There are still a couple of posts left in the “Muse in May” series. She likes it here….

Like a straight jacket

Once upon a time, the muse, Meryl and I had an interesting dialogue about feeling trapped and uninspired.

Transformation of a binding mental picture happened naturally through our exploration. This is why I enjoy coaching with metaphors; I love watching how ‘the story’ transforms.

This is an example of Symbolic Modeling; one of three coaching methods I use. Note that coaching isn’t necessarily about solving a problem; it is about letting the information emerge.

That process alone opens doors to new perspectives… new perspectives where the ‘problem’ may not even exist. When we get too hung up on solving problems we create expectations of how things ‘should’ be.

This is based on an actual practice session I did with myself, just for the fun of it. Though I added descriptive filler, the questions and answers are in original sequence.

“What would you like to have happen, Meryl?” I asked. Sunlight was filtered behind the bedroom curtains that were stirring gently in the morning breezes.

Meryl sighed. “I’m not inspired and feel like I’m wasting time lying around this morning. I feel frustrated because I can’t seem to break this pattern.”

“And that pattern is like what?” I was perched on the edge of the bed, my feet dangling. I felt eight years old again. Asking questions.

“The pattern is like a straight jacket.” Meryl sat up and stared at me, quite purposefully with arms folded tightly across her chest. The blankets tugged under me and I shifted position to let them loose.

I folded my arms across my chest and stared back at Meryl. “Oh. And the pattern is like a straight jacket.” I repeated. “And when the pattern is like a straight jacket, what kind of straight jacket is that straight jacket?”

Uncovering the truth

Meryl closed her eyes. Tightly. Arms were still folded across her chest. I waited. “That straight jacket is wrapped around me. Tight. I feel helpless and trapped.”

Her eyes opened and there were tears there. “I feel like I’m being held against my will; that I have no choice.”

“When you feel like you are being held against your will and that you have no choice, then what happens?” I asked.

“I stop trying.”

“You stop trying. Where could the trying come from?”

“The trying comes from my heart.” Meryl was relaxing. My feet were still dangling.

I wondered, “When you’re trying from your heart, then what happens?”

“I feel like I have a purpose. I feel powerful. Playful. There is action and moving forward.” Meryl’s arms were still folded across her chest, but rather loosely as she became more wrapped up in her thoughts.

Beyond the comfort zone

“How are you moving forward?”

The arms came away from her chest. “I feel my feet strong on the earth. I’m standing tall and my arms are swinging by my side.”

My feet stopped dangling. “When your feet are strong on the earth, you’re standing tall and your arms are swinging, how do you feel?”

“Free. Grounded.” Meryl was sitting up straighter than moments before.

I reminded her of the straight jacket. “What is the relationship between feeling trapped in the straight jacket before and feeling free and grounded now?”

There was an element of excitement in Meryl’s answer. “When I’m trapped in a straight jacket… I’m not really trapped!”

She paused and then continued as her realization carried on. “When I’m feeling trapped in a straight jacket it’s more that I’m protecting myself, I think.”

“And what are you protecting yourself from?”

There was a long pause. “No… I’m not protecting myself from anything either. The straight jacket makes me feel that I’m taken care of. That I’m safe.”

“When you feel safe, that’s safe like what?”

“Safe like I’m wrapped in a blanket.” Meryl stared at the blankets that were wrapped around her where she sat in bed.

Sometimes things aren’t always what they seem to be. We both smiled.

I stood and drew the curtains to let the sunshine stream in. Our day had begun.

Don’t believe every story you tell yourself.
If you don’t like the story you are telling yourself, rewrite it.

Photo Credit: Tamelyn

“I don’t want to be coached”

The other day a friend sent me a short email to ask how things were going. I told them I was feeling frustrated by not being able to get to the “juicy” things I had planned for that day. There had been too many distractions. Sometimes that’s just life.

It had been a day that in my mind, I was going to take off. But that clearly was not meant to be. So, I took care of what I had to do but admittedly, with a less than appreciative attitude.

My good-natured friend responded by asking “What WOULD you like to have happen today?” and “What does JUICY look like?”

Some of you might recognize these questions as being life coach typical. Well, I was surprised by my instant distaste at the idea of jumping into the “coaching pond.” I didn’t want to be coached. Me… a life coach!

