to escape to solitude where nobody, not even I, will try to make me ‘better’. I have also learnt to stop trying to help everyone around me!
Your post reminds me of the Chinese proverb – when the student is ready, the master will appear. Before that, the student won’t recognise nor appreciate the master.
.-= Daphne @ Joyful Days´s last blog ..3 Key Steps If You Want To Be Happy =-.
This post has REALLY made me think today. I love the question you posed at the end. I honestly don’t know what I know more about, but I’m going to spend some time thinking about it. This was a great read. Thanks for sharing it!
.-= Positively Present´s last blog ..happiness and the city =-.
Hi Barbara.
I just love your idea of juicy. Alone time is very juicy to me as well. And what you say about too much information is right on. Sometimes it can become a crutch when we get caught up in “collecting” more; we forget about how much we already know.
Hi Lance.
Don’t know why I said tea… coffee is my choice too. Tea just sounded better I guess; different, cause everybody always says “let’s get together for coffee” hmmm. “You’re being the truck.” Where have you just been? :-) It is okay to not get it right all the time; that sure takes a lot of pressure off.
Hi Friar.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s accident. I just found her guest post on your blog and read her story. I’m glad she is doing better, but what a shame that her summer plans have been put on hold. I wish her a speedy recovery.
I hear what you’re saying. There are a lot of different layers to process when these things happen. And it’s not like you had a blueprint for this either! You were doing what you wanted to do about it already. More would have been like pushing yourself over a cliff.
As for the dedication: You’re welcome. It was my pleasure.
Hi Betsy.
“There’s this underlying business of always having to be “on” – meaning we’ve got to have an arbitrary level of growth or productivity or objective retrospection or even juicy going.” Betsy, this is sooo YEAH! It’s like we’re trying to be perfect and nothing is ever good enough. The lack of self-imposed restraint is good juice :-)
Hi Daphne.
Thanks for reminding me of this proverb. It illustrates your point so well. I am appreciative of this friend because they heard what I was asking and honoured that. That’s a good learning to not to try to help everyone around you… it can become a habit rather than a genuine outreach.
Hi Dani.
Don’t THINK too hard! Wait… no, if that’s what you want to do, then do it and have a great time doing it! :-)
Davina,
Yeah for you and stating your needs and not taking unwanted help.
I love what Daphne has to say about not being ready and not recognizing or appreciating the master. I don’t think it’s because the student isn’t ready. I think the student just needs a break!
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Out-of-The-Box Blogging Bold =-.
Hi Davina
Good for you, speaking your mind in a non confrontational way. It’s obvious you spoke from the heart and that your friend understood this.
I tink I know both sides of the coin as they go hand in hand. When I know waht I don’t want I therefore know what I do want and vice versa, but it was a good thinking exercise.
My ‘Juicy’ is too juicy to say here :)
.-= Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Re-Evaluating your values =-.
Ya know, Davina, besides my daily juicy of wearing these…
http://pretendingalong.smorgasblog.com/archives/juicy.JPG
hah!
I think I’ve already reached my juicy… My dream was to record 12 songs, have a CD release party and gig some in a little trio. All that has come true.
Yet, I strive for more.
Why?
Because I’m human?
I did jump up form the computer a while ago and do a five minute dance followed by 20 buttock lifts on each side. And I think I’ll jump up now and do exactly that again. – that’s my juicy for the moment!
Here I go!
xo
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Lazy River Sunday (Formerly Titled “Frisky Jim at the Water Park”) =-.
The blogosphere is filled with rainbow unicorns and ice cream castles. I tend to be on the cynical side. Thank you for helping me stop feeling guilty about it.
.-= Vered – Blogger for Hire´s last blog ..Staycation =-.
Davina,
I think sometimes the best learning is done when we sit quietly with ourselves and let things settle. It’s good that you said NO to the coaching. It isn’t easy to do that when you are a life coach. I also appreciate that your friend let you sit quietly with yourself.
You have a wise woman inside you and I believe she will take you to those greener pastures:~)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Writing Assignment: Tree Story =-.
