Working with relationship
Last week I introduced you to an exercise I call “Working with the Third Entity” — being with relationship. You can practice this when you are feeling confused, helpless or angry about a seemingly hopeless situation involving yourself and another person.
This exercise acknowledges that even the relationship itself has needs. It supports you in your process in the sense that you feel less reactive and more responsive.
After you go through the role-playing exercise, you clarify your needs and communicate them to the other person. You take the time to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. And finally, in Phase 3 you give audience to the relationship (the space) between both of you.
The relationship seed
To represent the relationship the object I chose to work with was a pen; it just happened to be the closest thing to me. This pen was placed on the floor between the chair where I was sitting and the chair where I imagined the other person was sitting.
Symbolically, the pen represented a seed that had just been planted in the earth. When you do your exercise your symbolism will be different; at the time a seed was what my imagination showed me.
Because I love gardening and have strong memories of digging in the earth and weeding a vegetable garden as a child, this holds a strong connection for me. I love the smell of the earth and taking care of gardens. This enabled me to really step into this ‘story’.
I asked questions of the relationship as if it were sitting there in front of me. What did the seed need to have happen AND why? The process gave me a way to feel guided and not hopeless. I was more open minded, listening and aware — ready to be a part of the process in any way I could help. Just like tending a garden.
Tuning in to consider what the seed needed helped me to be more clear about what actions to take or not take. It helped me to step outside of my own entitlement… out of the reach of the ego. I created a list of ways I could support the process itself, without being concerned about whether I would get what I thought I wanted.
Taking the time to create a story, by setting the stage and moving out of ‘my story’ and into the bigger story, I invited in the listening. I won’t say that by doing this process you will get what you want — are you prepared for that? You will see new possibilities. You will move out of the charged emotional reaction and be able to make responsible decisions.
So, what did the seed need?
It needed room to grow. Big surprise eh? LOL. Yes, maybe… and… seeds have an innate nature; they already know what they have to do to grow, so my job was to be near to tend the garden as needed.
The soil I saw in my story was freshly tilled; dark and moist. I could almost smell that sweet earthy smell. I didn’t have to worry about feeding the seed or watering it. Nature would take care of that. I simply needed to stand by and watch for any weeds that might grow.
I considered what I could do to prevent weeds from growing; what actions I might take that might represent a weed; what actions I might take that might represent nurturing the seed.
I had no idea even what seed had been planted, other than the fact that it was something that would feed me… if it matured.
Maybe the seed wouldn’t grow. I could accept that strangely enough, when I was aware that it wasn’t all about me. The key was to trust that for now the seed was there.
I knew there was something bigger than I that needed my attention and support. What did the seed need most of all — even more than weed control? The sun.
It needed me to not block its sun. When you get in the way of the sun, you cast shadows.
Photo Credit: Davina Haisell
Linda
Barbara Swafford
Deb Dorchak
Tony Single
Chris Edgar
Sara
Jeffrey Willius
Doug Gene
{ 16 comments }
Hi Davina
FIrst off, beautiful photo. I have a very special place in my heart for dandelions, and can actually not understand why so many take them for granted and call them weeds. In fact right now, the fields all around us, in fact almost wherever there is a patch of grass are yellow! It is one of my most favorite times of the year!
And reading this, one strong message is resonating within me loudly – seeds need room for growth. It makes me really think how often we squash our own, or another person’s growth by what we say or do?
I am happy that you found exactly what you needed. It is amazing, but that often happens when we stop blocking the sun ;)
.-= Evita´s last blog ..SkyWatch Friday: Busy Skies =-.
Firstly Davina, another beautiful piece of writing! You always weave your ideas with thoughtful flowing words, a great pleasure to immerse myself in.
“Be prepared to not get what you want, new possibilities…” speaks deeply to me. So many times when we try to convince someone that our way is correct, we are closing ourselves off to experiences that are meant to grow us. When we resist we most often are missing out on lessons we will eventually learn, anyway — as you so eloquently put, the seed is programmed already. Opportunities abound when we open to them!
xo
I like your metaphor of turning the relationship into a seed and focusing on needs.
I like to think of my relationships as a Bonsai tree … it invokes a nurturing, tuning and pruning mindset for me.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Seth Godin =-.
I really enjoyed this. You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m hooked on the power of symbols and metaphors in our lives! I recently decided that my ‘seed’ DNA made me a deciduous blogger rather than a regular, consistent one. (I’ll go back and read your previous posts when I’ve caught up a bit. I just couldn’t resist a wee peek at this as the email alert just came in.)
The approach you describe really works. I’ve used something similar with clients, asking them to detach themselves enough to imagine their own relationships and scenarios being acted out on screen, like a film or a TV drama, so they can assess, analyse, predict and comment on the characters and their relationships without all the emotional weight that comes from our egos creating dramas and hysteria and projecting all over the place. We even have fun ‘rewinding’, ‘forwarding’, ‘editing’ and sometimes ‘muting’!
Thanks, Davina!
.-= Janice | Sharing the Journey´s last blog ..How to Write like Adam Lambert (revisited) =-.
Hi Davina, what a great exercise. Thought provoking post & most beautiful photo.
Davina,
I like the idea of taking a relationship outside of my needs or the other person’s needs and letting it be what it is.
When I did this exercise, I used a piece of paper. The feeling I kept getting was a need to move away from the paper, like I was too close to it or crowding it.
I realized that perhaps the relationship I was exploring might be telling me it needed more SPACE and that maybe I needed to step back from it:~) It certainly gave me something to think about! Thanks:~)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Hanging on a Thread of Doubt =-.
Hi Evita.
Thanks :-) That’s a huge compliment coming from you. Don’t you just love blowing the dandelion seeds when they’re finished blooming? You know what else when you’re in the sun too long…? You get burned :-D
Hi Jannie.
