Life is not always fair

Sometimes we are taken advantage of. Sometimes we do all the right things, but still lose. Sometimes we act cautiously and end up getting hurt anyway.

Why do the perceived innocent suffer? Because the ego steps in to save FACE with Fear, Attachment, Control and Entitlement.

These four motives are what cause our suffering in the first place. The upkeep of the ego demands tremendous energy. While we are distracted by it and serving it, we are denying ourselves. Keeping our cool separates us from the reality of what is happening. It freezes our aliveness.

Mindful connections

When we are being mindful we are revealing our true nature. We are distinct beings, yet our ego can easily convince us this is all we are. But we are more than that — we are interconnected with each other.

We help one another and ourselves through empathic presence: listening to each others’ “story” with the five A’s — attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. We allow ourselves to be present with what IS without adding or editing or resisting.

“… when a feeling state or an immediate experience is granted a hearing in full safety, something wonderfully opening happens. A shift occurs automatically. Once someone experiences a self-validating moment to the full, an inner permission to let go and move on is granted from deep in the psyche. Bearings are gained when the pilot has an honest view of where the ship is, no matter how lost or off course. …Anything but Yes is a handicap.” — David Richo

Yes is a mindful reply to unfairness

Through empathic presence we experience an unconditional Yes, the key to moving beyond the ego, beyond victimhood. Embracing curiosity keeps us present in what IS rather than rejecting it for our preferred version.

Feeling empathy will help us to experience our reality beyond the illusion we have created. We’ll find that the outcome is never as severe as the illusions we create. As Govinda, Hundu sage says, “We are transformed by what we accept.”

You can also embrace mindfulness with your breath by practicing this affirmation from the Breathe Easy Deck that was published earlier this week.

“I breathe in the realization that I am not my name, nor what I do for a living. I am filled with the knowledge that I am a soul traveling onward. I breathe out the illusion of being separate from All-There-Is.”

This is the final post in this Positively Breathing series. I hope you have enjoyed the journey.

The above material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

No questions this time. Just keep breathing — positively!

Feel free to share your comments though. Let’s dance…

Photo Credit: Saital

Treat me nice

People are not loving and loyal to us all the time. We don’t act loving and loyal towards others all the time. It’s a simple fact of life. And, our egos are praying “please like me”, whether we are aware of it or not.

We subconsciously believe that we deserve to be treated well by everyone, all the time.

Some people will dislike us, lie, be hypocritical and break promises. We may feel betrayed, cheated and unworthy. We may even seek revenge.

With awareness and practice, we can come to accept this simple fact of life… that no one person was ever loved or treated respectfully by everyone.

The cycle can be broken — we will feel less unworthy and seek less revenge.  When we can accept this fact of life, we will be less likely to allow the actions of others to determine our self-worth.

4 signs the ego has surfaced

When we feel hurt by another person it could be that our ego has reared its “entitled and demanding head”.

If you hear yourself thinking the following, you are hearing your ego loud and clear.

1. I need to be able to control how other people react to me.
2. I am afraid that if everyone doesn’t accept and love me, I will not survive.
3. I am attached to my idea of who I am as a person.
4. I am entitled to being treated lovingly by everyone.

How can we be true to ourselves and co-exist with our egos, plus all the liars, cheats and hypocrites in this world? Accept the reality of what we “see” as our inadequacies and those of other people.

Find it in yourself

David Richo says,

“As we kindly accept the reality of others’ inadequacy, our own needs begin to change. We no longer need what cannot be had. …we reduce our unrealistic expectations…”

In his book The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, he says…

“Find it in yourself means finding it in the part of you that is committed to engaging in spiritual practices, not in the needy part of you that comes to the fore during a crisis or in desperation. You can learn to trust that there is a sane, wise, and nurturant resource within you. In fact, the more you know what you really want, the less desperately you need it. This happens because your self-esteem, confidence, and clarity grow.”

He gives a few suggestions about how to do this. I have listed (in part and condensed from my perspective), three of the eight tips from his book.

1. Say Yes to ourselves. Notice where your deepest values and wishes are, and follow them with an engaged focus. This practice of trying new things will encourage you to accept yourself as you are, while appreciating and valuing yourself completely.

2. See others as fellow pilgrims. Other people cannot complete you. They are not meant to give you comfort or answers — the shrine is in your own heart.

3. Make contact with nature in different ways every day. Nature is the mother of a sense of belonging, and that is a sense of self.

What else can you do to nurture that wise resource within yourself?

Practice this affirmation from the Breathe Easy Deck and the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber.

“I breathe in tolerance for the weaknesses I see in others and in myself. I am filled with the realization that life is fragile. I breathe out all of my expectations.”

*The above material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

On Sunday Affirmation 4 will be published here. The topic for the last affirmation in this series is Soul.

How committed are you to being self-nurturant? What works for you?

How many ways can you think of to say Yes to yourself today?

Photo Credit: Paha. Purchased from Dreamstime.com and used with permission. Illegal download and usage not allowed.

