There are still a couple of posts left in the “Muse in May” series. She likes it here….

Like a straight jacket

Once upon a time, the muse, Meryl and I had an interesting dialogue about feeling trapped and uninspired.

Transformation of a binding mental picture happened naturally through our exploration. This is why I enjoy coaching with metaphors; I love watching how ‘the story’ transforms.

This is an example of Symbolic Modeling; one of three coaching methods I use. Note that coaching isn’t necessarily about solving a problem; it is about letting the information emerge.

That process alone opens doors to new perspectives… new perspectives where the ‘problem’ may not even exist. When we get too hung up on solving problems we create expectations of how things ‘should’ be.

This is based on an actual practice session I did with myself, just for the fun of it. Though I added descriptive filler, the questions and answers are in original sequence.

“What would you like to have happen, Meryl?” I asked. Sunlight was filtered behind the bedroom curtains that were stirring gently in the morning breezes.

Meryl sighed. “I’m not inspired and feel like I’m wasting time lying around this morning. I feel frustrated because I can’t seem to break this pattern.”

“And that pattern is like what?” I was perched on the edge of the bed, my feet dangling. I felt eight years old again. Asking questions.

“The pattern is like a straight jacket.” Meryl sat up and stared at me, quite purposefully with arms folded tightly across her chest. The blankets tugged under me and I shifted position to let them loose.

I folded my arms across my chest and stared back at Meryl. “Oh. And the pattern is like a straight jacket.” I repeated. “And when the pattern is like a straight jacket, what kind of straight jacket is that straight jacket?”

Uncovering the truth

Meryl closed her eyes. Tightly. Arms were still folded across her chest. I waited. “That straight jacket is wrapped around me. Tight. I feel helpless and trapped.”

Her eyes opened and there were tears there. “I feel like I’m being held against my will; that I have no choice.”

“When you feel like you are being held against your will and that you have no choice, then what happens?” I asked.

“I stop trying.”

“You stop trying. Where could the trying come from?”

“The trying comes from my heart.” Meryl was relaxing. My feet were still dangling.

I wondered, “When you’re trying from your heart, then what happens?”

“I feel like I have a purpose. I feel powerful. Playful. There is action and moving forward.” Meryl’s arms were still folded across her chest, but rather loosely as she became more wrapped up in her thoughts.

Beyond the comfort zone

“How are you moving forward?”

The arms came away from her chest. “I feel my feet strong on the earth. I’m standing tall and my arms are swinging by my side.”

My feet stopped dangling. “When your feet are strong on the earth, you’re standing tall and your arms are swinging, how do you feel?”

“Free. Grounded.” Meryl was sitting up straighter than moments before.

I reminded her of the straight jacket. “What is the relationship between feeling trapped in the straight jacket before and feeling free and grounded now?”

There was an element of excitement in Meryl’s answer. “When I’m trapped in a straight jacket… I’m not really trapped!”

She paused and then continued as her realization carried on. “When I’m feeling trapped in a straight jacket it’s more that I’m protecting myself, I think.”

“And what are you protecting yourself from?”

There was a long pause. “No… I’m not protecting myself from anything either. The straight jacket makes me feel that I’m taken care of. That I’m safe.”

“When you feel safe, that’s safe like what?”

“Safe like I’m wrapped in a blanket.” Meryl stared at the blankets that were wrapped around her where she sat in bed.

Sometimes things aren’t always what they seem to be. We both smiled.

I stood and drew the curtains to let the sunshine stream in. Our day had begun.

Don’t believe every story you tell yourself.
If you don’t like the story you are telling yourself, rewrite it.

Photo Credit: Tamelyn

“If you don’t know the trees you may be lost in the forest, but if you don’t know the stories you may be lost in life.” ~ Siberian Elder

This will be one of my longer posts, so grab a coffee and sit back and relax… It is still part of the Muse in May series; you will see how that applies at the end.

The blue robe

Saturday morning, 10:30. The fridge was running. I wanted to unplug it. Its constant humming sound was almost mocking me. Just me sitting at the kitchen table in my blue robe. Just me, feeling blue.

“Should I blog about this?” I wondered. Air my bleeding heart to the world; to my readers, colleagues and prospective clients? Why the hell not? But what is THIS?

THIS had been hanging around for weeks. Clinging. It was May 15th and I still hadn’t painted my toenails. THIS was needing attention and I’d been avoiding IT. IT wasn’t going anywhere. And for that matter, neither was I. I was miserable, stuck, uninspired and yes, depressed.

“So, what now?” I wondered.

