Working with relationship

Last week I introduced you to an exercise I call “Working with the Third Entity” — being with relationship. You can practice this when you are feeling confused, helpless or angry about a seemingly hopeless situation involving yourself and another person.

This exercise acknowledges that even the relationship itself has needs. It supports you in your process in the sense that you feel less reactive and more responsive.

After you go through the role-playing exercise, you clarify your needs and communicate them to the other person. You take the time to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. And finally, in Phase 3 you give audience to the relationship (the space) between both of you.

The relationship seed

To represent the relationship the object I chose to work with was a pen; it just happened to be the closest thing to me. This pen was placed on the floor between the chair where I was sitting and the chair where I imagined the other person was sitting.

Symbolically, the pen represented a seed that had just been planted in the earth. When you do your exercise your symbolism will be different; at the time a seed was what my imagination showed me.

Because I love gardening and have strong memories of digging in the earth and weeding a vegetable garden as a child, this holds a strong connection for me. I love the smell of the earth and taking care of gardens. This enabled me to really step into this ‘story’.

I asked questions of the relationship as if it were sitting there in front of me. What did the seed need to have happen AND why? The process gave me a way to feel guided and not hopeless. I was more open minded, listening and aware — ready to be a part of the process in any way I could help. Just like tending a garden.

Tuning in to consider what the seed needed helped me to be more clear about what actions to take or not take. It helped me to step outside of my own entitlement… out of the reach of the ego. I created a list of ways I could support the process itself, without being concerned about whether I would get what I thought I wanted.

Taking the time to create a story, by setting the stage and moving out of ‘my story’ and into the bigger story, I invited in the listening. I won’t say that by doing this process you will get what you want — are you prepared for that? You will see new possibilities. You will move out of the charged emotional reaction and be able to make responsible decisions.

So, what did the seed need?

It needed room to grow. Big surprise eh? LOL. Yes, maybe… and… seeds have an innate nature; they already know what they have to do to grow, so my job was to be near to tend the garden as needed.

The soil I saw in my story was freshly tilled; dark and moist. I could almost smell that sweet earthy smell. I didn’t have to worry about feeding the seed or watering it. Nature would take care of that. I simply needed to stand by and watch for any weeds that might grow.

I considered what I could do to prevent weeds from growing; what actions I might take that might represent a weed; what actions I might take that might represent nurturing the seed.

I had no idea even what seed had been planted, other than the fact that it was something that would feed me… if it matured.

Maybe the seed wouldn’t grow. I could accept that strangely enough, when I was aware that it wasn’t all about me. The key was to trust that for now the seed was there.

I knew there was something bigger than I that needed my attention and support. What did the seed need most of all — even more than weed control? The sun.

It needed me to not block its sun. When you get in the way of the sun, you cast shadows.

Photo Credit: Davina Haisell

Relationship changes everything

We’ve all encountered people and situations that challenge us. Situations we cannot control, where we might feel frustrated, angry, confused or helpless.

There is something you can do to step away from the trap of personalizing things. I call it Working with the Third Entity… the relationship itself.

You’ve probably heard people say things like, “This is bigger than the both of us”, or “I feel lost in this.” There is always something bigger going on when two people come together; more than what each of them bring to the situation.

You must have noticed interesting synchronicities, déjà vus, or surprising disappointments that are out of your control. This is very alive and when you acknowledge this you begin to see things from a new, less reactive perspective. It’s not all about you.

So, realize that there is you, the other person AND the relationship. Whether the relationship is with family, a colleague, a friend, or romantic in nature, you have needs, the other person has needs and the relationship itself has needs.

You and I

Step outside of the drama and work with relationship, by practicing the following exercise:

Place two chairs so they are facing each other. Sit in one chair and imagine the other person is sitting in the other chair.

Now, speak to the other person about what you want to have happen. Surprisingly, you might realize you weren’t even clear yourself about what you wanted to have happen, or why you even wanted it!

