And I don’t know why
I’m sitting here in a quandary at the keyboard tonight — a writer who feels like she “should” have a message to write on her blog. A writer who loves to write but who feels disconnected from what she has known to be writing. Something has changed.
The joy of writing has become lost to routine, boxed and buried in expectation — mine. I feel robbed. Frustrated. Angry. Empty. Uninspired. And I don’t know why. All I know is this is where I have landed. And I don’t like it! But I can’t deny it either.
Resisting this is futile. I consider writing a how-to post or a list post, or a link post, or, or, or… even a poem, yet nothing sticks. Picture a rat in a maze. Each road I take leads nowhere and I’m unable to find the way out. Even stranger? I don’t want to find the way out. And I don’t know why. And there are tears about not knowing why because I “should” know why.
There is a sinking feeling inside and I feel powerless to change it. I listen to the whirring of my computer and the sound of my fingers tapping the keyboard. I feel mechanical, myself. Tap, tap, tap… space… return. Return… return to where?
I imagine looking down at my feet, willing them to move forward. I can’t take a step. Not even one. I don’t want to leave who I thought I was any farther behind. But I don’t remember who that was anymore. I try.
Shift happens
I can’t pretend everything is as it was, because it isn’t. The toughest part about change is allowing it and accepting it. It is impossible not to change. The minutes pass. The days, the weeks and the years. The sun rises and sets. We change like the seasons and whether we notice it or not, life impacts us.
Obviously we see changes in the mirror. And we can look back over the years and see how we have changed; our interests, perspectives, choice of profession, friends, hobbies, etc.
In this case, I’m referring to the unseen changes — those mysterious passions that sweep in and carry us off to new adventures, different choices and different ways of being… without trying. In simpler terms, you wake up one day and suddenly you like the taste of spinach! And you don’t know why.
We wake up to new ways of being without trying. It just happens. This can emerge over a period of years. Sometimes it can sneak up on us rather suddenly.
What I’ve realized now (while writing this post) is that this new way of being not about losing or leaving a part of ourselves behind at all. It is about bringing more of us forward and the discomfort is from the uncertainty as to how to be with what is new, and how others will be with what is new.
The discomfort also comes from trying to be who or what we think other people want us to be, so they won’t abandon us. In all reality, stuffing yourself into that same old box year after year is abandoning yourself. That thought gives me a sinking feeling.
Photo credit: Free Wine
Evita
Hilary
Joy
Linda
Megan "JoyGirl!" ...
Patricia
Tess The Bold Life
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vered
{ 29 comments }
I feel for you, Davina, because I’ve been there several times. In fact, I was struggling mightily as summer approached. Knowing what else was coming helped me decide to take a “summer blogging vacation.” The added pressure of another “should” was just too much. And you know what? When I do write, again, it’ll be at the right time.
The only answer I have is as Friar said, go with the flow. Forget the “rules.” Who made them, anyway? And for what purpose? Don’t feel you have to write. Don’t feel you need to give it up. Don’t feel your writing should take a particular tone or form. Anything that smacks of “have to” and “should” just is another bit of pressure. You’ve so much on your plate, right now… When one thing is cleared off, there’ll be room for another. Who knows what you’d like to taste then? There’s no telling. There can be great excitement in that! You might enjoy tasting your familiar writing, again, or even enjoy the flavor of a new style, for your writing and your blog. You might enjoy the taste of something altogether different, a brand new passion to follow. One thing’s certain, you can’t taste much of anything if you’re overstuffed. :)
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Honor Redux, with a Twist =-.
I guess life is about evolving and moving on to new interests. I have been intensely interested in various things –Karen might call it obsessed — over the years only to leave them behind for new things. In a couple of them, people that I corresponded with online or who read my posts to mailing lists or blogs may wonder what happened to me, just as I wonder — briefly — what has happened to some of the bloggers that I used to read and how they are doing.
I guess that’s part of the reason I don’t want Exit78 to be to tightly focused in a particular niche. I write or comment on what I happen to feel like — or just post pictures.
Life goes on.
And I agree with Friar’s last paragraph.
“Go with the flow.”
.-= Mike Goad´s last blog ..Traveling to Rocky Mountain National Park =-.
