The last day of August was hot. Too hot even for Rena. The air felt heavy, offering the sensation of unwelcome clammy arms wrapped around her. It was hard to breathe.
The sundress she had put on after her shower, just a half hour ago, clung to her curves. Her long red hair, which had been swept up in a bun was already looking unkempt as she rushed along the crowded street in the Beaches neighbourhood of Toronto.
She avoided eye contact with the Friday rush-hour pedestrians, dodging suited-up briefcase-toting businessmen, housewives dragging their kids two steps behind them, couples strolling arm-in-arm, feverishly texting singles and one dog walker. Whatever would possess a dog walker to navigate three dogs in these crowds was beyond her.
Rena glided in and out of traffic, turning her shoulders left and then right, not stopping as she squeezed past everyone. It was 5:20 and she had one more block to go. Her pace slowed as she turned right and headed away from the crowds. The tree-lined street offered shade from the sun. The perspiration glistening on her chest cooled and refreshed her.
His house was in view now and she realized she was tied up in knots in anticipation of this session with Marc. She paused. A deep sigh helped to relax her shoulders and she let her chin fall to her chest. She enjoyed a brief stretch, admiring her new carnelian opate pendant that rested between her bosom.
Marc had suggested she buy this crystal after their last session. He told her it helped to resolve anger and hatred when worn near the heart. He told her that this stone would evoke deep sensations of well-being and relieve sexual tension. It is also worn for courage and physical power over enemies. She wondered how it would protect her from her mother, Virginia, who had passed away just four months ago.
The front yard resembled an overgrown meadow speckled with daisies, buttercups and clover. Marc never mowed it, much to the chagrin of his neighbours. The front door was closed and that meant he was still with a client.
There wasn’t any shade nearby and she hoped she wouldn’t have to wait long. Sweat trickled past the carnelian and down the small of her back. She sat down on the steps and closed her eyes, trying to relax. Vivian’s face tormented her memory and she shifted nervously, gravel gritting on the step beneath her.
Thankfully, after a couple of deep breaths her vision was interrupted by the sound of voices and footsteps on the stairs inside. A young blonde, who couldn’t have been more than 25, opened the door. “See you in two weeks,” she called behind her. Her eyes rested briefly on Rena’s carnelian and then without a word she stepped past and left her reeling in a cloud of perfume. Rena sneezed.
“Bless you, love.” Marc was peeking through the doorway, grinning. “Come on in.”
The tiny room at the bottom of the stairs was dimly lit, the curtains having been drawn to block the sunlight. Incense was burning and a tall red candle was flickering from its post atop a tiny round table in one corner.
Rena reached for her carnelian, cradling it in her sweaty palm. It was ice cold.
* * *
While working on my novel one afternoon I took a break to write something different. I think there could be another story here if I so desire to keep it going. This was a welcome exercise and I thought I’d share because I’d like to invite anyone who’s interested, to write the next scene.
What do you wonder about, after having read this short piece?
If you were writing the next scene what would you write about? (If you do write the next scene, I’d love to read it!)
What do you like about this, or what would you change?
There is one intentional error in this story. Can you find it?
Photo credit: Powerhouse Museum
J.D. Meier
patricia
Hilary
Tony Single
Linda
Barbara Swafford
Deb Dorchak
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not sure if I will write the next scene, Davina, although I have an idea or two. The error stood out like a sore thumb and I knew you had left it there on purpose, I just knew it! Rena’s dead mother’s name is Virginia and later you referred to her as Vivian. Am I right?
I loved the vivid descriptions of Rena and I had a very clear picture of her. I also felt winded as I came upon Marc’s house, because of all the chaos as she ran through the crowd of diversity.
My impression of Marc, at this point, is not a great one. I get the feeling that he is a cad. Or maybe that’s just my own mistrust in the male species. LOL!
Cindy Schuerr´s last [type] ..Let’s Have a Memorable Holiday by Getting Back to the Basics!
You’re absolutely right, Cindy. He is a schmuck. Good instincts! That is exactly what I was thinking when I was writing him into the story. I almost missed those two different names, just about hit the publish button with them. I fixed the error and then decided to put it back. You’re good! :)
I’m pleased that you felt winded from Rena’s journey. I’ve walked down a busy Toronto street during rush hour. It does wind you.
This is sounding great. Marc is a pretty intriguing character so far. I’m also wondering why Rena needs to feel protection “from” her mother. Did they have a bad relationship when she passed? Is she afraid to grieve? I’m already sucked in!