Once you are clear, tell the other person why you want this to happen. When you’re finished, switch places and speak from the other person’s point of view. Pretend you are the other person and they are talking to you.

Allow them to tell you what they need to have happen AND why (don’t forget the ‘why’). You won’t always know of course, but use your imagination. What would you want if you were them?

Return to your seat and place an object between yourself and the empty chair; a book, a pen, a stuffed animal, etc. This represents the relationship or situation you’re involved in. Choose a metaphor/symbol to represent this relationship and its role in the exercise.

The relationship speaks

Tune in to the symbol that is the relationship. Ask the relationship what it needs to have happen AND why. This is the best part, because your insights will surprise and delight you.

You may find yourself connecting with the innate human nature to protect the vulnerability that is the relationship; the relationship that has no agenda but to expand of its own nature.

You may feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders. You may suddenly have an idea about the right thing to do, or what not to do.

When you work with metaphors, sit back and watch the magic. The story or relationship will take on a life of its own. You’ll want the story to work out for everyone involved — let’s face it, we all love a happy ending.

Through this process you will find contentment in knowing that you don’t always get what you think you want. You’ll let go of entitlement.

I believe conflicts arise with people, because they are not considering everyone involved, they are not realizing that something bigger is going on. When you’re with relationship, it’s bigger than the both of you.

In my next post called “Don’t Block the Sun”, I will share how this process helped me to understand that I am only a part of the process. It is not all about me.

If you’re intrigued by this process and would like someone to guide you through it, I’m quite happy to be there for that. We can go through the process and come up with an action plan: things you will decide to do and not to do.

There are still some life coaching hours available in the promotion I announced a couple of months ago. In the meantime, stay tuned for my next post.

Photo Credit: Davina Haisell

Lazy or not?

For many, laziness is a less than desirable state: you’re not accomplishing anything, you’re wasting talent and time. “I feel so lazy,” I’ve heard people say, as if just by saying it they will escape the frustration and guilt.

But when you feel lazy what is really happening?

1. Do you deny it?
2. Are you just discouraged because everything you have tried has failed? Why bother anymore?
3. You might seem lazy but are actually depressed or burnt out.
4. Are you just plain overwhelmed with your to-do list and are procrastinating out of sheer frustration?
5. Are you afraid to be successful?

Could it be that your self-imposed judgment of laziness is an attempt to sabotage fun?

It is hard not to get caught up in the pursuit of survival and escape the momentum of “have to” or “should”. We push ourselves too hard and out of desperation for comfort and relief, we turn to tv, drugs, alcohol; we overwork ourselves or we overeat, etc.

We don’t give ourselves full permission to take a break. We have forgotten how.

Laziness is a state of mind

Sleep in. Spend most of the day in your pajamas. Not everyone is comfortable with this idea. By the end of that type of day they find themselves looking back on all the time they have wasted, even though they were doing something they enjoyed.

The to-do list is remembered. Overwhelm sets in as memories of everything that should have been done come flooding to mind.

A friend of mine has a dream that involves driving down the west coast in their jeep with their dog sitting beside them. Yet, this same person feels guilty when they take time to just do “nothing”.

I wonder what would happen if their dream did come true. They’re driving down the coast in their jeep, with their canine friend by their side. With the sun on their face and the wind in their hair they feel carefree. Can you picture this?

What would happen to this dream if those judgmental “I’m being lazy” thoughts surfaced?

Can you get used to making a CHOICE about what you are doing with your time? Remember which of the above categories you fall into so you can make the choice about how to shift your gears.

Ask for help if you need it. Take some time to recharge your batteries. Give yourself permission to relax and enjoy life. Raise the bar above laziness.

What does a typical lazy day look like for you?

How comfortable are you with taking time off?

