Too Bad About the Harley Guy
After writing “It’s Midnight & I’m Still Single”, I received a lot of suggestions from people to try online dating. I’d heard lots of good stories, but the idea had never appealed to me.
However, five weeks ago, on Valentine’s Day of all days, I decided to set up a profile on an online dating site. During week one I received about 10 new profiles in my inbox every morning. It took a lot of time to read through their profiles and decide if I was interested enough to initiate a connection.
I was pretty hopeful that out of all of these I was bound to connect with a few. But it was hard to ignore the fact that I was attracted to maybe one out of… oh… actually none of them!
Okay, one… he drives a Harley and lives in Washington. He is that rugged, well-built, hearty type that I go for. And oh, there was that magical glint in his eye and a playfulness in his written profile. I smiled inside and out when I looked at his picture.
But, since I don’t have a passport or a car and I hate driving, I figured he was not the best choice. I sent him a short note to say hi and that his profile had put a smile on my face. He never responded. Arse!
I contacted about eight guys to say hi or to ask if they’d like to chat. Their photos were okay and their profiles interesting. Not one replied.
What’s interesting is that out of these more than 100 matches by now, less than 10 have viewed my profile. That means they didn’t even open their email notification to read about the match. Which leads me to believe that I’m being matched with guys who are already dating, but whose contract hasn’t run out.
One day, I did receive a notification that one of my matches wanted to communicate.
Hot Dancer
After a series of questions and emails we decided to connect outside of the dating site. However, he was going to Ottawa on business and our call would have to wait a week. He assured me that if I didn’t hear from him it wasn’t because he wasn’t interested. I didn’t need assurance and thought that was an odd thing for him to say.
During the Olympics he emailed me through the dating site’s system when the men’s hockey team won Gold — he knew I was watching. When he returned home from his business trip he sent me his home phone number, his home email and his work email. He seemed determined that I had a lot of ways to connect.
I emailed him a couple of days later after setting up a separate email account, to suggest a phone date. His return email surprised me — his user name was “hot dancer”. Kinda creeped me out. I just shook my head — suddenly I was not so sure about this. Then again, dancing WAS one of his passions. I decided to see how our phone call went.
We chatted for an hour — a miracle, considering the fact that I’m not a chatty person. Geez, I didn’t think I had it in me. I couldn’t deny we had a lot to talk about. There was a good connection.
We ended the call agreeing that we had enjoyed our conversation and would be in touch in a few days to set up a coffee date. This was on a Sunday. By the following Saturday I’d heard nothing so I emailed him.
He was taking Monday off and we thought we might connect then. Sunday and Monday passed with no reply. On Tuesday I emailed him again to see if he had changed his mind or perhaps didn’t get the email. Three more days passed and still there was no email.
Considering how attentive he’d been in establishing contact and making sure I knew he was “interested” I figured he changed his mind, or had started seeing someone else.
That’s fine. But at least have the decency to close the connection with some class. Interestingly, I was relieved and closed our match citing that I’d decided to date another connection. It wasn’t true, but it felt good.
Oh, by the way; when I went into his profile to close the match I saw that he’d changed the title of his profession. It now reads “Home Hypnosis Weight Loss Party Specialist” — huh? <What’s that I hear… sounds like laughing.> This confirmed I was much better off to close the match.
Yep, I’m Still Single
The matches continue to appear in my inbox, but only three or four every few days now. Most of the matches either have no photo uploaded, or their profiles are barely filled out. Come on men, get it together; you are paying money for this service!
I have to say that some of the photos are hilarious. One man was sitting on his unmade bed with a box of junk sitting beside him. Makes my decision-making process easier. Thanks man.
I won’t be paying for this much longer. I signed up for three months and I won’t be renewing my contract. But who knows, it’s still early. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised within the next six weeks. If not, at least I tried.
I can’t deny that I would love to find that special companion; a hiking buddy, someone to go to a movie with; someone to cook a special dinner for once in a while. But most importantly, someone to make me laugh and who I can tease in return. Having fun is at the top of my list because I get way too serious sometimes and I need someone to remind me of a better way to be.
But I’m not going to push it. I’m not about to settle for someone just because I don’t want to be alone, that’s for sure.