The BlockBuster

I searched through my coaching notes and found an exercise I have re-branded as “The BlockBuster”. Going through this process reveals the story we are telling ourselves. It is divided into six sections where you ask yourself or your client, six different questions repeatedly.

You navigate the space around and between yourself and the issue or block. I decided to employ this process to how I was feeling. What can I say; I’m committed to learning and trying to understand Me.

Begin by writing or drawing on a piece of paper to illustrate how you are feeling or what you are thinking. The picture above represents how I was feeling; like a small, insignificant spot.

What do you know about that?

I asked myself what I knew about how I was feeling, six times. To keep this post as short as possible, I won’t repeat the questions; imagine that between each answer the same question is asked. I have listed each answer in succession, unedited.

Question 1: “What do you know about that?”
1. It’s a point
2. It’s a hole
3. It’s lost
4. It’s sharp
5. It’s beginning
6. It’s strong

To finish this section you ask, “And what do you know now?”

1. It loves me

Yah, yah, I know that might sound flaky to some readers but that is what came to me. Be honest with yourself in this process and go with the flow. Don’t filter yourself. Notice your posture and anything else about how you are acting or feeling, or where you are looking, even. Make note of it and let it lead you.

Write down your answers, silly or not. Notice the lights that turn on for you, or the frustration at answering the same questions over and over. Keep chipping away at the “Block”. Persevere. There is a story there.

Question 2: “And what does that know about you?”
1. It sees me
2. I’m blank (I was feeling blank)
3. I don’t know
4. “Why is this so hard?” I wonder
5. I don’t want to know/see
6. I want to let go

“And what do you know now?”

1. I do want to know; I am ready.

Question 3: “And is there anything else about that?”

Sometimes this throws me. I wonder if the question should apply to the drawing, or to my last answer. Go where you feel you need to go. In this case I expanded on my answer to the last question.

1. I’m engaged
2. I’m on an adventure
3. I’m making it hard
4. I’m impatient
5. I want to know now
6. I’m done with this

“And what do you know now?”

1. I’m NOT done with this!

Question 4: “And where could that have come from?”

I returned my focus to the smallness I was feeling, illustrated by my picture.

1. Not knowing
2. Being innocent
3. Trusting
4. Wanting to have fun
5. Wanting to love something
6. I don’t fucking know!

“And what do you know now?”

1. Nothing different!

Question 5: “And then what can happen?”

Back to focus on the answer to the last question.

1. Nothing
2. Nothing
3. Nothing
4. I don’t know
5. I feel anger
6. The anger will shift gears! Ooooh… light goes on…

“And what do you know now?”

1. I’m worthy of my feelings. Anger has its place. Anger will serve me here.

I realized I hadn’t allowed myself to feel angry about this.

Question 6: “And is there anything else about that?”

Focus on the drawing again.

1. I have been playing small
2. I have been selling out on what is important to me
3. I have been asking for permission to be me
4. I don’t have to ask for permission to be me
5. Respect starts with SELF!!!
6. When I have respect, anger is not necessary

“And what do you know now?”

1. I will respect myself and in so doing, will be respecting the space around me and those who are in it. It all starts with me.

What do you know now?

My entire mood had shifted! I didn’t feel small. I didn’t need to get angry to move past the “block”. I understood how I had allowed it to come to be.

I hadn’t felt worthy of the choice I was making, so I made it from an unbalanced, subservient place; a small place.

“When I have respect, anger is not necessary.”

That got me to thinking how people become angry; they are feeling small and the anger makes them feel larger than life. All pumped up. Big and Worthy. But really, they are not coming from a place of respecting themselves. They need to employ the anger to be heard or be seen. But… they are not seeing themselves.

That is when a person acts blindly; when they are not seeing themselves. When they are not hearing their story or understanding their story.

After this process I felt triumphant, but then what? As a coach I knew it couldn’t stop there if I were to apply this to my own life. I gave myself some homework.

It’s all about me

I imagined what it would look like when a person respects themselves. I imagined them standing tall, acting purposefully, confidently and calmly.

I mused about how respect isn’t about “me first” and “you last”. It’s a natural process of being attentive. If I could make decisions from that place, the effects on the people in the space around me would be responsive rather than reactive. Just maybe.

Experience and learning can come with pain; we can’t avoid living and learning. The painful lessons are the ones you remember.

I pondered that when you are respecting yourself you don’t need approval from anyone else. You don’t need anger to get your message across.

I imagined that when you are acting out of respect for yourself there is an unspoken understanding between you and your space and whomever is in it at the time.