Photo credit: Laura Brunow Miner

“I don’t want to be coached”

The other day a friend sent me a short email to ask how things were going. I told them I was feeling frustrated by not being able to get to the “juicy” things I had planned for that day. There had been too many distractions. Sometimes that’s just life.

It had been a day that in my mind, I was going to take off. But that clearly was not meant to be. So, I took care of what I had to do but admittedly, with a less than appreciative attitude.

My good-natured friend responded by asking “What WOULD you like to have happen today?” and “What does JUICY look like?”

Some of you might recognize these questions as being life coach typical. Well, I was surprised by my instant distaste at the idea of jumping into the “coaching pond.” I didn’t want to be coached. Me… a life coach!

So, I wrote back:

“Honestly, I’m not open to coaching today but I can meet you for a cup of tea just to connect. I actually feel resentment about the idea of being coached for some reason. Not that I don’t appreciate your genuine interest to offer some guidance. I am well, just ‘journeying’ and want to keep the oven door closed for the time being.”

My friend and I had a wonderful visit and enjoyed spontaneous, free-flowing conversation; just two humans connecting with no agenda other than to connect.

Keeping it real

I was being honest about how I was feeling and damn it felt good. I was not passing judgment on my friend and we both understood where each other was coming from. I didn’t feel the pressure of having to keep my “stuff” tightly capped.

This helped release the judgment I was making on myself about how “This is NEGATIVE and MUST change”. That alone was enough to shift the mood from black to a light shade of grey.

Honesty really is the best policy because we both learned from this. My friend later shared with me how they have a tendency to “rescue” people. I have that tendency too and this was my chance to experience it from another perspective.

Life gets uncomfortable when we suddenly recognize behaviours that aren’t working and ways of thinking that don’t serve us anymore. We know more about what we don’t want. The ego wants to hold on for dear life, but we choose to let go, piece by piece.

“Do not judge yourself when you are dying to ways that no longer fit.”
Devrah Laval

I didn’t want to be the object of conversation. I realized that all I wanted was the permission to be with how I was feeling. I didn’t want to try to fix anything. There was no problem to be solved and no goal to be set. “Why coach the grass to grow?” I wondered.

Coaching is there when I choose to be coached; when I actually want to water the lawn or shape the hedges. The point is, a person can make the choice to do what they want to do with where they are at. Sometimes a person just has to drive through a dark tunnel to get to greener pastures. It’s not good or bad. It’s just living life.

What do you know more about: what you want, or what you don’t want?

What DOES juicy look like to you? :-)

Photo Credit: ff137

Real life wisdom for modern life growth

Today I’m sharing another superb guest poster with you: Shamelle, the author of Enhance Life.

Shamelle writes a blog that offers advice and tips on actionable personal development based on incidental gleanings. The tagline at Enhance Life is “Real life wisdom for modern life growth”.

Her intention is to share simple practices that she finds useful, for personal development. Her posts are filled with practical tips that can be used to support everyday challenges. Reading the titles of these posts makes me want to read more:

12 Words And Phrases That Automatically Kill Your Self Image

Is Heavy Thinking Ruining Your Life?

Expectations: Is It A Human Weakness?

Okay Shamelle, the floor is yours….

How do you feel about asking for help?

I work in the software development field, and there have been numerous occasions, where I have been hesitant to ask for help. I wanted to “try things myself”; show that I am independent.

Early in my career, I got into a lot of trouble because of this. The more I wanted to experiment myself, the more the work was delayed. Luckily for me, I had a great manager who pointed out that my lack of asking for help was damaging my career.

To some, asking for help is so frightening that even when faced with death, they will still not ask for that helping hand! Have you come across situations where you were reluctant to ask for help, because you gave into any of these myths?:

7 common myths about asking for help

Myth 1: “They won’t help, so I won’t ask for help.”
In life, even a negative response provides an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your relationships. All of us experience “no” in our lives, but I have found “no” becoming “yes” with the right approach when asking for advice and help.