Doug Gene´s last [type] ..Rock Creek Coupon Code and Review
Hi Davina .. you’ve me hit at a bad time for creating for someone else! I actually hadn’t spotted the two names – though Vivian didn’t sit quite right – but I didn’t check out why. I had thought the error was the photo, the setting era .. and the fact that people were rushing yet texting as we could today.
You love the name Rena I think?! There’s lots that could be developed …
Did the donut one ever get finished?!
Interesting thoughts … cheers for now – Hilary
Nice story…I thought Vivian was a new character so read it several times and then could not decide.
It is late tonight and my computer has been acting up again all day…I just found time to get around to a few spots to read….this was a good one and took my mind away from the frustrations..Thank you
You write so well…When I actively sold vitamins there was a man on my sales team who was a therapist by day…I saw Marc as an un-bearded version of this man and maybe younger. The therapist on my team turned out to be sleeping with several of his clients…and his lovely wife and child left him….
There is always that strange feeling about some people…and both the character and the therapist gave that to me.
patricia´s last [type] ..Who Said That?
This is an awesome story Davina. Even though I’m sitting here in the freezing cold, I could still “feel” Rena’s journey through the streets. I didn’t spot the error. I would like to read more, cos I wanna know what Rena’s mother has done that makes her feel she needs protection from her even when she’s dead. I also got the impression that Marc is a bit slimy.
I would love to know what happens next but I wouldn’t dare write the next bit. Your writing is awesome – mine would be a let down in comparison. I can’t wait to read your novel – you have an amazing talent.
I wanna find out about Rena’s mother, too! Hurry! :D
Betsy Wuebker´s last [type] ..Location Independence: Road Trip Version
Thanks, Doug!
This is great that you have these questions. I love it! The mind is a curious thing. It’s amazing *just* how many things there are to consider; you’ve asked a lot of good ones. This could go in any direction.
Lol, Hilary.
I do like the name Rena. I was fiddling with writing for my current novel and so that’s how Rena landed in this piece. I decided to leave the name as it was. Maybe it’s partly my way of getting to know the character better.
Your spidy sense was tingling with regards to the two names. It’s funny how these things can stand out for us, we pick up on “something” but we can’t put our finger on it. I wondered if the photo might throw someone off because I mentioned Rena’s long hair and in the picture they both have short hair. Oh well. I was having trouble finding a picture and decided that this one would do :)
The donut story is still waiting to be written! Once I finish Serious Undulations I have to decide which one I will work on next.
Hi Patricia.
Thank you! Lol, I fooled you with those names. You’re welcome… I’m glad this gave you a much-needed break from your computer problems.
That’s a shame that marriage broke up over that man. So much for therapist/client boundaries. I just wonder how much of that goes on behind closed doors…. where the health profession is paying for it!
Thanks, Cath.
So nice to see you here! :) Yes, Marc *is* slimy. I’d love to give you a hint, but I don’t want to give anything away… It’s cool that so many have picked up on Marc’s character when he only spoke one line. I’m loving this… because everyone is right!! Atmosphere speaks volumes.
I really appreciate your feedback — needed to hear that as writing has been a bit of a challenge lately. Well, not the writing actually… the planning of the in-between stages of the novel. It’s an interesting process. My respect for writers continues to grow.
I think you are a wonderful writer. You have a unique voice and great personality. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. :)
Oh man, Betsy…
I’ve really opened a can of worms, now haven’t I? LOL.
Thank you Davina. I keep missing people’s posts. I wish there was somewhere they could be put on FB so they are not missed.
I hear you on the planning. I’ve had so many attempts at novels and I found that so hard too. I even tried novel planning software, but it didn’t work for me. I guess you have to keep remembering that you can make changes, swap things round, and cut things out. Knowing you can change things stops you from getting stuck. :)
You’re welcome :)
Yes!!! You’re so right. We have the power to make the changes and yet we get so hung up on things! That’s the road I’m on right now.
The writing is a piece of cake. The planning and organizing takes time. Patience is the key here, that’s for sure. And knowing when to balance the writing with the planning. I tend to get hung up on one or the other. But when I get stuck with the planning if I surrender and just do a little writing, even if I’m out of sequence in the story, it seems to help to bring the big picture clearer. It’s a process. I’m learning that I don’t trust myself enough.
Davina
Do not work on Patience because then all you get is patience and Patience will not write a novel or story…it only subdues
Work on steps – such as writing out of sequence, which seems to make the picture clearer to you….I think of the novel Olive Kitteridge….where the author took a collection of short stories about a small town and tied them together with the school teacher Kitteridge….