What I did learn from this is that I’m not desperate to find someone. I’m quite content with my company and I’m relieved. Maybe it’s just not the right time.
Photo Credit: Courtney Bolton
patricia
Hilary
Tony Single
Linda
Barbara Swafford
Deb Dorchak
Chris Edgar
{ 27 comments }
Your ability to tell a story always amazes me Davina. From the title, I had a good feeling what the conclusion would be but you had me wondering.
Though I am married, and have been for 30 years, the challenges of relationships continue. As lives change over time, the connections you have with someone do too. I think it is harder to find the common ground and all the other good qualities you seek in a person. It was never easy but harder now.
I also think young people don’t take relationships as seriously as you are here — even with the humor you built in… If I had it to do over, I would realize how long a lifetime is… Thanks for sharing.
.-= Julie Walraven | Resume Services´s last blog ..Relationships Matter =-.
Hi Davina .. how interesting .. I know a friend here who met his wife over the net – and there are definitely people there for whom it works .. just not sure I could put my emotional energies into it.
Let’s see what happens for the next few weeks .. good for you for trying a route and being prepared to tell us about it .. & oh yes – there’s another chap I know whose wife died at the Home, who has met his new partner via the net .. just not me I think. Perhaps it works better for men looking, than for women .. women looking will be more serious usually, I guess.
Actually an interesting sideline to the chap above .. he inadvertently emailed out to all his address book suggesting that we all join the dating site .. that made me laugh!!!
Enjoy the weekend .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Steak, Kidney and Oyster Pudding with a Stout Porter? =-.
As you probably know, I met Mr Very Right through an online dating site. So,they work. (Emphasis on Mr VERY RIGHT). But here’s a few quick hit lessons learned:
1. Never pay for an online dating site. Instead use plentyoffish dot com. Amongst my friends and acquaintances, many successful meetings through this site
2. Shallow as it is, profile pic is everything. My brother changed his profile pic and went from dribbles of emails to more emails than he could handle.
3. Never view this as a way to meet a life partner. It’s a way to meet very interesting people. I had coffee with about a dozen men in the year I was doing online dating. All very nice men. No chemistry, but still very nice, and we had interesting conversations. I also had repeat dinners with a couple of them, and dated 1 of them for 6 weeks.
4. It can be tiring. When it’s no longer fun, take a break. After about 6 months, I just emailed men when I wanted to meet someone new again.
5. Listen to your gut. There literally are plenty of fish in the sea. If it smells rotten, it likely is, so don’t bother. There’s a nicer person right behind them.
6. And most importantly, relax and have fun!
Again, it can work. Amongst my immediate circle, my brother Alex (not the one mentioned above; he’s still having fun meeting new people), myself, and a very close friend of mine have met incredible people and are happy, happy, happy.
.-= Eliza´s last blog ..Sharing a challenge: Getting the right fuel for the job =-.
Hi Davina – Oh, the stories I could tell about dating men from online! Suffice to say that when I met Pete (yes, online, but in a chatroom of all things), I was very wary because he seemed so normal! LOL, I figured he had to be a secret axe murderer or something. My friend Judy always made sure the photo she was getting was taken in the current decade and inquired about their teeth. It’s an interesting process, to be sure, and it definitely requires a sense of humor as well as a finely-tuned instinct.
.-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..What I Should Have Said =-.
I am blown away by your honesty as much as your story telling skill!
Maybe Scotland’s a possibility. All the outdoorsy yet artistic types would be heaving sighs of relief at meeting a self employed woman who can cook, likes her wine and can climb mountains like a goat! Couldn’t you sign up for a scholarship on one of Joanna’s courses over here and meet like minded folk?
I’m also thinking there must be someone in our online community who has fallen in love with your essence and is too shy to declare that he’s bonded online. If you’re reading, Pefect Guy…do the brave thing!
Davina — I loved this post and laughed all through it. I know how difficult online dating can be.
I echo the suggestions by Eliza. All her suggestions are wise. I agree with her to approach online dating as an opportunity to meet new people and most of all, to have FUN.
Also, men are notorious for both putting up ridiculous pictures and profiles. As you know I met JC online. In his profile, he talked a lot about wine and drinking wine. Even the last book he read was the “Encyclopedia of Wine.”