Hi Davina – I’m jumping on the go with it bandwagon, too! There is nothing worse than staring at a blank sheet of paper or screen and willing something to come forth. It won’t. And it says, “You can’t make me!” :)
Now, Davina dear, you’ve done some of your best work EVER these past few weeks. You’ve decreased the frequency of your writing, yet more awesomeness has come forth than ever. Coinkydink? I think not!
I think you are just fixin’ to write something that will knock us flat. Your system is ruminating and will erupt into sheer outstanding-ness. When it’s time.
I am glad you are listening to yourself. Just stop, as you sense you should. Resume when it’s right. If you were here I’d invite you to pull weeds in my garden with me today. I have no doubt you’ll be back with something that will blow our doors off. xoxo
Hi Davina
You know what? I’ve been decreasing the frequency of my posts too, and I’ve never got so many visits and praises -even if on twitter-. Perhaps we need to ease the pedal from time to time.
Hi Davina,
You write: “bringing more of us forward and the discomfort is from the uncertainty” and “trying to be who or what we think other people want us to be.” These are tough places to exist, and they result in sapped (or zapped) writing creativity.
The transition from my first blog to my current one included living several months in a writer’s wasteland as my inner life tried to heal past the issues holding me back. It must be the nature of writing a personal growth blog — where we end up knowing and not doing — and then wondering about our lost zeal. We know the world is how we see it and how we make it, but the “shoulds” consume us. The unresolved battle leaves us worn. You write about this beautifully. I found myself saying, “Wow, she captured those times perfectly.”
Davina, your motivation might be in flux, but the heart, soul, and value of your words still move people. And when you move past all this moment, as we know you will, know that we will all still be here. Hey, you can’t get rid of us that easily!
.-= Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Why the new ‘Surviving Disaster’ TV series can save your life =-.
Davina, I wrote earlier this summer about times when you feel like a stranger on your own blog. It’s a weird feeling. I went through that earlier this year – I couldn’t make sense of all the positive feedback I was getting, just felt like saying ‘here, take the keys, you can have it and play with it, I’m out of here’.
I didn’t, tried to go with the feeling, give myself a bit of space, and then remembered that it was *my* blog, and I would write what I wanted to say even if it was different to what you wonderful readers expect, and even if there were no readers left, not even one.
And suddenly, it felt like home again.
Hope the sinking feeling has turned into a dawn again for you my friend
Joanna
x
.-= Joanna Young´s last blog ..Paying Attention to Possibility =-.
I agree with Friar – nothing is set in stone and you owe no one nothing.
I tend to write my best blog posts when I WANT to write my opinion on something. Many of the other posts are there because a blog is “supposed” to be updated. That material is not as good.
I’ve read a lot of posts like this one recently… people seem to get frustrated or pressured by blogging. While I love reading your posts and think you have great talent as a blogger, don’t forget that it should be something you like to do, not something you have to do. If it’s not bringing you happiness and joy, don’t do it anymore. Or take a break for a while and see if you miss it.
.-= Positively Present´s last blog ..slippery slopes are not reserved for negativity =-.
Hi Davina – like the way you write a post about not being able to write! :)
I lost my blogging mojo at about Easter this year – you describe my experience exactly. I kept thinking of things I could write about, but had no interest in writing them. For 3 months I only did one post a month – and I found myself grieving for my blog! It didn’t feel right to desert it. Eventually I decided to spend some time helping other networkers, instead of doing nothing – and this lead to my current resurgence of interest! All sounds very altruistic (which I’m not really, particularly) – but it’s true. – R x
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Janni Lloyd, An Aussie Immortalist =-.
Davina,
Thanks for walking us through your despair and resurgence of… hope? I’ve hardly sat in front of my keyboard not knowing what to write, simply because when I don’t feel like writing, I don’t even sit at the computer! That’s probably even worse, yet I’ve made me peace with my blog a while ago. I write when I have something to say.
Recently I’ve kept away from blogging because there’s stuff inside myself I haven’t resolved, and until I do, I don’t even want to write. So yes, we all go through ups and downs, but you are courageous enough to share the downs with us. Thank you.
.-= Daphne @ Joyful Days´s last blog ..My Baby Turns One =-.
Okay… see, you guys, THIS is why I don’t want to give up blogging, dammit! :-)
Friar.
I think I’m fighting the flow, cause I’ve enjoyed blogging and I don’t want to let go of that. Like you said, it’s something I couldn’t possibly imagine life without. But who’s to say that if I stopped, that there isn’t something even better waiting round the next corner?