Hi Davina,
Another thought provoking one – thank you! Like you, I have friends who are coaches, but we have a code. If we need or want coaching, proper coaching, we email or phone and ask for it. Our default is “Don’t you dare try to coach me wihout permission!”
For me, life coaching is demand based, and can only be done with permission. None of what I do online is life coaching, even though I may share what’s worked for me and others or toss out questions for folk to explore; none of the conversations I have with my friends constitutes life coaching. For coaching to work and be proper, professional coaching, it needs to be asked for and interactive. Anything else is just unsolicited advice or questioning. How we welcome those two depends on our respective roles and relationships.
I so admire your integrity in saying what you did. I have only one coaching friend who used to try and ask me ‘coaching-type questions’ by email without permission, but she stopped after I did what you did.
I was so sad to read Friar’s comment. I’d never have said what his coach friend did straight after his mum’s injury. As you know, Davina, one of the hardest coaching skills of all when you’re physically with a person, or on the phone with them, is well-timed silence, and one of the best questions ever is “What do you need from me right now?”
.-= janice´s last blog ..The Meaning of Mistakes: A Guest Post by My Teenage Daughter =-.
Hi Tess.
I agree. We have to make the choice and make up our own minds. We say “when”. Learning is always happening. BTW, I just received your package in the mail today: The DVD and the book “Attitude is Everything for Success.” Thank you!
Hi Steven.
A good friend is a great friend when they can see you without their agenda being the main concern — when your agenda is more important than theirs.
That’s great insight about the know what you do and don’t want. I’ve found that for every Do Want, there can come a number of Don’t Wants if we’re too fearful of getting what we do want. I believe that “juicy” feeling around what we Do Want can run circles around what we Don’t Want. Oh, come on… I’m curious now about what is “juicy” for you. :-)
Hi Jannie.
Nice butt! Juicy butt! :-) Your energy is juicy lady. I hope you do come to Vancouver. It would be great to meet you.
Hi Vered.
You’re a free woman now. :-)
Hi Sara.
You know, I’ve been told that when working with a coach, the best learning and growth comes between sessions; during those times when you are with yourself, whether in action or in contemplation.
What’s great about this whole situation is there was nothing personal; no judgment. Just acceptance. That acceptance of things as they are is unbelievably freeing. Makes you want to see what else you can accept and so on, and so on.
The thing is, even if my friend had encouraged the coaching and I complied, there would have been learning in that too.
My wise woman says thank you for noticing her :-)
Hi Janice.
You make some excellent points. We really have to be conscious all the time about what we’re doing and saying. I understand that as a life coach, questions like these can come as second nature; I’ve done it myself and probably will do it again without realizing. We “train” each other about what we want, and if nobody speaks up the truth is lost, or filtered. As you say, asking permission by saying, “What do you need from me right now.” is great. It feels very compassionate to me.
Hi Davina, This is such a great post. I love this: “I realized that all I wanted was the permission to be with how I was feeling. I didn’t want to try to fix anything. There was no problem to be solved and no goal to be set. ‘Why coach the grass to grow?’ I wondered.” Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to just “be”–and we have to know that this feeling will pass, whether it’s exuberance or frustration. It’s a challenge to do this when we are with a good friend. It’s a challenge to do this when we are by ourselves. But sometimes it’s so worth it to just leave ourselves alone and let the day wash over us. A good night’s sleep usually makes it all better, anyway! Great site! I will be back!
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Live the Dream Now =-.
i’m not sure what a life coach is or if one could even help me. a life coach i guess would ask me questions that i would or should ask myself. it’s better to be honest and just say what you do or don’t want.
.-= Natural´s last blog ..Why I Miss The Rotary Phone =-.
Davina, this post reminds adults the wisdom they learn from children. Adults often hide how they feel, deny it to themselves and others whereas children are by nature, more candid and direct with how they feel. They are also more innocent loving because they have not yet been taught the concpet of judgment. Adults come full circle. They learn to decondtional the judgment and grow more honest with themselves. There is a lot of hidden meaning and truth tthe idea ‘from cradle back to cradle.’