While he didn’t explain this, it was because he’s a chef and deals with food and wine all the time. Unfortunately, it came across rather differently and fell in the category of “Does this man have a problem?.” Fortunately, he also had a great sense of humor, which also came across in his profile.
Here are a few tips to take or leave:
1. Make a list of the fop five things you VALUE in a relationship and then use it to select or reject people. For example, JC got to me because of his wonderful sense of humor and humor is a top strength for me:~)
2. Concentrate more on the written profile where the man tells about himself than the picture or the “likes and dislikes” sections.
3. Remember, you get to pursue in online dating. Don’t wait for a man to contact you first; if you like someone, send a message to him.
4. Pick out some men that are very different than your usual “type” and send them messages.
Lastly, the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs…” fits online dating to a tee, but I will say…if you are patient, you can find your “prince” :~)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..A Poem for Love =-.
Your story makes me realize how complicated it is out there these days, Davina. I’ve been with the same guy for a long time (long before all this online stuff came to be) so it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Seems like it was so much simpler back in the day. Don’t I sound old and hopelessly outdated??? But I do remember a charming story a friend told me about meeting her beloved. She and two friends set up a series of dinner dates with prospective men. That way they all could be assured of having some fun, even if nothing came of it. Something did come of it for her, and she’s still with the guy.
.-= Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Life as a Work of Art =-.
Hi Julie.
Wow, you’ve been married for 30 years — congratulations! You’ve obviously found that common ground with your guy. Life does affect our relationships and I think it’s that common ground you speak of that keeps you committed to working with the changes. Maybe someday I’ll have a chance to apply that :-)
Hi Hilary.
I have heard a lot of stories about people who’ve met online, so I believe it’s possible. Given the type of pictures and how the profiles are not filled out, yeah I’d say it doesn’t appear most men take this as seriously. Your friend was obviously enamored with the dating site to suggest you all join.
Hi Eliza.
Great advice. I’ve never heard of plentyoffish dot com. Will check that out — thanks! I’m curious what was different about your brother’s new photo that made the difference. It is a bit shallow but realistic; though I still connected with a few of the men based more on their profiles. One didn’t even have a photo and I sent him an inquiry to post one. He never did. And I’m definitely listening to my gut about mister Hot Dancer.
Hi Betsy.
What is normal? :-D Your friend inquired about their teeth — hah, hah. I wonder what they thought about that. I’m envisioning a veterinarian checking the health of a dog’s teeth, lol.
Hi Janice.
I love to tell a story I guess :-) These are the easiest blog posts to write… and the most fun. Joanna offers scholarships? Hmmm, I’ve always wanted to go to Scotland. You’re cute, re nudging Perfect Guy to come forward IF he’s reading. IF he even exists. {insert sarcasm}
Hi Sara.
Thanks for the tips — these are great! A sense of humour is at the top of my list too. I contacted about 8 different men and heard nothing back; guess they’re the strong silent type {more sarcasm}. Kissing even one frog right now would be delightful! :-D
Hi Patty.
I don’t think you sound old and outdated, lol. I think you sound human! :-) Why can’t we JUST meet people these days without all these contrived methods? Granted, it was easier back in school and when I was not working from home. I get less exposure these days and that makes it more difficult.
That scenario you’ve mentioned is great in the sense that they were able to relax and just have fun. It’s much easier to be yourself when you’re having fun.
Hi Davina — thanks for this — I felt a lightheartedness in this one that I didn’t feel in the original post in this series — and that lack of heaviness felt refreshing to me. I hope it did to you as well.
Hi Chris.
Yes, I’ve been laughing through this. And I howled when I found that picture. Thought it was a perfectly sarcastic and light-hearted way to illustrate those feelings. I surrender! :-D
My oldest daughter would agree with you – she did get a “friend” for 4 months who was just interested in exploring the new city he was living in for the time he was here…and that was fun, but she has not had any luck with several sites now. Maybe she will come over and make a comment.
I think it is very hard these days….we certainly did see some lovely menfolk in Scotland and some stunning looking men in Wales!
.-= patricia´s last blog ..Book Review: What Should I Do With the Rest of My Life ~ Bruce Frankel =-.