I considered that if there were reactions to my actions, when coming from a place of respect, I wouldn’t have the need to react to the reactions. This would give me more power to manage the situation and minimize the possibility for undesirable consequences.

My homework became a game of observation. To watch people. To observe who was respecting themselves and who wasn’t.

I appreciated how that would put me in a place of respecting JUST the space I was in. Listening to ITS story. Being ready to act, respectfully. Listening.

How does this apply to the Muse? You tell me.

What do you know about that?

The next post in this Muse in May series is entitled “Dial-1-2-1-Muse” and will be published on Wednesday, May 19th. It features a collection of answering machine messages you may hear when calling your muse, yet again! :-)

Working with relationship

Last week I introduced you to an exercise I call “Working with the Third Entity” — being with relationship. You can practice this when you are feeling confused, helpless or angry about a seemingly hopeless situation involving yourself and another person.

This exercise acknowledges that even the relationship itself has needs. It supports you in your process in the sense that you feel less reactive and more responsive.

After you go through the role-playing exercise, you clarify your needs and communicate them to the other person. You take the time to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. And finally, in Phase 3 you give audience to the relationship (the space) between both of you.

The relationship seed

To represent the relationship the object I chose to work with was a pen; it just happened to be the closest thing to me. This pen was placed on the floor between the chair where I was sitting and the chair where I imagined the other person was sitting.

Symbolically, the pen represented a seed that had just been planted in the earth. When you do your exercise your symbolism will be different; at the time a seed was what my imagination showed me.

Because I love gardening and have strong memories of digging in the earth and weeding a vegetable garden as a child, this holds a strong connection for me. I love the smell of the earth and taking care of gardens. This enabled me to really step into this ‘story’.

I asked questions of the relationship as if it were sitting there in front of me. What did the seed need to have happen AND why? The process gave me a way to feel guided and not hopeless. I was more open minded, listening and aware — ready to be a part of the process in any way I could help. Just like tending a garden.

Tuning in to consider what the seed needed helped me to be more clear about what actions to take or not take. It helped me to step outside of my own entitlement… out of the reach of the ego. I created a list of ways I could support the process itself, without being concerned about whether I would get what I thought I wanted.

Taking the time to create a story, by setting the stage and moving out of ‘my story’ and into the bigger story, I invited in the listening. I won’t say that by doing this process you will get what you want — are you prepared for that? You will see new possibilities. You will move out of the charged emotional reaction and be able to make responsible decisions.

So, what did the seed need?

It needed room to grow. Big surprise eh? LOL. Yes, maybe… and… seeds have an innate nature; they already know what they have to do to grow, so my job was to be near to tend the garden as needed.

The soil I saw in my story was freshly tilled; dark and moist. I could almost smell that sweet earthy smell. I didn’t have to worry about feeding the seed or watering it. Nature would take care of that. I simply needed to stand by and watch for any weeds that might grow.

I considered what I could do to prevent weeds from growing; what actions I might take that might represent a weed; what actions I might take that might represent nurturing the seed.

I had no idea even what seed had been planted, other than the fact that it was something that would feed me… if it matured.

Maybe the seed wouldn’t grow. I could accept that strangely enough, when I was aware that it wasn’t all about me. The key was to trust that for now the seed was there.

I knew there was something bigger than I that needed my attention and support. What did the seed need most of all — even more than weed control? The sun.

It needed me to not block its sun. When you get in the way of the sun, you cast shadows.

Photo Credit: Davina Haisell

Relationship changes everything

We’ve all encountered people and situations that challenge us. Situations we cannot control, where we might feel frustrated, angry, confused or helpless.

There is something you can do to step away from the trap of personalizing things. I call it Working with the Third Entity… the relationship itself.

You’ve probably heard people say things like, “This is bigger than the both of us”, or “I feel lost in this.” There is always something bigger going on when two people come together; more than what each of them bring to the situation.

You must have noticed interesting synchronicities, déjà vus, or surprising disappointments that are out of your control. This is very alive and when you acknowledge this you begin to see things from a new, less reactive perspective. It’s not all about you.

So, realize that there is you, the other person AND the relationship. Whether the relationship is with family, a colleague, a friend, or romantic in nature, you have needs, the other person has needs and the relationship itself has needs.

You and I

Step outside of the drama and work with relationship, by practicing the following exercise:

Place two chairs so they are facing each other. Sit in one chair and imagine the other person is sitting in the other chair.

Now, speak to the other person about what you want to have happen. Surprisingly, you might realize you weren’t even clear yourself about what you wanted to have happen, or why you even wanted it!