I believe working step by step keeps one progressing and accomplishing where as Patience just calms the feelings and produces more patience…
patricia´s last [type] ..THE CHANGE – DIY Healthcare Resources
Thank you, Patricia!
This was a brilliant comment!!! It really hit home. How wise you are :-)
nice to know I was brilliant or wise somewhere today…I just enjoyed the snow because I am having serious internet/server problems Maybe due to the cold or maybe my old computer is giving up?
patricia´s last [type] ..THE CHANGE – DIY Healthcare Resources
Well done, Davina! You’ve put me in the scene by calling on not just my imagination, but my senses.
I gather Vivian is your comprehension test?
Jeffrey Willius´s last [type] ..WHAT GORILLA? – The Power and Peril of Focus
My reaction to this piece is a feeling there’s something mystical in it, especially when the carnelian went “icy cold.” This line also made feel there might something unearthly involved, “She wondered how it would protect her from her mother, Virginia, who had passed away just four months ago.” It makes me think Rena might just need the protection of the carnelian.
I didn’t get the “oops” but that shouldn’t be any surprise to you. I’m a terrible editor and not a “word by word” reader. I didn’t get it on a second read. I guess because both names begin with “V” and so just assumed it was Virginia.
This was an interesting read and it did make me want more. Perhaps Rena can become your online story for when you take breaks from the novel. Good luck with that by the way:~)
Patricia,
Yes, you made a very good impact. I hope you are past those Internet problems now. My Internet was down for a short while a few days ago too. Makes me appreciate it more when I don’t have it!
Thanks Jeffrey!
Oh, I love your mention of the senses here. I think that is where some of the richest writing is born; when we literally step into our senses, putting ourselves into the scene. We can be so much more descriptive and connect with the readers that way. You are correct that Vivian was the answer to the intentional error. Good eye.
Hi Sara!
Nice to see you again. You are *very* perceptive! The fact that the carnelian was cold is a huge clue :) And there is something unearthy going on…
Well, I almost missed the two different “V” names too! It was an easy one to miss, especially when you’re caught up in the story. I bet you’re not a terrible editor at all! It’s just more difficult to edit your own work than it is to edit someone else’s work.
I’m glad you enjoyed the read. That is a great idea to write Rena as an online story break. Thanks!
Hi Davina — I’m enjoying this so far — it sounds like it explores the theme of the dark side of the “New-Agey” or “helping” culture. As far as pros and cons, I think the character of Marc (perhaps also known as Rainbow Phoenix Srinivananda :) ) is well illustrated in a very clear and pithy way. I think where I found myself not totally buying in was the description of Rena’s body, with her red hair and the “sundress clinging to her curves” — my personal preference would be to imagine Rena’s appearance or have it described by someone in the story.
Ahhh, so nice to be back, and such a fine post to return to!
I must admit that I was a bit concerned when Virginia’s name changed to something else. I must have read that part five times before I had to reluctantly concede that you’d missed this somehow! :-p
So, you meant to leave it in, huh? That’s your story, and you’re sticking to it? That’s what I’d say too. I’d even pretend that it was a deliberate artistic choice like… well, okay, that this story is taking place on a quantum level. It’s happening in multiple dimensions at once, only with certain small details changed. Yeah, I’ll go with that…
I hope someone continues your story (preferably you), because I think I hate Marc’s smug gittiness already, and I want to see him get what’s coming to him. Perhaps Rena’s carnelian will make it happen? Yup, I’m quick to judge sometimes. Perhaps he’ll surprise me.
Tony Single´s last [type] ..Nudging Forty
Hi Chris.
Nice to see you here! You’re right on with your analogy!! Hey, thanks for your comment about Rena’s description. I love what you’ve said. It falls into the whole “show don’t tell” aspect.
It’s interesting to know that you would have preferred to have imagined Rena’s appearance. Not long ago, I was reading a post by an author who noted that these kinds of details change even when he is reading his own story. His character’s appearance changed for him. The idea of his post was that a story is created by the reader, not the writer. I appreciate your feedback very much. Thank you!
Hi Tony.
And it’s nice to see you here too! Welcome back.
I’m glad you enjoyed this. LOL, I’m laughing as I’m reading your comment about Virginia’s name changing. Hehehe. We could run with the whole quantum level if you would like that. Might get us both lost in the story. It definitely fits with the theme I was going with! He just might get what’s coming to him. I surely hope I can write this one. I’ve got about 4 stories in the works right now!