I’ve seen your painting. Those pix of water colours you posted on your blog last year were AH-mazing. And you play the guitar too? Be still my heart :-)
Hi Julie.
Thanks Hon :-) Forgot the “rules”. Oh yeah, who made them up anyway? Me – doh! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about not being able to taste anything if you’re overstuffed. Too much personal development… and I’m “blinded by the light”. Can’t see where I’m goin’ it seems. I’ve enjoyed seeing you on Twitter during your blogging break and KNOW I’ll see more of YOUR writing one of these days (no pressure, understand — all in due time). You have a gift girl.
Hi Mike.
You’re a free spirit… an obsessed free spirit that is :-) Obsessed is your niche??? You “just” post photographs! Just? Just? Brilliant photographs I have to say.
Hi Betsy.
Ah, you’re a sweetheart. Thank you. And you know… pulling weeds in your garden would have been TERRIFIC! I so miss doing that from the old farm days. Some mornings I couldn’t wait for the dew to lift. Imagine how dirty those little chubby fingers got :-) Well I’m very jealous that you have a garden WITH weeds, you lucky woman you. Enjoy!
Hi Miguel.
Well that’s interesting isn’t it? And yah, who says we must always travel at the same speed. I like your analogy of easing the pedal from time to time.
Hi Lori.
Thank you :-) I remember when you took a break last year, and now you’re back and “thinking like a black belt”. I was glad to see you come back.
And I agree — “we end up knowing and not doing”. I think all this self-help hype is just full of idealisms and trophies that say what? Nothing if we don’t apply what we’ve “learned” or read. Those “shoulds” are nasty and they sure can sneak up on us.
Hi Joanna.
Well said. Taking ownership of YOU and your blog and making it your own made it home again.
You’ve reminded me of something a friend told me quite recently. “You have to be willing to write something you think people might not read.” Oh, the inner critic loves that! :-) Your recent group writer’s project was a good exercise for encouraging people to step out of their comfort zone.
Hi Vered.
You said “supposed” to — ew :-) Unfortunately, that IS the nature of a blog. Especially if it is monetized and is a business venture. Just the same as we are “supposed” to go to work everyday to earn a living, a blog is supposed to be updated. I’m wondering now… in those cases when you say some of the material is not as good; that is your opinion and yet, your reader’s don’t notice anything different. At least I haven’t. Hmmm.
“Supposed to” and art don’t mix, and the true art is the spontaneity of the message and those posts where as you say, you want to express your opinion.
Hi Dani.
Thank you. It’s not that blogging itself is not bringing me joy. It’s more like what I thought I wanted to write about, doesn’t feel as important anymore and I’m perplexed. The menu has changed… and I didn’t get the memo :-) But a break is definitely coming.
Hi Robin.
I’m still smiling about your last tweet to me. I laughed out loud. :-) I agree, there is a grieving process, a letting go, if you will. I like your approach, you came at it sideways and kept moving forward… wetting your appetite in a different way. Sounds like an appetizer to me. Cool.
Hi Daphne.
Instead of thinking of this as a “down” I’m thinking of it as a period of rest and reflection (though at the moment it’s less than comfortable because it’s almost like a choice has been made for me and not by me, and I have to go with it) — sounds weird, I know.
Sounds like you are doing the same? It’s like you’ve reached a plateau and it’s time to rest before you hit that next summit. Discarding some of that unresolved “stuff” will make the rest of the trip a lot lighter :-) You’ll see.
Davina!
I love how you are not trying to fix or solve the “problem” and in that you create the space to show us how this is not a problem, it is just a place you have landed. I say hang out and see what comes next. Being with the awkward emptiness is exactly what our creativity yearns for in order to notice what is really catching our attention. Thanks for being so open and honest about what is going on for you.
Hi Karin, you fabulous life coach you! :-)
Thanks for stopping by my little ol blog to leave a comment… and for holding me accountable to writing THIS post. It’s funny you mention it… I don’t think this CAN be fixed… cause it’s not wrong. How odd that feels to say :-)
Stop writing for a while Davina and look inside your heart. There must be something wrong with what you’re writing that makes you unhappy. I have felt this kind of problem too. And what I did is to focus on myself and find the objective of what I’m doing. Slowly I have gained insight. :-)
.-= Walter´s last blog ..How to catch a reader’s attention =-.