Once you are clear, tell the other person why you want this to happen. When you’re finished, switch places and speak from the other person’s point of view. Pretend you are the other person and they are talking to you.

Allow them to tell you what they need to have happen AND why (don’t forget the ‘why’). You won’t always know of course, but use your imagination. What would you want if you were them?

Return to your seat and place an object between yourself and the empty chair; a book, a pen, a stuffed animal, etc. This represents the relationship or situation you’re involved in. Choose a metaphor/symbol to represent this relationship and its role in the exercise.

The relationship speaks

Tune in to the symbol that is the relationship. Ask the relationship what it needs to have happen AND why. This is the best part, because your insights will surprise and delight you.

You may find yourself connecting with the innate human nature to protect the vulnerability that is the relationship; the relationship that has no agenda but to expand of its own nature.

You may feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders. You may suddenly have an idea about the right thing to do, or what not to do.

When you work with metaphors, sit back and watch the magic. The story or relationship will take on a life of its own. You’ll want the story to work out for everyone involved — let’s face it, we all love a happy ending.

Through this process you will find contentment in knowing that you don’t always get what you think you want. You’ll let go of entitlement.

I believe conflicts arise with people, because they are not considering everyone involved, they are not realizing that something bigger is going on. When you’re with relationship, it’s bigger than the both of you.

In my next post called “Don’t Block the Sun”, I will share how this process helped me to understand that I am only a part of the process. It is not all about me.

If you’re intrigued by this process and would like someone to guide you through it, I’m quite happy to be there for that. We can go through the process and come up with an action plan: things you will decide to do and not to do.

There are still some life coaching hours available in the promotion I announced a couple of months ago. In the meantime, stay tuned for my next post.

Photo Credit: Davina Haisell

Why I Became a Life Coach

This is why I became a life coach: because people are knobs and I like turning knobs. Before you take offense at this perceived judgment of mine, just bear with me. Let me explain.

“I like turning knobs” is the most bottom line statement I could come up with. It’s a perfect metaphor too. At first I thought it was because I like to help people and I’m a good listener. That’s only part of it.

I have an insatiable appetite to try to figure things out and life coaching provides endless opportunities to figure things out. But it’s not the life coach who does the figuring; it’s the client. It’s not the life coach who has all the answers; it’s the client. Only the client knows what is best for the client.

The life coach holds the space for the process to unfold and for the answers to be heard. Turning the knobs adjusts the tuning; it turns the volume up or down; it clears the static out of the way. Turning the knob creates the space and amplifies the listening.

The bottom line is that it’s about the process itself. It’s beyond getting answers or achieving goals; they are the byproduct of the process.

We are intelligent enough creatures with the resources to achieve our goals. We don’t need to be fixed. A lot of people come to coaching believing there is something “wrong” with them.

We can collect answers, build skills, practice communication and heal old wounds through choosing new perspectives. But in all honesty I’ve begun to see life coaching as entertainment. Seriously. Simply.

I believe that when we are entertained we are engaged. The trying stops. The fear of failure or even success, for that matter, stops. I never know what is going to be revealed in a coaching session. The spontaneity is the entertainment. It’s brilliant. We’re brilliant!

When we are entertained we are fully present in the listening. When that happens the barriers come down. We become more like children; experimenting, curious, playful… learning; not achieving. Learning.

Life Coaching for the Big Kidz

Children are pretty good at entertaining themselves. As most parents will agree, they are highly curious and eager to learn. But as we grow into adulthood we lose this way of being.

I’ve been working with a new process of life coaching where I encourage clients to work with metaphors. It is called Symbolic Modelling.

I love it! It is like a game where both coach and client are playing off each other. Only difference is that it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about the experience. That’s what life is anyway… experience.

Metaphors are the pictures that are worth a thousand words. Tiny packages that are chocked full of wisdom. Wisdom that is revealed to us as we go through the process.

During a Symbolic Modelling session I will repeat your words back to you in the exact manner you speak them, followed by a question. Repeating your words back to you lets you know you’ve been heard. As you hear the words reflected back to you, the knob turns. You begin to adjust your channel.

You receive prompts from within yourself. It’s like an artist doing a painting or a writer writing a book. They have something they want to express; something inside that needs to be let out. Through the process of symbolic modelling, information is revealed, packed in the form of metaphors; pictures that tell a story.

During Symbolic Modelling clients actually sit back and watch the pictures being revealed to them. They don’t have to try. It just happens. And in that allowing of the process to unfold is where the information is revealed. It’s where you step into your process; your movie.