So, I wrote back:

“Honestly, I’m not open to coaching today but I can meet you for a cup of tea just to connect. I actually feel resentment about the idea of being coached for some reason. Not that I don’t appreciate your genuine interest to offer some guidance. I am well, just ‘journeying’ and want to keep the oven door closed for the time being.”

My friend and I had a wonderful visit and enjoyed spontaneous, free-flowing conversation; just two humans connecting with no agenda other than to connect.

Keeping it real

I was being honest about how I was feeling and damn it felt good. I was not passing judgment on my friend and we both understood where each other was coming from. I didn’t feel the pressure of having to keep my “stuff” tightly capped.

This helped release the judgment I was making on myself about how “This is NEGATIVE and MUST change”. That alone was enough to shift the mood from black to a light shade of grey.

Honesty really is the best policy because we both learned from this. My friend later shared with me how they have a tendency to “rescue” people. I have that tendency too and this was my chance to experience it from another perspective.

Life gets uncomfortable when we suddenly recognize behaviours that aren’t working and ways of thinking that don’t serve us anymore. We know more about what we don’t want. The ego wants to hold on for dear life, but we choose to let go, piece by piece.

“Do not judge yourself when you are dying to ways that no longer fit.”
Devrah Laval

I didn’t want to be the object of conversation. I realized that all I wanted was the permission to be with how I was feeling. I didn’t want to try to fix anything. There was no problem to be solved and no goal to be set. “Why coach the grass to grow?” I wondered.

Coaching is there when I choose to be coached; when I actually want to water the lawn or shape the hedges. The point is, a person can make the choice to do what they want to do with where they are at. Sometimes a person just has to drive through a dark tunnel to get to greener pastures. It’s not good or bad. It’s just living life.

What do you know more about: what you want, or what you don’t want?

What DOES juicy look like to you? :-)

Photo Credit: ff137

More than just a smile

Smiles are sexy, comforting, appreciative, welcoming, fulfilling, bold, compassionate and energizing. Feel this with just one smile and without so much as one word.

There is more to a smile than meets the eye. More than 50% of communication is non-verbal and a smile is one of the most powerful tools of communication there is.

If someone is smiling while on the phone, you can hear it in their voice. Sometimes you can feel the energy of a smile without hearing or seeing anything. There is an energetic shift in the atmosphere when someone smiles. One smile can affect everyone in the room.

That’s the spirit

Smiling is a universal language that is understood by humans and animals. When I smile at a dog for instance, their tail wags faster.

Many emotions are conveyed with a smile and yet we instinctively know how to read one particular smile. We just know.

There is magic in sharing a smile with a stranger, a loved-one or a friend. A smile to the Self is delicious. Our soul speaks through our smile.

Recall those times when your eyes have met a stranger’s eyes and you’ve both smiled simultaneously. An unconditional smile is an expression of spirit. A wave without the wave.

Smiling releases endorphins, lowers your blood pressure and relieves stress. People who smile appear confident and successful, and they are more likely to be promoted. Friends and colleagues want to be around you and listen to what you have to say. They feel you will listen to them too.

Just notice when you smile

I was out walking and while passing by a house the front door opened. I watched a cat stroll onto the porch. As soon as it passed through the open door, its tail went up and it arched its back happily. I smiled to myself and felt waves of contentment. Was that what the cat was feeling?

Later, I was sitting on my balcony and noticed a man walking by. He was carrying two cups of takeout coffee, obviously bringing one to a friend. I imagined him handing this cup of coffee to his friend. I smiled to myself happily, as if a friend was handing me a cup of coffee.

Make a conscious effort to notice when you smile. You’ll encourage a stronger awareness of the feelings it evokes. They will become readily available to you; more accessible on those days when you might need some comfort.

Practice this, and you’ll start looking for more reasons to smile. You’ll start finding more reasons to smile and this appreciation will become a natural state of being.

Often the hardest part is being the first one to smile. So, start the wave. Celebrate the power of your smile. Have you smiled yet today?

What makes you smile?

Who do you know that has the nicest smile and what makes their smile so special?

Photo credit: PaiO

Positively Present

Today, I’m happy to share a special guest blogger with you. This guest blogger is Positively Present and I mean that literally.