It’s as if we shared a brain wave on this one… I’ve started five posts (including a guest post for someone) and can’t seem to finish any. I love writing, as well, but sometimes I just can’t move off a dime where it’s concerned. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the change you described. In a sense, I’m happy not to be who I was in my many past lives — I outgrew that person and personality. I enjoy who I am and where I am, but there are days when uncertainty gets the best of me and I go back to old ways of coping.
I appreciate knowing I’m never alone, and I’d like to thank you for reassuring me of that today.
~ Joy & love to you ~
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Resentment Is Ridiculous =-.
Davina,
Just when I give myself permission to quit I get my best stuff. Sometimes I get ideas from reading inspiring comments.
Be gentle on yourself…go with the flow…create your own pace and keep bringing your best foot forward.
Hello Davina. When I think of boxes, cardboard comes to mind, and a cardboard box should not be so difficult a thing from which to escape…but it is. I am with you in the same kind of box, and I have been for a while now.
I never did learn how to pace myself, so I tend to burn myself right out with whatever I’m doing at a given time. Hence, I truly must learn that.
For now, I write shorter posts less often. It is the only bridge I know how to build that might fill the gap between the last large bursts of inspiration and the ones yet to come.
My best wishes…
Karen
.-= Karen Chaffee´s last blog ..Love — Sunday Food For Thought =-.
Hi Walter.
Thanks for the advice. I’m glad you found your way through your experience and gained insight for yourself. Self-reflection is a good tool. The trick is to not self-reflect too much :-)
Hi Megan.
You’re welcome. It’s neat when you can look back and see how much you’ve changed… and to be content with those changes. I’ll share some of that appreciative brain wave with you. :-)
Hi Tess.
Thank you. There is something to be said for giving yourself permission. Kind of a reverse psychology thingy. I like the idea of keeping your own pace. It’s easy to get caught up in the flow of what everybody ELSE is doing, when it’s not necessarily what we all “should” be doing. Damn, there’s that word again.
Hi Karen.
You are right. A cardboard box shouldn’t be so difficult to escape. That makes me think that we just don’t want to escape. There is something “safe” about hiding in the familiarity of what we think we know. I know exactly what you mean about having to pace yourself. It sure takes restraint. Imagine… if you ar a chocolate-lover… opening a box of chocolates and ONLY eating one! I think I’ll change my cardboard box to a box of chocolates. :-)
You know Davina I’ve been thinking about the wonderful title of your blog – Shades of Crimson. Seems to me you’ve already given yourself permission to explore and experiment with lots of different shades within that one burst of colour. You can always change the strapline if that’s the bit that’s hemming you in…
Hope you’re enjoying the long weekend. I’m certainly enjoying learning from this conversation :-)
.-= Joanna Young´s last blog ..Paying Attention to Possibility =-.
I am going through adventures of a different kind but it is also leading me to contemplate of whether to stop blogging altogether in the last 2 days. Thanks for always staying truthful to how you really feel and being so public about it. Wishing you all the best!
.-= Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..Oracle Card Reading For Divine Guidance =-.
Strange how blogging actually helped me with this.
First, I wrote to “please” my readers and after a while felt stifled. Then I got angry at myself. Then I got angry at everybody else. Then I realized how silly it all was. I read my favourite blogs because I like the blogger. And if she/he changed her/his blogging style – well that was fine with me. So why couldn’t I do the same??
After much soul-searching, I figured out I’d just have to be Me. And if my readers gave up my blog, well, so be it. I changed my blog name. I changed my focus. I’ve done so much changing through blogging – and it’s all been good.
I’ll have to agree with the others: rules? who made them and what for. BWO (blogging without obligation). So there!
I enjoyed this post – and the comments. Came here from Megans and Lance’s blogs.
.-= wendy´s last blog ..Painting the Deck =-.
Hi Davina – Even when you struggle with what to write, you still write something awesome. You should write whatever you want to write – but as you say, it’s difficult sometimes.
Also, re – blogging, as you say, it would be tough to give it up, because of the way it connects you with others. I haven’t blogged much this year and I feel so out of the loop.
.-= Cath Lawson´s last blog ..Is Your Name Letting You Down? =-.