.-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..Reframe remote influencing power =-.
What a powerful line, “all I wanted was the permission to be with how I was feeling”
The permission to be with how you are feeling is an art form in and of itself. Everything we do in life doesn’t HAVE be goal oriented.
It’s something I’m just now learning to do.
I also love the line “coaching the grass to grow”. PRICELESS!!!
.-= Kathy | Virtual Impax´s last blog ..It’s Your Reputation at Stake =-.
I sometimes have that hidden, I don’t know if resentment is the best word but we’ll use that for now, when someone tells me something I already know and they’re making it like they’re teaching me something.
I don’t want to sound like a know-it-all and be like, “Yeah buddy, I’ve known that for years.” But then again, sometimes I say things and I don’t always do them….so….
Hi Jodi.
Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed this. It’s amazing what comes up for us when dealing with other people… and ourselves. Being clear on what we REALLY want is important. Choosing to be coached or not was a decision to be made and neither was wrong. You’re right, it is a challenge sometimes to be honest with one another (and not make it personal), but it is so freeing when we are.
Hi Natural.
Honesty is definitely the best policy, as they say. It’s difficult to describe what a life coach is because the process is unique to every client/coach relationship, and it evolves over time. But, here is my off-the-cuff description from my current perspective:
A life coach is a co-active partner you work with to be clear about what you want AND don’t want. If you have a goal and keep missing it I will light a fire under your butt or you’ll simply come to realize it wasn’t what you wanted. With that realization you come closer to knowing what you DO want. Life coaches see past your BS (that stuff we fool ourselves with all the time).
Hi Liara.
“From cradle back to cradle”; you’ve reminded my how they say when we grow older we enter “our second childhood”. Children are SO candid and energetic. I bet that’s why they have so much energy. Nothing to do with age, it’s just that they aren’t using all their energy to control and judge.
Hi Kathy.
The game of life eh? :-) Will we EVER know THE answers? You, I believe are very goal-oriented. How are you enjoying this new philosophy?
Yes that “coach the grass to grow” line just dropped in out of nowhere. The surprises that writing bring never cease to amaze me.
Hi John.
Lol, I know what you mean. Has this happened to you before? You offer advice or tell someone something interesting, and weeks later they come back to you to tell you the same thing as if it’s the best thing they ever heard? Quite a blow to the old ego :~)
.-= Davina´s last blog ..There’s Life Coaching & Then There’s Just Life =-.
Shoot — I totally thought I commented on this. What’s wrong with my head??? Oh, it may have gone into moderation because of my link to those “Juicy” pants, you know the ones with the writing on the derriere.
“Sometimes a person just has to drive through a dark tunnel to get to greener pastures.” That is so true.
I think as long as we go with the flow and just breathe, things will be okay, thre are too many assumptions and feelings of we HAVE to do things, that we just need to let those go and focus on being the creatures of light we were made to be, as you and your friend experienced in the “non-coaching” cup of tea way.
What’s juicy to me are trees today, I think “ll go give mine a big hug now.
xo
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Lazy River Sunday (Formerly Titled “Frisky Jim at the Water Park”) =-.
Hi Jannie.