Thank you. *smiles* Oooh, I like how you’ve worded this: “experiences that are meant to grow us.” Yeah, that’s perfect! There could be a song in there somewhere…
Hi J.D.
I like your metaphor too regarding nurturing and pruning. Metaphors are great aren’t they? Such a good way to translate our experience.
Hi Janice.
Oh, that’s a great way to practice this too! It just makes so much sense to help move us out of the drama doesn’t it? How can you hear yourself think or see straight with THAT screaming at you? Thanks for the idea.
Hi Rose.
It’s a ‘dandy’ of a picture & a dandy exercise :-D Thank you.
Hi Sara.
You’re welcome. :-) I love how when we tune in to our outer space it shows us more of our inner space. Trusting that is the adventure.
As I was reading, I was thinking to myself that I suspect the secret of those in a good relationship is that they do these exercises intuitively, without even realizing they are.
.-= vered | blogger for hire´s last blog ..Can We Save Planet Earth? =-.
Davina, love your reflections and self-revelations. You are sunshine and the rain, the shadows and the light. You are everything and nothing, right now.
One point of view is if a person or seed does not choose to do something, then it is not up to anyone to force them to act against their choices. In some ways, each perception can be viewed as a way to recognize the judge within. Why would we want a thing or person to do something they are not ready to do? Consider you never block anything in your own life that you are ready to accept. To unconditionally accept everyone and everything and their choices means its okay not to wish they were doing something different than they are. A seed that does not choose to grow is a blessing as it is with its own purpose in being.
.-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..What is the point? =-.
I like this lovely exercise and process – it is as though you have mixed metaphor, symbol, Nonviolent Communications and meditation into a problem solving tool box…..
just give the seed room – do not dilute the sun…
I am trying not to ask my one daughter if she moves clear across the country with her boyfriend for his graduate program and she does not find a job right away – how will she pay or what will she do if she can not come home for Christmas? He may give up on her after his 4 years in grad. school and it they go that far away, will they want to relocate ever back here – because that is hard work….( well my issue is now seeing the light!)
I don’t want to solve these issues I just so want, as a protective mom, to get them on her list of considerations. I think I had best do this exercise a dozen times with a vacant chair….oh ego be still/ oh mom mode maybe this is a good time to just be quiet?
Good Job Davina….we are all thinking about this..
.-= patricia´s last blog ..Oh for the Beauty of the Earth – Earth Day 2010 =-.
Funny, when I look in my backyard and see all those dandelions, they are weeds. When I look at your picture, they are beautiful. What I find very interesting about dandelions, in the dark of night the flowers close up and seem to go dormant. They sure do need the sun to grow.
When our emotions and egos get in the way of making rational decisions, there is very little room for growth in a relationship. You should always consider the other person’s perspective of the relationship. I like the way you have explained new ways to look at relationships.
Thank you for sharing some of your coaching skills.
Hi Vered.
I think you’re absolutely right!
Hi Liara.
I love what you’ve said here about each perception being viewed as a way to recognize the judge within. In a sense, after reading what both you and Vered have said, it makes me wonder why personal development even exists, aside from just being another dance step to try with a different partner. We could have a lot of fun with metaphors there — stepping on toes, etc :)
Hi Patricia.
Quite the tool belt, eh? :-) What if you plant the seed — just ask your daughter if she has considered it and not how she will solve it? I never had children but I do remember how difficult it was for my mom when I moved into my own apartment, much less across the country. We can practice the exercise the next time we chat, if you like. Just let me know.
Hi Jim.
You’re welcome. I’ve never noticed dandelions closing up at night. I’m half tempted now to take a walk with my flashlight.
Hi Davina,
Our dandelions are in full bloom now and I’m certainly enjoying them. To me, they’re beautiful flowers. :)
What a fascinating exercise. I like how you said at the end we need to not get in the way of the sun. And I was reminded of how we also need to let “it” grow on it’s own and not disturb the root system. And patience, I think, is very important for the growth of anything.
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Bloggers Rehab – Need To Go? =-.
Hi Davina .. dandelions are prolific at the moment – glorious bursts of yellow amongst the greens of the grasses .. and we can eat the leaves and young buds .. and they have lots of other properties for which we’ve forgotten about.
It’s important to get on with things and not wait around, to nurture what we’ve sown, watch it tenderly and as you so rightly say not get in the way of the warming sun .. its life giving force. Keep an eye on it and give it room to grow.
This is so good to read – as it’s so relative to every day life ..thanks Davina .. love your stories and tales of telling … have a good week – Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Pevensey Castle, Normans Bay, smuggling and family remembrances … Part 2 =-.
Oh I love that photo and it alone says so much. And what you say at the end about casting shadows is huge! A speaker I know says that when we are doing very well our ego will lead us sneaking into another persons back yard to nose around. LOL Isn’t that the truth. If I only stay in my own business and work with my shadow and how it projects I can stand in the sun and always shine!
.-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Gary Zukav’s Spiritual Partnership: The Journey To Authentic Power =-.
Hello Barbara.
They sure are beautiful. The yellow colour really stands out; to me, these flowers seem to be more humble than the others, if that makes any sense. Lol… disturbing the root system is a good job for the earthworms anyway :)
Hi Hilary.
Exactly! “Glorious bursts of yellow amongst the greens of the grasses.” I’d forgotten about being able to eat the leaves. They’re supposed to be good for the liver; according to TCM the bitter flavour supports cleansing. You’re welcome; I’m glad you enjoy the storytelling.
Hi Tess.
Your avatar has flown off somewhere??? Yah, it’s funny how we get drawn to other’s backyards to sniff around. The grass is always greener on the other side… ? Hmmm.
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