Hi Patricia.
I’d like to hear what your daughter has to say. Though I appreciate all the recommendations from online and offline friends to try this, I don’t think it is for me. Good for those people for whom this has worked out though. I wonder what happened to the days when we just met people doing what we like to do? I suppose busyness has got in the way, but still. Er… do you have any pics of those stunning men? :-) Yeah, like they’d pose for you right — geez.
As the Eliza Gilkyson song goes, you are alone, but not lonely.
Your Robin Hood Reincarnation awaits. Maybe at the hardware store. Maybe on a bed with no box of junk beside him. But he most certainly does await. And is longing for everything about sweet little you too.
xo
I have to hand it to you Davina for putting yourself out there and trying. I believe in you! If the guys didn’t call you back, then they are losers. Move on! I agree with the the above advice about not having to pay. Looking forward to seeing how the plenty of fish site goes. My friends in California use that.
Julie
.-= Julie ~ jbulie’s blog´s last blog ..jbulie’s blog ~ I ♥ my readers giveaway contest. Enter by March 24th to win. =-.
Way to go Davina!!!! You wrote another post. Your writers block is over.
Personally I would never use online dating. Just seems wrong for me.
I’m not ready for a new relationship.
I feel quite comfortable being single for now. I have looked up some old friends and enjoy talking to them and seeing them.
@Jim – I think it is safe to say that everyone starts out with “just seems wrong to me”. After all, it seems so impersonal to post a resume (aka profile) to find a date. However, it is simply another way to be exposed to meeting new people.
When we were younger, we met people through school and parties. By the time I was 42, my social realm was narrowed down to work and going out with the same group of friends. Dating someone from work can be iffy in case the relationship doesn’t work. And once you are in your forties, you circle of friends rarely expands to include new people.
The trick with online dating is to not confuse it with a chat line. There are many people on dating sites (men and women) who just want to sit on their couch and chat. My rule was I’ll chat with someone a couple of times, but then we had to meet in person. A surprising number of men disappeared at this point. But the genuine men were very happy to meet for a coffee.
The only downside to this method is that you don’t get to check the person out from afar before you commit to meeting them. When we meet someone through work or friends you can check out the chemistry first.
Admittedly, there were some strained moments when I realized right off the bat I wasn’t going to click with someone. But I’m a people person and so I would just decide I was going to see if I could learn something new about the world. In other words, I would find out what they did for work or hobbies and then focus on that. It generally ended up being pretty cool actually.
.-= Eliza´s last blog ..Sharing a challenge: Getting the right fuel for the job =-.
Hi Davina,
I LOVE your stories. And who knows, your Mr. VERY RIGHT (stealing Eliza’s term) might be reading this.
I’ve never done online dating (met husband through work 25 years ago), but have friends for whom it has worked well. Although it’s unfortunate some of the men aren’t filling out their profiles, I’m thinking by not doing so, it says something about them.
Your final paragraph may hold a lot of truth – “maybe it’s not the right time”. In the meantime, keep the stories coming. They’re a joy to read. :)
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..The Secret That Keeps Us Blogging =-.
Hi Jannie.
Heh, heh… you make me laugh. Well I wish he’d stop waiting… I’m doin’ all the work here dammit! :-D
Hi there Julie.
Welcome to my little corner of the blogosphere. I figured I’d do something different. You never know until you try. It wasn’t too expensive, but now that I know about the other site I might check into it. I’m kinda turned off this whole thing now… gee, that didn’t take too long.
Hi Jim.
As I mentioned to Julie above, I thought I’d try something new. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I’ll see what happens over the next 6 weeks. Glad you’ve reconnected with old friends.
@Eliza, this is true what you say. It is harder to meet people “at our age” ;-) I was thinking that there are awkward moments when there IS chemistry too :-D But good awkward moments.
Hi Barbara.
Hah, hah. Glad you’re enjoying the reading. I agree, these men are making my decision-making process easier. And wow, 25 years — that’s awesome Barbara!
Davina,
I sure wish we had gotten a picture of the gentleman in Whales! He was an ambulance driver who came to care for a woman who had taken a fall… by the time he left the scene there was a row of us girls, sitting on a brick wall, ogling!