This is strange… you aren’t losing your mind. You did comment earlier but your avatar is not showing up as that familiar eye. I remembered commenting on the juicy butt :-)
“Going with the flow and just breathing”; geez it sounds so simple too. And as for trees… I’m with you. Speaking of loving trees, I see you’ve checked out Sara’s post entitled Family of Trees http://sarahealy.com/index.php/2009/07/30/writing-assignment-tree-story
hello,
i just read your blog and wow, this ‘i don’t need a rescuer’ blog relates to me:
i used to want to rescue everyone (my role was the angel type), now i don’t so much anymore, i believe i learned my lesson because nobody wants to be ‘fixed’ …and really i ended up running out of energy myself trying to hold everyone else up.. which was an illusion! :)
i know that when I went through some real tough times lately, I just wanted solitude or an accurate mature listener (mirror) to receive the love, fun, or nurturance I needed. I’m learning to listen more and its rewarding.. .. tough but necessary! :) i had to experience both perspectives also! :) to get it! i love the quote you shared also.. lately i am getting frustrated because i am seeing patterns i no longer want on me, and am trying to flick them, shake them off me .. lol. when we recognize parts of ourselves that is no longer serving, its horrifying! really, i’m that bad??!! yikes, run from reality! :) but then we let it go ‘piece by piece’ because we added it piece by piece into our lives. i wish sometimes the process wasn’t so slow … during these times of shedding the old for the new :) thanks for sharing! this was great–just what i needed! sincerely, Jen Z
———————————
the part i really enjoyed! :)
“Honesty really is the best policy because we both learned from this. My friend later shared with me how they have a tendency to “rescue” people. I have that tendency too and this was my chance to experience it from another perspective.—————>
Life gets uncomfortable when we suddenly recognize behaviours that aren’t working and ways of thinking that don’t serve us anymore. We know more about what we don’t want. The ego wants to hold on for dear life, but we choose to let go, piece by piece.
“Do not judge yourself when you are dying to ways that no longer fit.”
Devrah Laval
The point is, a person can make the choice to do what they want to do with where they are at. Sometimes a person just has to drive through a dark tunnel to get to greener pastures. It’s not good or bad. It’s just living life.”
.-= Jen Zuniga´s last blog ..Love wears BIG shoes, that we’ll learn to grow into! :) =-.
Hi Jen.
Thanks for visiting and sharing your enthusiasm. I’m thrilled that you have found this so useful.
“When we recognize parts of ourselves that is no longer serving, its horrifying! really, I’m that bad?” I understand what you mean. By recognizing IT, you are actually coming to see that it is NOT part of you after all. You are separating from it and can SEE it through that process. Wave good-bye to IT :-) That’s the message I get about this.
hi Davina,
i’m realizing more and more we don’t need a coach, we just need to learn to ‘listen’ to the innermost part of ourselves-the real us.. the hardest part.
It’s easier to say ‘i’m waiting for my coach or i don’t need a coach’ rather than admit ‘we are our own coach whether we like it or not’.. :)
you know i had a shake-up dream last night that made me realize just how powerful we are as spiritual beings on this earth and how if we truly knew that we had the power to change our lives in the ‘now’ just by ‘believing’ what that would mean. in these events, we almost have ‘turn off the possibility’ to ‘really understand what this means’ for its just so real and scary! Really, its not about ‘is it possible for us to change’ but ‘are we ready to completely let go and then authorize our own lives’ and step out into this unmistakable, unbelievable territory that requires of us everything and yet nothing .. the best gift of all- unmerited favor. i’m still like hmm.. i need to be careful what i request for,.. wishes do eventually become manifestations and our realities. I think i’d rather put my investments on the preparation portion, so that i’m ready to receive it. most often, it’s already on its way!
I am reminded of Marianne Williamson who quotes:
““Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
—-from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Love wears BIG shoes, that we’ll learn to grow into! :) =-.
one more note, when i say we don’t ‘need’ a coach, i want to reaffirm that I believe what we do need is accurate mirrors, and the intuitive respectable coaches who are not ‘fixing’ others can be this for others; and it is essential for the process. so, that is why i loved your last blog, because i can see you understand the fine boundaries and in this way, helping others is an art! :) so thank you! :)
Hi Jen.
You’re welcome. “…are we ready to completely let go and then authorize our own lives’ and step out into this unmistakable, unbelievable territory that requires of us everything and yet nothing…” This is where the life coach enters and says “YES! Get, ready, get set… go!” You stop asking and doubting and just Go For It!
Hi Davina,
Betsy is right — this struck deep. I’ve been thinking about it for days now. I tend to be the coach too much and realized although I’m wired that way on so many levels, I don’t need to bring it up so much for me or for others. Thank you.
.-= Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..21 self defense questions you (and your teenagers) may want to think about =-.
Hi Lori.
You’re welcome. I hear you — some of us are more sensitive to those around us and it just comes naturally to want to help.
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