Beyond our control

On the night of October 13, 1937, a high school girl named Doris Van Kappelhoff was involved in a serious car accident. Her injuries curtailed her plans to go to Hollywood to become a dancer.

While recuperating, Doris practiced singing along with female vocalists on the radio. Her perseverance and training paid off when she was hired to sing in a band and soon after, she found parts in movies. Eventually, she changed her name to Doris Day.

This tragic event altered her original plans, leading her in another direction where she found her true calling. I wonder now, putting all obvious discomfort aside, how “tragic” this event really was. Although life does not always go according to our plans, it doesn’t have to leave us feeling crestfallen either.

Doris was committed to dealing with what happened — she made the best of it. Living with life’s conditions in an allowing way is a healthy, mature perspective.

The nature of humility

Things do not always go according to plan. This evokes the archetype of synchronicity and meaningful coincidences. Because our ego insists that things always go our way, we might initially react to disappointment with defiance — fear and desire, debate and blame.

This is in resistance to conditions as they are, and causes suffering. Allowing things to unfold as they will takes humble surrender. This is where nature meets us — humility makes us closer to the earth. The word humility comes from the word humus and goes beyond mere modesty.

Humility is the virtue that helps us when we feel in a state of powerlessness — it tunes our awareness to our reality.

“Nothing is ever complete or finished. Everything is a work in progress, especially ourself.”
- David Richo

Breathe Easy — I am floating

We make plans, generally expecting to be in control of what will happen. However, we are challenged by life’s “mind of its own” and have to learn to let go of having things come out our way.

We act with precision, commitment and self-discipline, expecting life to reward us for our efforts. Yet, discipline and perfect control is the best way to miss out on the joy of life.

If you’ve been working with Affirmation 2 (below) this week, you’ve already been practicing letting go of your attachment to outcomes. Again, it’s all about going with the flow.

“I breathe in the stillness that quiets my worries and the pressures of time. I am filled with the certainty that I will act correctly when the time is right. I breathe out my attachment to outcomes.”

*With the exception of the above affirmation, this material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them — available from the Amazon link in the sidebar.

On Sunday, Affirmation 3 will be published from the Breathe Easy Deck and the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber.

The topic for Affirmation 3 is Reflection.

Has life ever dealt you a new hand that lead you in a completely different direction? Looking back now, can you see how this altered your life?

How flexible are you with your plans?

Do you notice coincidences? How have they played out in your life?

Photo Credit: Clairity

Control is the opposite of Yes

We are powerless to stop unwelcome change in our lives. The idea of unwelcome change ignites our imaginations and we habitually conjure up fearful and painful possibilities.

Human beings naturally avoid pain and move towards pleasure. But we seem to put more effort into avoiding the pain than creating the pleasure. Even pleasure itself becomes a way to hide from pain.

Accepting that we can’t control change in our lives is the first step to relaxing and freeing ourselves from worry.

We try to control because we want to avoid feeling pain. If everything turns out the way we would like, we feel safe. We don’t have to worry about anything.

We worry because we are afraid of failure. And yet failure humbles us and points us in a new direction… if we allow it.

We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens, or that what happens will be for the best.

5 ways to practice Yes

Worrying and trying to stay in control of what will happen is avoiding reality. This is our way of saying No and keeping ourselves stuck in a fearful place. We feel helpless and powerless.

We worry because we have not yet said Yes to the givens in life. By saying Yes we reconnect with our ability to make positive choices. We stop resisting.

There are 5 ways to say Yes and bring choice back into our lives.

1. Say yes to our imperfections — pass on the judgments
2. Say yes to our mistakes — give permission to try new things
3. Say yes to our experience — observe opportunities for growth
4. Say yes to our reality — be here now, not tomorrow or yesterday
5. Say yes to curiosity — relax the attachment to outcomes

We can shift our perspective from controlling who we are to being curious about who we could be.

“We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief that we have control.”
- David Richo

*The above material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them — available from the Amazon link in the sidebar.

Breathe Easy — I am in the flow

How do you know when you are resisting the flow? Check out your posture. Are you hunched over your keyboard or steering wheel like you are in a race?

Are your hands relaxed or are your fingers curled into a fist? Is your jaw clenched, or your tongue pressed against the roof of your mouth? What about that tension in your shoulders? Are you holding your breath?

When you notice these symptoms remember the affirmation for Flow. Focus on the words and relax your breathing.

Go ahead.

“I breathe in the ability to go with the flow. I am filled with the confidence that I will be carried to exactly where I should be. I breathe out my desire to control everyone and everything.”

If you’ve been working with this affirmation this week you’ve already been practicing saying Yes!

On Sunday, the next affirmation will be published from the Breathe Easy Deck and the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber.

The topic for Affirmation 2 is Floating. In the meantime, keep breathing and go with the flow.

What do you notice about yourself when you are resisting the flow?

What are you afraid of?

How do you manage your fears?

Note: This affirmation has been used with permission and cannot be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Photo Credit: Muha