Myth 2: “If I ask for help from others I might be perceived as weak.”
Every one of us needs to seek the advice and help of others, especially in chaotic times. And by seeking advice and help, we demonstrate a strength rather than a weakness.

Myth 3: “Asking for help will make me look vulnerable.”
Asking for help creates an atmosphere of empowerment for the parties involved. It communicates to others that, while you may not have the answers, you are willing to find them and make things better.

Myth 4: “Successful people don’t ask for help.”
Successful individuals will tell you that the key to success is knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Learning how to delegate, asking for help and letting others show you the way are part of the plan. Successful people are driven and motivated, and when the going gets tough the tough ask for help!

Myth 5: “If I ask for help, I will be bothering others.”
Doing it all can do you in. Being too self-sufficient can create stress levels that tip your physical, emotional and spiritual scales.

Myth 6: “Asking for help will tarnish my independent self image.”
With practice, you’ll learn to be comfortable when others help you. And before long, you’ll come to realize that you deserve a helping hand every now and then.

Think of a time when you were worried that you might lose some of your independence if you asked for help. What were the circumstances then? Did you ask anyway?

Myth 7: “If I ask for help, I will be expected to return the favor.”
The truly valuable advice and help will come without any strings attached. Your only obligation, which is simply good manners, is to deliver a sincere thank you to those who give you advice or help you in some way.

As I mentioned before, I’ve never been one to ask for help. I would always just “do it myself” but I’m learning that asking for help is part of the “giving and receiving” of the Universe.

It does feel good to help someone else. We should allow others the good feelings from helping us! So, take a risk and “make the ask”!

Do you normally resist asking for help, or only ask when it’s the last resort?

Have you ever not asked for help and then wished you had?

Photo credit: JeffKward

It’s all about change

“Old beliefs are ready to crumble after a time of stillness. The dust settles. You emerge reborn, with a stronger sense of clarity and strength of purpose.”
– Davina

I never thought I’d EVER say this, but I’m taking a blogging break, my friends. Did I just see some rolling of the eyes? Friar, was that you?

After almost nine months of blogging pregnancy, hormone changes, late nights and early mornings, growing pains and stretch marks, I’m about to give birth. To what? To my senses.

For me personally, I’ve allowed blogging to take over my life.

Last June, I jumped into blogging with gusto and “just did it” — like you hear it said so often. “Just do it!” That’s not always the best advice.

I had no idea what I was getting into and how much time was involved. I didn’t have a plan. I’ve allowed blogging to throw my life out of balance.

So, I’m stepping away. Taking a break. Deciding who I am as a blogger. Re-establishing priorities.

In the meantime, my focus will continue to be on working with my coaching clients, proofreading and editing, and producing ebooks. Just less blogging.

Thanks to everyone who has continued to support my blog. I love you guys! I’ve loved being here, connecting with you and reading your blogs. I will miss that, but I will be back… when the dust settles.

Upcoming interview — virtual game for kids

I promised a friend an interview and that is still going to happen — very soon. Her name is Lisa and we embarked on our entrepreneurial journey together last year. Her business plan involved the development of a virtual world for kids, called my myfrog^™.

myfrog is a secure, safe site where kids create a frog character that will preserve and protect their world, Frog Hollow. Set up your own treehouse, jump in the pond with other frogs, and chat to your frog friends with your own chat mail. Your frog will also be taking care of the environment, making sure that their world is protected from things like pollution and climate change.

Frogs are very sensitive creatures and when the environment is stressed, frogs show physical changes before any other animal. Taking care of your frog’s habitat means that your frog will live a healthy life.

The animation and graphics on myfrog are lively, bright and colourful. I signed up and chose a name for my frog character to play the free introductory game.

Have a look at Lisa’s myfrog home page. If you have any questions, please share and we’ll do our best to answer your questions in the interview.

What would you like to know about Lisa and the virtual world of myfrog?

Photo credit: Whotheheckareyou’s Photostream

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