Many of you have been reading Dani’s blog for a while now, and I’m sure you will agree that her posts have a huge impact. She has a definite strength in getting an important message across. Powerful messages are sometimes hard to communicate. Dani does it with flair and uses one of my favourite processes — metaphors.

On one of her recent posts Find a Balance Between Having Hope and Living Now, Dani wrote:

“…we can steer our own ships. Knowing I can choose my path, making the decision to grab the wheel and steer, is in a way, hope personified. I am, in fact, taking my hope and steering it where I want it to go.”

Dani’s writing is magnetic and encourages thoughts to meander off in new directions. She opens doors and refurnishes those neural pathways. This girl has a gift. Her posts are packed with a healthy punch of positive presence! Enjoy.

The Shades of Happiness

Happiness is clearly a topic I like to think about a lot. I write about it nearly every day in some form on my blog. I contemplate it constantly in my daily activities, always looking for new sources of inspiration for myself and my readers. As the author of a blog focusing on positivity and living a happier life, I’ve done quite a bit of reading on happiness and I’ve discovered something very interesting amid all that I’ve observed.

There are many shades of happiness.

Happiness is not black or white. It’s not “I’m happy” or “I’m unhappy.” Happiness, in my opinion, is one of those things that can fall anywhere from the deepest happiness and inner peace to the slight increase of happiness when one looks at a pleasant image. There are so many kinds of happiness that it’s almost overwhelming to think about.

I’ve recently found myself very interested in Positive Psychology. In looking into the subject, I came across three distinct types of happiness, each representing different types of life. Personally I believe that individuals can embody all three of these types of happiness or they can possess different shades of each, blending together into a colorful life of peace and well-being. I’m going to outline these three types of happiness here and explore them a bit by adding my own insights.

Three Shades of Happiness

1. Pleasant Life: A pleasant life consists of having as much pleasure as you can, as many of the positive emotions, and learning some of the dozen or so techniques that actually work for increasing the duration and intensity of your pleasures. There are shortcuts to the pleasures. You can go shopping; you can watch television; you can take drugs. These things do not lead to true happiness.

While I do agree that instant gratification and seeking pleasure from outside sources will not bring about lasting happiness, I do think that some degree of pleasure in life is a good thing. As with everything, the pleasant life should be lived in moderation, making sure that pleasures are not substitutes for real, true joy. It is important to balance a pleasant life with the other shades of happiness. When it comes to living a pleasant life, remember to moderate yourself and not allow physical pleasures to dominate your world.

2. Engaged Life: An engaged life is being one with the music, being totally wrapped up in the people you love or what you’re hearing. There are no shortcuts to the engaged life. The engaged life can only be had by first knowing what your highest strengths are, your signature strengths, and re-crafting your life to use them at work, in love, in leisure, in parenting and in friendship.

Clearly, it is very important to live an engaged life. Not only will those around you benefit from your engaged living style, but you will receive many benefits as well. When you are completely wrapped up in what’s going on around you, when you are living in the moment, you are truly living a full life. Personally, when I feel down, the first thing I want to do is disengage myself from my life and from those who love and support me. But this is the wrong action to take. No matter what, stay engaged in your life. You will ultimately find more happiness this way.

3. Meaningful Life: A meaningful life consists of again knowing what your highest strengths and talents are and using them in the service of something that you believe is bigger than you are.

Living a meaningful life is so, so important. When you are living without purpose, it is difficult to know true happiness. You feel as if you’re floating, unsure of where you’re supposed to be or what direction you are going in. This is not a good feeling and it often causes a great deal of unhappiness. Taking your strengths and using them to benefit other people is one of the greatest things you can do – and this is something we can all do. Everyone has unique strengths. Think about what yours are and how you can use them to make the lives of others better. In the process, you’ll make your life better too!

As I’m sure you know there are many, many layers to happiness. These are only three types of happiness out of the many types I believe you can experience. I hope you can see how these three shades of happiness can blend together to create a happier existence. Each of us has the power to choose what shades of happiness we want to use to create the color of who we are. At times this can seem overwhelming, but it is truly wonderful that happiness comes in so many amazing, inspiring shades.

Information for this post came from an article written by Dr. Martin Seligman “The Three Types of Happiness.” You can find more information about authentic happiness and positive psychology by visiting www.authentichappiness.org.

Dani and I want to know what shades of happiness you see in your own life?