It doesn’t happen overnight. It happens gradually; in a way that we can grow with it and not control it. Like we are captured by a good movie or a good book. You’ll notice that the process continues between coaching sessions as you find yourself more open and engaged in your thoughts.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Special Promotion

Starting on March 1st my goal is to accumulate 100 hours of coaching using Symbolic Modelling. The first 25 hours will be free of charge. The next 25 hours will be at a reduced rate and so on in groups of 25 hours, until the quota of 100 hours has been reached.

After 100 hours of coaching, regular rates will apply. Long distance phone charges are paid by the client.

The first 25 hours are on a first come, first served basis and cannot be booked as a package. Only one session can be booked at a time and each client can book a maximum of three free sessions over the period of one month. Contact Davina if you are interested.

I hope you’re ready to be entertained; to hear your story. You are after all, the star :-D

Photo Credit: Klaireebearr

Stressed? Running in circles?

Ian was sitting across from me at my kitchen table. “The Round Table”, I call it fondly, in reference to King Arthur’s famed table. As its name suggests this table has no head, implying that everyone sitting around the table has equal status. Every voice is heard.

Ian was helping me use Symbolic Modelling, otherwise known as Metaphor Inquiry. We had been coaching around the stress I had been feeling and how it was manifesting in my life.

Earlier in our session I realized that I had allowed myself to become captivated by a metaphor; one of my own design. My stress had manifested as a lump in my throat, symbolic of me not fully expressing myself.

But there was still more I wanted to explore. I was sitting quietly with my thoughts and Ian waited. He was listening to the space around us; tuning in to the intuitive messages that were directing our session.

“What are you noticing now?” He inquired of my silence after a minute had passed.

It was like I had stepped outside of myself and was watching a vision of my current life. My answer was very clear: “I am running in circles.”

What else?

I felt a strong connection to what I called a “madman” chasing me. I was always a few steps ahead of him, but I was getting tired.

Because I was running, I was not focused or making clear choices about where I was going. There’s no telling how much I was missing while moving blindly at this rate of speed.

I repeated myself, “I am running in circles. This madman, no wait…” This image, now that I was actually focusing on it, had changed. “He’s not a madman after all, he’s a joker.”

“What does he want?”

“He just wants to talk; to be heard.” I was surprised by this. Subconsciously, I had been running from “something”, when all I needed to do was stop and connect with what I was running from.

What we run from can serve us if we trust ourselves. After all, what we are running from is of our own creation. I talked more about this energy that was chasing me. Where I felt it physically and how draining it was mentally and emotionally.

When the metaphor shifted from the madman to the joker, my fear lessened. I had stopped running, but it was still following me.

“What are you going to do now?”

The enchanting joker

I remembered my vision of fulfillment; the cabin with an enchanting wooden porch. I visualized myself there, thinking that if I didn’t stop running I might never find this place.

I saw myself relaxing, sitting on that deck drinking in the sunshine and sipping tea. I was feeling the energy of the joker more strongly now. This energy could serve me well, I knew that now.

I felt playful and ridiculous at the same time. I looked at Ian, smirking like a child who’s about to tell a secret.

“I’m going to invite this joker to tea.” I envisioned this joker and myself relaxing on my enchanted deck, sharing some good conversation.

Ian smiled back at me. “How is this different from the running?”

I was very aware of Ian sitting across from me, listening in silence. He was holding the space for the story to be told. It was as if I could hear the space around us — listening.

I reflected on how different this was from running. “I feel more grounded. I wasn’t being chased at all. It’s just that I was moving so fast I had lost sight of trust. Things seem tougher and we feel we have to try harder when we aren’t trusting.”

“What is the joker’s purpose?”

“To support me as a sounding board; to help me explore other perspectives so I don’t box myself in to any one possibility. And besides, they say in a game of cards that the joker is wild; it is the unknown and you can make it whatever you want.

On a side note: Come to think of it, it was mad that I was running from the unknown into the unknown, and not knowing it. Who was the real madman in this scenario anyway?

“What action are you inspired to take in the future when you feel yourself running in circles?” Ian asked.

There I was again, sitting on that deck sipping tea with the joker. I looked at Ian. He knew what I was going to say. “I will invite the joker for tea.” Just taking the time and making the space to connect and listen will move you forward without running.

I was again aware of the round table and feeling our intuitive energies playing off of each other. Messages were circulating and being heard, just as it should be at the Round Table. No one was running in circles.

Do you sometimes find yourself seemingly running in circles?

What are you running from?

Have you ever stopped to ask it what it wants?

Photo credit: Abstracts.tv

For more information on how the Metaphor Inquiry process applies to my life coaching services please visit crimsoncompass.ca