Davina,
I hear you and can feel that feeling so well. I do not wish to do all the watering of the yard today – promised sunshine and big heat – nor mow the grass – and I love the flowers and colors of the blooms and …and
juicing apples is waiting, and pie pumpkins are harvested and waiting for my hands to comply with winter’s need and…and
100 women are coming to my house next week to help young women get scholarships to college or do graduate work – Global visitors….I must clean as I do not wish to make folks feel unwelcome or unsafe. One woman will be staying over night 2 nights and I must feed her breakfast – I am fasting…
On Monday the Solar Construction group will be testing, draining, and refilling tanks for hot water – with hoses through a bedroom window – they are very tidy but it is water and feet track mud….4 men will be climbing the roof and using the bathrooms and …and
My blog has dropped huge numbers and the advertiser I was working on is not interested….
I can not hire a lawyer to protest the dropping of my health insurance nor can I pay the $1400 a month premium…
I so wanted to stay on the flow of touring the UK and celebrating my birthday….but life runs through it….change is calling you without definition … it will get filled up because you are alive and moving/ acting upon the change…
I trust you will not miss a minute of it….but grab hold and ….and
change
Good Journey
.-= patricia´s last blog ..I Have Been There =-.
Hi Joanna.
I really appreciate your support here. You are right, that name does give me free reign doesn’t it? Funny you should mention the strap line… I changed it a few weeks ago. Maybe personal development is not the cup I’m to fill. The journey of emergence is sometimes longer than we’d like it to be. ;-)
Hi Wendy.
Thanks for your comment AND for your gumption. I like your style! It’s neat how we can look back on our perspectives and notice how they’ve changed and to feel fueled by those changes. I get that you are a firey one… :-)
Hi Cath.
It’s GREAT to see you here! I’ve missed you. And thanks for your compliment… it means a lot. Blogging is more of a challenge than I’d anticipated; the challenge is fitting it into your life as opposed to trying to fit your life into blogging. Thanks for your email BTW. Will be replying shortly.
Hi Patricia.
You’re a sweetheart — thank you.
But what? 100 women are coming to your house! OMG! If I lived closer I would feel compelled to help you get ready for your guests. I’d rather clean someone else’s house than my own apt. I would clean and you could be freed up to juice the apples and make the pumpkin pies… providing they are gluten-free and I could eat some :-)
I’m seeing this blogging thing take a “pause” — not just for me personally, but for others too. It must be a cycle???
What are you going to do re your health insurance? I hope this works out because it seems you’ve been making real progress with your health.
Hi Evelyn.
Your comment went into the Spam folder for some strange reason. I know you’ll make the “right” decision for yourself regarding blogging. You have a lot of trust in allowing your process to unfold.
Thanks, Davina; I enjoyed this. Lori read my latest post and sent me over.
I think one thing that makes it harder for me and for a lot of coaches I know, is a wee voice we have in our heads saying – despite all of our instincts, training and common sense – that we ’should’ be able to do for ourselves what we do for others, even though we know full well the benefits of being coached and the uselessness and danger of shoulding all over ourselves.
I wish you all kinds of inspiration and peace, happiness in the details and the strength to do whatever you decide needs to be done – if anything. Whatever you choose to write about, you always do a fine job. The time between posts doesn’t worry me.
.-= janice´s last blog ..The House of the Thousand Horrormoans =-.
I like what Vered said. I know from my own experience when I post because I feel I “should” rather than when something has inspired me to write, the post usually does not work well, and I know it.
Funny how we ALL struggle sometimes with thoughts of worrying what to write, or worrying if we will ever write anything good again. But those are usually the times sour writing wells are re-filling, whether we know it or not.
And as Robin said up there, you wrote a great post about not writing one. That last paragraph about stuffing yourself into the same box year after year was pretty darn un box-like writing.
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..The Unbreakable Child: Book Review =-.
OUR writing wells! Not SOUR writing wells.
ha ha, you just gave me a good typo unintentionally.
THANKS!!
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..The Unbreakable Child: Book Review =-.
Thanks Janice.
You are SO right! Seems the more we know too, the easier it is for the “shoulds” to creep in. That’s what I love about coaching — having that sounding board is important when you’re in your “stuff” and can’t see beyond it.
HI Jannie.
Sour writing wells! Ha, ha that’s a really good one. You’re a natural at these :-)
I think this happens during a period of growth (that just popped into my mind) — similar to the frustration of a child who is trying to do something (such as learn to walk or draw) and they can’t quite get it yet. It’s just not developed yet, but so frustrating because you know you can do it, but just not yet. I’m rambling a bit, but I think that makes sense.
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