Photo Credit: Sabrina Campagna

Breathe Easy — Soul

“I am a universe observing all other universes.”

Hi everyone! This is the seventh post in a series of eight, and the fourth and last affirmation. If you’re just joining in, please refer to the introduction to read about the benefits of the Breathe Easy Deck.

And if you’ve been following this series from the beginning, you know what to do! :-)

Write down the following affirmation so you can practice it during the week. Take a few minutes to find a comfortable resting position and begin breathing comfortably.

When you are ready, continue with your relaxed breathing and focus on the following affirmation. Practice this for up to 10 minutes, or longer.

This Week’s Affirmation

“I breathe in the realization that I am not my name, nor what I do for a living. I am filled with the knowledge that I am a soul traveling onward. I breathe out the illusion of being separate from All-There-Is.”

Practice this exercise every morning this week, or when it is convenient. Thursday’s post will give you the opportunity to work with this affirmation from a different perspective.

This series is based on the Breathe Easy Deck from the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber. The content has been used with permission.

Comments are closed to give you extra time to practice, but they will be open on Thursday’s post. I look forward to hearing your comments about the affirmation and how it worked for you during the week.

No more “waiting to exhale”! :~)

Photo Credit: Kwerfeldein

Treat me nice

People are not loving and loyal to us all the time. We don’t act loving and loyal towards others all the time. It’s a simple fact of life. And, our egos are praying “please like me”, whether we are aware of it or not.

We subconsciously believe that we deserve to be treated well by everyone, all the time.

Some people will dislike us, lie, be hypocritical and break promises. We may feel betrayed, cheated and unworthy. We may even seek revenge.

With awareness and practice, we can come to accept this simple fact of life… that no one person was ever loved or treated respectfully by everyone.

The cycle can be broken — we will feel less unworthy and seek less revenge.  When we can accept this fact of life, we will be less likely to allow the actions of others to determine our self-worth.

4 signs the ego has surfaced

When we feel hurt by another person it could be that our ego has reared its “entitled and demanding head”.

If you hear yourself thinking the following, you are hearing your ego loud and clear.

1. I need to be able to control how other people react to me.
2. I am afraid that if everyone doesn’t accept and love me, I will not survive.
3. I am attached to my idea of who I am as a person.
4. I am entitled to being treated lovingly by everyone.

How can we be true to ourselves and co-exist with our egos, plus all the liars, cheats and hypocrites in this world? Accept the reality of what we “see” as our inadequacies and those of other people.

Find it in yourself

David Richo says,

“As we kindly accept the reality of others’ inadequacy, our own needs begin to change. We no longer need what cannot be had. …we reduce our unrealistic expectations…”

In his book The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, he says…

“Find it in yourself means finding it in the part of you that is committed to engaging in spiritual practices, not in the needy part of you that comes to the fore during a crisis or in desperation. You can learn to trust that there is a sane, wise, and nurturant resource within you. In fact, the more you know what you really want, the less desperately you need it. This happens because your self-esteem, confidence, and clarity grow.”

He gives a few suggestions about how to do this. I have listed (in part and condensed from my perspective), three of the eight tips from his book.

1. Say Yes to ourselves. Notice where your deepest values and wishes are, and follow them with an engaged focus. This practice of trying new things will encourage you to accept yourself as you are, while appreciating and valuing yourself completely.

2. See others as fellow pilgrims. Other people cannot complete you. They are not meant to give you comfort or answers — the shrine is in your own heart.

3. Make contact with nature in different ways every day. Nature is the mother of a sense of belonging, and that is a sense of self.

What else can you do to nurture that wise resource within yourself?

Practice this affirmation from the Breathe Easy Deck and the Enchanted World of Amy Zerner and Monte Farber.

“I breathe in tolerance for the weaknesses I see in others and in myself. I am filled with the realization that life is fragile. I breathe out all of my expectations.”

*The above material has been adapted and expanded on from David Richo’s The Five Things We Cannot Change… and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

On Sunday Affirmation 4 will be published here. The topic for the last affirmation in this series is Soul.

How committed are you to being self-nurturant? What works for you?

How many ways can you think of to say Yes to yourself today?

Photo Credit: Paha. Purchased from Dreamstime.com and used with permission. Illegal download and usage not allowed.