For the most part though I would have to agree with you about the online dating experience. I have now paid for a total of one year with 3 separate services and have had no luck. I made one friend, as mom mentioned he was not a local though and he eventually went home. I cant believe all the people who sign up and then never do anything! I have sent dozens of emails an over the course of a year I have had a sum total of 4 responses. When my current subscription ends next month I have no intention of ever renewing again…
@Janice – How would one go about meeting some of these Scottish guys? I cook, I hike and I’m always up for an adventure… :)
“I’m not about to settle for someone just because I don’t want to be alone, that’s for sure.” You are smart. I used to work as a divorce attorney. So many people get married out of fear of being alone and end up miserable.
Reading your story just makes me appreciate my lovely wife even more, Davina. I didn’t think that was possible! :P
I admire anyone who decides on a course of action and gives it a good ol’ college try. I don’t think I’d have the heart for online dating. You see, I’ve never been any good at “selling” myself, and the thought of having to interest potential partners would just depress me beyond measure. Yup, I’d probably take the whole thing waaa-aaay too seriously.
I’m with you and Vered: “I’m not about to settle for someone just because I don’t want to be alone, that’s for sure.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy not to have ended up alone, but if I was in a similar situation to you… well, I wouldn’t want to end up being alone in a loveless relationship. That would be worse.
.-= Tony Single´s last blog ..Normal Man Goes Super =-.
Hi Geek Girl.
LOL, that sounds like something you’d see in a movie. This is interesting isn’t it? We hear all the stories about people who’ve met online and it sounds worthwhile. But I wonder how many stories there are of people like you and I, who’ve had disappointing results…
Hi Vered.
Believe me… my mother taught me well. She was married 4 times and was never happy.I’d rather stay single than go through that.
Hi Tony.
I’m so glad I was able to help you appreciate your wife even more :-)
Yeah, I figured I’d at least give this a try to see what would happen. I’m not terribly disappointed; more frustrated with the apparent lack of motivation on the part of the matches I’ve received.
Oh jeez – what does this even mean?
“Home Hypnosis Weight Loss Party Specialist”
I laughed at Betsy’s comments. When someone seems so right and “normal” I always wonder what the catch is – that someone can’t actually be that way.
I’ve found through my own wacky online dating experiences that a lot of people are all gung-ho about meeting but then when it comes time to do so they don’t follow through – I’m not sure if it’s fear or if they’ve been lying about themselves but it’s annoying – please don’t waste my time.
I’ve decided that I’m quite happy on my own – if it happens, cool, but I’m not going to spend too much time on it.
.-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..World Water Day – March 22, 2010 =-.
Hi Davina
Oh this post gave me a good chuckle….it isn’t easy out there to find someone with substance, never mind someone a person can connect with.
But you know what, you are right, at least you tried. Now mind you there are numerous dating services, maybe this one isn’t the one for you…I don’t know. Or maybe mister right, is going to find another way to come into your life.
Just be open to all the Universe has in store for you, as usually it delivers in ways that we least expect ;)
.-= Evita´s last blog ..Sway =-.
Hi Kim.
LOL… I was wondering when someone would mention that! That was the clincher in closing THIS match. It is funny eh? … to doubt normalcy? :-) I think you’ve got a great attitude… and probably I’m not far from adopting the same one.
Hi Evita.
Thanks. I’m glad I can see the humour in this too. I used to date a Mr. Wright. Maybe I already had my chance :-)
I know people who have found their significant other through on-line dating. If the concept resonates with you, go for it. If you are doing it because you are put up to it, then your heart is not in it. My own experience shows that each person connects with kindred spirits when they are open, receptive and allow thigns to unfold. If you resist, fear or get wrapped up in promoting a particular self-image that is not you, then it is unrealistic to ask someone to accept you for who you are. Start with yourself. The more you love and accept that, the more other people are drawn to you and the pursuit is unnecessary.
.-= Liara covert´s last blog ..What to do for personal well-being? =-.
Hi Liara.
Thank you; this is wise advice. And you are right, online dating was not something I resonated with but just decided to try. I recently experienced what you say about people being drawn to one another. I was hiking in a location where I was comfortable and enjoying myself; connections just “happened”… effortlessly.
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